A Letter to Little Marcus from Papa

This letter was lovingly written by Papa Jhon the day after we lost our baby Marcus.

"We have to say something at the service," I said. "Marcus is too special, we have to share him to everybody."

"Of course! I'll try to write something okay? I'll do my best to put it into words... it's just too hard right now."

With tremendous grief still very fresh in our hearts, he typed each word with a bittersweet memory, while in the hospital nursing me to recovery.

We wanted both to share our story with Marcus to everybody. A message for everybody get to know our little angel a bit more; the beauty that he scattered around us during our seven months together.

Ultimately, I still could not muster the strength to render my feelings into words. So Jhon, ever our protector and head of our little family, pulled through for the both of us. The pride we have for our Marcus is too strong not to be announced to the world... even for just a few minutes, with a few hundred words.

A letter of a father to his infant child:

Our Dearest Marcus Baby, 

Growing up there has never been any doubt that I am happiest when I am around children and most especially babies. I can never seem to get enough of them. I guess I’m either just a big kid or there is something about children that is so magical and the love that they give is so pure. 

I have been so fortunate to be surrounded by my wonderful niece in the States as well as the 10 Torres kids all whom I love so dearly. Often I daydream how it would be like for Jet and I to have our own. 

Seven months ago, the greatest gift from God came to us, you, our Marcus. The first time we found out we were pregnant with you, I immediately felt like I was on top of the world! There was a mixed feeling of nervousness and excitement, but mostly pure joy. 

As Jet and I shared the good news to family and friends, all we could think about is how loved you will be. Everyone was so excited to hear the good news. Neither of your Titos and Titas could wait to see you. Our friends we’re so excited for your Mama and I. I remember telling you, “Marcus, you have a lot of crazy godfathers, but they are great. Once they take you out to the “go-go bars” you make sure I’m coming along." Your Titos and Titas would’ve spoilt you rotten. 

Seven magical months, you were with us. It was pure joy and happiness. We were planning our lives around you. We wanted everything perfect for you. We immediately knew you were going to be special. You were very active and responded every time we would talk or touch you on your Mama’s tummy. 

At the doctor’s, you were fast becoming popular with the nurses, residents, and interns. You were playful and often would show yourself briefly before running away as they poked you with the ultrasound. When we found out you were a boy, the doctor immediately said, “Oh he’s definitely a boy, look at his scrotum, he has a big one!” I immediately said, “Thank you, may namana sakin.” 

On February 5, 2010, 8:57am, you arrived. Tita Belle and Grandma were there to calm me down. Tita Belle brought me a huge cup of coffee, yet I couldn’t contain my nerves, for all I wished was for your Mama and you to be 100%. 

At the O.R., your Mama was able to see and hear you cry. After a few hours, I saw you, Marcus, you were so beautiful. I spoke to you and you responded with a kick. I put my ear near your incubator and heard your wonderful angelic voice. I saw you a few more times after, the doctor even had to kick me out. 

After a few more hours your Mama was wheeled to our room. There we waited anxiously for you. We were so nervous because we didn’t have your things ready. Tita Belle, went out to buy you a gift and was so excited to get your clothes and the things you needed for your arrival. At night, Tita Mache, Ate Mica, Ate Bea, Ate Cielo, and Ate Daniela with Tita Rhoda came to visit. Ate Cielo bought you a stuffed giraffe. We were all so happy and very excited to see you. 

Then the terrible news came. The doctor called me into the nursery as she told me you were having complications. You fought bravely to breathe, my love. Never had I imagined that after twelve hours you would be taken from us. Our world came crumbling down. We held you in our arms, kissed you, held your perfect hand, your perfect feet, and your perfect head as you faded. The pain is indescribable; I don’t think we will ever heal from losing you. 

All through out my life, I was just an average person but there was one thing I knew I would be great at and that was to be your father. I imagined myself protecting you, guiding you, playing with you, and most of loving you with all my heart. You are very special and it pains me that we won’t be given the chance to share you to the world. I’m sorry my Baby, I’m sorry I won’t be able to be the father I always wanted to be for you. 

How do we move on without you my son? When will we see you again? We miss you terribly! We don’t want to let you go, but we have to, for you to be able to be at peace in Heaven. We know your light will always shine upon us. Your memory will live with us forever. You can rest now, no more pain my love. 

Thank you for seven wonderful months, thank you for coming to us, thank you for fighting and holding on as long as you could to share a few precious moments with your Mama and I. THANK YOU!!! 

I promise to take good care of your Mama. Till we meet again my son! I love you! Rest In Peace, you are in God’s care! 

Papa