The Power of Prayer

I feel I am in a good place now. These past weeks have done wonders for Jhon and I. There is a sense of wellness that surrounds us. I know we have our son to thank for our gradual recovery. We have a little angel. He rolls alongside God.

Last Thursday we took a short pilgrimage to the shrine of Our Lady of Manaoag. Together with Mama Myrna and Ate Belle, Jhon, Lola, and I braved 12 hours of non-stop road trip (from Manila to Manaoag and back) to pray to our miraculous Mother. With only 2 hours of sleep from watching a World Cup all-nighter, we soldiered on to offer a humble sacrifice and prayed. I believe Jhon and I prayed for the same intentions -- we prayed for our baby Marcus, for healing, for strength, for family, for assistance, for guidance, for enlightenment, for peace. Jhon said he felt a tremendous sense of relief after praying. The power of sacrifice. The power of prayer.

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Wednesday, I received an email from Fr. Santhosh. He was sending us his greetings from the U.S. with the hope and prayer that we are doing fine. It was indeed encouraging to hear from him. It feels like our prayers connect us to one another, for that same day I was thinking of sending him an email as well. Positive signs point us to the path we are hoping to lead. It seems Jhon and I see signs everywhere, it is crystal clear. The power of prayer.

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Claire, my high school classmate offered her personal prayer for us when I thanked her for her kind gesture this whole time. I thought of sharing her words in the hope that others benefit from it too. In times of deep grief, when you feel you are alone -- your faith, a prayer and Mama Mary's love will help see you through.

She showed me a comforting photo of Mama Mary and offered her warm words, "... it show's Mama Mary's nature of loving each & every child, no matter the color or background. It's a very reassuring visual, don't you think?

Here's my prayer for you: that you & Jhon always feel Mama Mary's loving embrace. That warm, trusting feeling of her putting you under her mantle of maternal protection. That everything will be okay even when you are really down. That you will find comfort and healing."

I can't help but feel the power of prayer around us. It has helped me and Jhon get through our trying moments and it continues to strengthen us each day. The power of prayer.

Beautiful Memory of a Beautiful Boy

While Jhon watches his World Cup game I cozy myself to write this special entry about this beautiful memory of our baby Marcus. It's been long overdue.

During the darkest moments of our grieving, Jhon and I aided ourselves with helpful reading and journaling. Though the most important aspect of our healing is prayer. We surrendered all our worries and heartaches to God and prayed, foremost for the eternal repose of the soul of our son. Until now we see to it that we pray for our little angel everyday. During the course of our grief we have proudly become prayerful.

When the 40th day of Marcus was reaching (March 17th), I thought of giving our families something notable to remember our son with. It was going to be his Send-Off To Heaven. I did not want him to be forgotten in time. I wanted something that they can keep with them and always remember our son by. I wanted them to also continue to pray for him, as well as to be reminded to pray. That was essentially the remembrance and the gift we wanted to give them of our Marcus... the gift of not just any jewelry, but the gift of prayer.

When Ate Belle gifted us with amethyst bracelets early on in our grieving we were reminded of the healing attributes of crystals. The amethysts truly helped lessen the heaviness of our heartbreak. We wanted to share that healing to family as well. We hoped for Marcus' remembrance to heal them not only through prayer but through the healing properties of precious minerals as well.

Prayer and healing crystals combined led me to the thought of a rosary bracelet. Something that we can all wear as often and will lovingly remind us of our darling Marcus. After much research, we came up with a design that will suit all ages and lifestyle of each family member. We decided to use the amethyst because it is Marcus' birth stone, it represents him perfectly, and its healing properties are appropriate to our needs. The rose quartz because of its particular trait of healing a broken heart.

AMETHYST

Power Stone

It is used as a dream stone and to help insomnia. Put an amethyst under your pillow to bring about pleasant dreams, or rub it across your forehead to offer relief from a headache.

