It's been days since my last entry in our journal. I try to get myself up and write down my thoughts and feelings, but cannot seem to. Instead I try to go about our day making sure everything is in order and making sure Jet and Lola have everything they need.
Have I been afraid of my feelings which I'm keeping inside? Perhaps! Today is tougher than ever. After having gone to the place where our son was taken from us inflicted more pain in my wounded heart. All I can think and feel today is that I should be watching Marcus, I should be feeding him, changing him, or playing with him. To hear him laugh or cry or just to see him open his eyes. I can only dream and imagine. It's killing me.
It pains me to see my Jet cry and hurt. I wish I could say everything will be alright but I'll just be fooling myself. Things won't be alright, today, tom, the following day, and the day after. This is how I feel and see things right now. I won't be able to see my son grow. We won't be able to spend time as father and son. Everything that I do always has a thought of Marcus attached to it. As simple as washing the dishes, I think about washing his bottles. When I tidy up, all I see is that I'm tidying his things as well.
I'm afraid. I feel as if there will be a sudden outpour of emotions yet to come out from the shell that I have created in my heart. Yet, through this great emotional struggle I still find some light from God. I am reminded that He is in control of our life. With such reassurance I am barely getting by...
I pray that we will be okay. God, I put my trust in You. Show us the way, tell me what it is that You want from me and I will whole heartedly follow.
Marcus my sweet baby boy. I miss you so much! I love you with all my heart!!!
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