"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief... and unspeakable love.” - Washington Irving

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Day 4 (continued)

Day 4, it seems more and more difficult to cope with our son Marcus' passing. I feel exactly as I did yesterday when it felt like I was struggling to do anything. Yet, my thoughts about Marcus, gives me strength and carries me through the day, and what I need to do for Jet and I. Not so much for me, but more for my Jet, she needs me to be strong for the both of us.

I've been wanting to write my thoughts for quite some time now, may it be on the computer or on paper. I haven't gotten to it till today. Why, it's because I don't want to do anything but to daydream about our little angel. I often ask myself, "Why should I keep my thoughts and feelings cooped up inside when I can share them with Jet?" I fear I may forget how I was feeling or forget what my thoughts were as each day passes. Therefore, today is when I begin to be more open about my thoughts and feelings.

My tears have subsided but the pain is still there. Often I have visions of "what may have been." It makes me smile and at the same time makes me terribly sad with the thought of how our little family could've been sharing great times together.

A few days ago, I saw a comment on Facebook from people I don't know. They were talking about kids. One person posted a comment saying something like, "As long as you're not on diaper duty dude." I immediately wanted to say, "I'd give anything to be given the chance to go on diaper duty for our little Marcus." It saddens me that some people take little moments with their child for granted. There are parents out there who would give their life for such precious moments, even as simple as changing a baby's diaper.

The passing of our son gave me so many realizations in my life. I realized and truly understand that God is now in control of my life. I offer my pain and suffering to Him because I believe that He is a kind God and He knows what's best for me. I realized even more that my love for Jet knows no boundaries. I realized that no matter how difficult I have been as a partner, a friend, a brother, and a son - Jet, my family and friends are always there for me no matter what. I will no longer take any of them for granted. I also realized that I have such a loving and caring second family in the Torres'. They continue to be there and love me unconditionally just like my own family. I truly am blessed.

Our Little Angel Marcus is truly heaven sent. His love is so great that he makes me a better person everyday. He makes me remember who I have around me and not to take them for granted. With his memory in my heart and mind always, I am a better person.

I love you my son! I miss you!...


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