When I look out the window it is evident that the world below is going about it's day, doing it's normal routine. Might be selfish, but it's hard to stomach the fact that the world outside is not grieving alongside with me... each and every day.
And today is much harder to accept than usual. Today is our baby Marcus' supposed 1st month birthday. He would have already lived for 30 miraculous days. Looking back, I remember cousin Rhoda suggesting to me that day I delivered Marcus - before the toughest night of Jhon and I's lives - to do a monthly celebration for our little one as a thanksgiving. The supposed celebration has now transformed into deep sorrow.
Last night I was searching for books that might help me and Jhon get through our grieving process much easier. When I was going through various book synopses, it was comforting to know that we are not alone. Many parents are also silently grieving like we are. We grieve in silence because the outside world seem to have a hard time empathizing with bereaved parents like us. Though meaning well, most people see our story as "not much of a loss" as compared to a passed adult loved one. There just aren't enough memories to mourn about, they think. They find it difficult to sympathize for they have never met or seen our little one. "It could've been worse," they say. "Imagine if you lost him after a few months."
Though my Kuya Ken said before, "A loss is a loss... It doesn't make the situation less important or less painful just because Marcus only lived with us for a few hours." Kuya Ken and the rest of our immediate family members tell a different story. We are lucky to have such a supportive family. They feel for us because Marcus is their blood too.
But sometimes I think that I might be getting mad. Am I overreacting? Melodramatic? Masochistic? Am I supposed to move on much easier? Am I not allowed to grieve so deeply for our darling baby Marcus just because?
Knowing that parents just like us, who lost an infant child, go through the same arduous ordeal is a bit reassuring. What Jhon and I are going through right now is perfectly normal. We are not going crazy. No one can dictate us and say "just get over it and move on." For I believe in my heart that we will never truly heal. In time the wound will just seem less raw but it will never disappear.
I look forward to receiving the books I ordered. I anticipate reading about how other parents memorialize their little angels. How they cope with celebrating significant yet heart-wrenching dates such as birthdays and anniversaries, for we do not want our little Angel Marcus to be forgotten in time.
This blog that we started is more than just an online journal of our thoughts and journey through it all, but more importantly, this is a memorial for our darling Marcus. We want to share him to the world the best way we can. We want to proclaim our love for him and declare to the world the wonders he has done for me and Jhon, and those who have witnessed his beauty one way or another.
Our little Marcus has been an Angel in heaven for 30 days now, and counting. I believe that is something worth celebrating for.
This is how Jhon and I picture our little Angel Marcus in heaven. We love you our darling baby boy. We miss you more and more each day. God bless you and rest in peace.
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