A Mark of Power and Strength

Reading through a blog entry of Rebecca, a recent babyloss mother, I am refreshed by a quote she shared that was also contributed to her by a fellow blogger. To me, it spoke exactly of how Jhon and I feel about our sorrow.

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief... and unspeakable love.” - Washington Irving

Need I say more?

Not As Easy

I finally updated my baby's Photo Memories page. Ever since I discovered the world of digital scrapbooking, I have been meaning to use these interesting elements to improve the overall look of Marcus' photos. Voila.

I realized that while I believe my days have been much better lately, seeing my Marcus' pictures for hours while working on the project made me yearn for him all over again. This feeling of being transported back in time... to the night I lost my sweet son. Staring at his beautiful and angelic face makes me want to hug him tight and keep him in my arms. I long for him. After 5 months without my son I realized that I still feel the physical pain of having "empty arms." While my heart aches for my baby, my arms ache to cradle him. 

I am learning how to live with the pain. The physical pain of my broken heart and the pain of my empty, aching arms. I will just have to keep teaching myself to live with it.

Though I do embrace feeling the pain, I would rather that than feel numb inside. I long for my son, and I do not see any wrong in that.

The Power of Prayer

I feel I am in a good place now. These past weeks have done wonders for Jhon and I. There is a sense of wellness that surrounds us. I know we have our son to thank for our gradual recovery. We have a little angel. He rolls alongside God.

Last Thursday we took a short pilgrimage to the shrine of Our Lady of Manaoag. Together with Mama Myrna and Ate Belle, Jhon, Lola, and I braved 12 hours of non-stop road trip (from Manila to Manaoag and back) to pray to our miraculous Mother. With only 2 hours of sleep from watching a World Cup all-nighter, we soldiered on to offer a humble sacrifice and prayed. I believe Jhon and I prayed for the same intentions -- we prayed for our baby Marcus, for healing, for strength, for family, for assistance, for guidance, for enlightenment, for peace. Jhon said he felt a tremendous sense of relief after praying. The power of sacrifice. The power of prayer.

-------------

Wednesday, I received an email from Fr. Santhosh. He was sending us his greetings from the U.S. with the hope and prayer that we are doing fine. It was indeed encouraging to hear from him. It feels like our prayers connect us to one another, for that same day I was thinking of sending him an email as well. Positive signs point us to the path we are hoping to lead. It seems Jhon and I see signs everywhere, it is crystal clear. The power of prayer.

-------------

Claire, my high school classmate offered her personal prayer for us when I thanked her for her kind gesture this whole time. I thought of sharing her words in the hope that others benefit from it too. In times of deep grief, when you feel you are alone -- your faith, a prayer and Mama Mary's love will help see you through.

She showed me a comforting photo of Mama Mary and offered her warm words, "... it show's Mama Mary's nature of loving each & every child, no matter the color or background. It's a very reassuring visual, don't you think?

Here's my prayer for you: that you & Jhon always feel Mama Mary's loving embrace. That warm, trusting feeling of her putting you under her mantle of maternal protection. That everything will be okay even when you are really down. That you will find comfort and healing."

I can't help but feel the power of prayer around us. It has helped me and Jhon get through our trying moments and it continues to strengthen us each day. The power of prayer.

Dear Papa and Mama

You held my tiny hand for a while

but will hold my heart forever.

Your Baby Marcus

Be Happy, Be Free

"Be who you are and say what you feel, 

because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

- Dr. Seuss

Mama's Love

Sunday was a very quiet time for Jet and I. We spent the day just lounging and enjoying each others company in the comfort of our home. We popped in a couple of movies which included "Hot Tub Time Machine" and "The Back-Up Plan."

We didn't expect much from "Hot Tub Time Machine," though we were pleasantly surprised. There were a few scenes that gave us a good workout, I was literally crying. I haven't laughed like that for quite sometime now. We moved on to the next movie, again not expecting much. We do this often now so as not to get disappointed with high expectations from previews and all. Neither of us had a clue as to what the plot of the movie was till we began watching it. From the get-go, we knew Jennifer Lopez wanted to be a mother.

Throughout the movie, no part truly touched me more than seeing Jennifer's character had an ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat of her twins. I could still hear my son's heartbeat fast and strong. Also, towards the end when her boyfriend was reading a book to the two infant girls -- it made Jet and I cry...

I know how much sadness fills my heart during moments like these, especially when I least expect it. I want so much to be a Papa to Marcus. But what makes my grief more intense than that of my own is when I see Mama Jet grieving our loss. Jet wants to be Mama so much, more than most people could ever know. I could never imagine how it truly feels to be Mama. I don't know how it feels to carry our son in her womb for 7 months, I don't know how it feels to experience "empty arms," and I don't know how it feels to have that special bond between mother and child. All I know is how much Jet wants to be Mama to Marcus.

I believe I can say nobody knows how great of a mama Jet is but me. One can feel how much Jet embraced being mama, if you witnessed it. Even before we lost Marcus, we would have countless conversations about our plans and her plans for our son. Everyday she woke up brought about joy that only parents would experience when expecting their first child. How she looked even more beautiful while carrying our son and how her love exuded in every possible way. Now, Mama Jet has a new reason for being. Soon others will see a glimpse of how great of a mama Jet is. Not for personal glory but for love, an advocacy driven by the love for our Marcus. I know she's the best Mama, and she still is and always will be. Go for it MAMA JET, we are here behind you all the way!!