As I was cleaning my laptop, removing and filtering files from weeks and months back, I stumbled upon sites that I bookmarked... while I was pregnant with Marcus. Just seeing a glimpse of the addresses I shiver, from a mixture of dread and fear. I was scared to be reminded. That only a month ago I was searching for baby photographers, baby room wall stickers, furniture makers for our Marcus' bedroom, even for a bigger place to accommodate our growing family. I hesitantly clicked on each saved website and watched... in pain.
Memories rushed back, relived. I stared helplessly. Tears started to fall. Seconds after, I decided not to delete. One by one I moved them into a folder for safe-keeping. A part of me does not want to forget. Why would I erase part of a wonderful memory? A time when I was carefully planning for our baby's arrival, our future. It was bliss. It was Marcus.
I scrolled down. I felt disturbed by the sudden shift of topics I searched for. When I glance at websites I have saved the past weeks, I see articles, support groups, prayers, Bible verses, poems... for grieving and healing. Just 43 days ago. The promise of a beautiful life with our baby Marcus was abruptly halted. The unexpected turn of events just 43 days ago.
This is what I do now. This is my life... 43 days after.
I miss you terribly my baby Marcus. Mama woke up this morning hoping that you were in her arms. I would give anything just to cradle you one more time, my love. Though I am fine, do not worry about me. Everyday I teach myself to live a life without you. Yet I attest to live my life for you. Mama loves you.
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