Protection Stone

Ancient Egyptians used the amethyst guard against guilty and fearful feelings. It has been worn as protection from self-deception, as well as a protection against witchcraft. The amethyst has long been used to open the spiritual and psychic centers, making it one of the power stones. It is also used as a meditation aid when worn as a necklace.

Wisdom Stone

The amethyst is known as the Bishop's Stone and is still worn by Catholic Bishops. The amethyst symbolizes piety, humility, sincerity and spiritual wisdom. It is thought the amethyst is the perfect stone to symbolize The Age of Aquarius.

Healing Properties of Amethyst

Amethyst is a gemstone often worn by healers, as it has the power to focus energy. A healer will usually wear several pieces of jewelry with amethysts set in silver, especially an amethyst necklace. The person to be healed will have an Amethyst to hold while the healing is being done. The healer will place another piece of Amethyst on the area of the body in need of healing, the heart or lungs usually.

Amethyst is used for problems in the blood and in breathing problems. Amethyst crystal clusters are used to keep the air and life force in the home clean and positive.

Amethyst clusters, points or several tumbled Amethysts placed in a window that receives sun most of the day are very beneficial to use in healing and to heal negativity in the home. Place Amethyst clusters, points or several tumbled Amethysts in moonlight and everyone in the home will be feeling calmer. Using an Amethyst as a meditation focus will increase the positive spiritual feelings. Amethyst helps overcome fears and cravings. It also helps relieve headaches.

ROSE QUARTZ

Your marriage can have more sparkle and fire when you keep a rose quartz under your pillow. You will look younger too.

Rose quartz is known as the love stone. It helps the user feel a strong sense of self-worth, therefore being worth love. Rose quartz is the stone of universal love. It is also the stone of love in marriage. When worn in jewelry the wearer feels a sense of self-worth.

Healing Properties of Rose Quartz

Rose Quartz has a gentle vibration of love for the owner. It gives inner peace and helps in all matters pertaining to love in all its forms. Rose Quartz opens the heart to love. It also helps as a rejuvenator to the skin. It is a lovely stone for a young person.

It is said washing the face in water charged by rose quartz will help fade wrinkles and keep the skin young.

Jhon mentioned to me early on that Ferdi wears a necklace with Marcus' name on it. That definitely touched me and I wanted each family member to carry his name with them as well. We thought to include it with the rosary to make it even more special. Nothing is more fitting than a heart charm engraved with his beautiful name. A detail that will truly make the rosary his own and close to each member's heart.

It was very important to us that this project be flawless and overall perfect. This was to be a memory of our dear Marcus. We knew it was not a jeweler we needed but a skilled and meticulous beader. The timing of Jhon finding Ysa online was perfect, almost serendipitous.

I feel it is suiting to not only to reiterate our journey with Ysa but to offer her with a testimonial as well because if not for her dedication, Jhon and I would not have accomplished this project with 100% satisfaction.

Ysa Yason (The Charmed Life) specializes not only in making bead accessories but most importantly she is a crystal enthusiast and believer who has an expert eye in such. She promotes the positive well-being that crystals represent. When she emailed me the amethyst and rose quartz she planned to use for the rosaries, Jhon and I knew she was the one we wanted to execute our baby's special remembrance.

From the get-go after Jhon mentioned to her how we planned to use the rosaries, she expressed her sincere interest and dedication to the project. Even weeks after their initial talk, she did not hesitate to take on the task.

"Although I have many projects as of the moment, it is my honor to be making this very special project in remembrance of baby Marcus, it will be one of my most special. ... I am very touched with your story and I pray for your peace."

Jhon and I encountered quite a number of challenges during the course of this project. We knew we were going to be as detailed as possible to ensure that each rosary will last forever, if not, at least withstand some physical stress especially since it will be used by our young and very active nieces and nephews. This nagging need for perfection and attention to detail led us to delay the distribution of the rosaries until they were perfect.

We personally chose and bought the more important components ourselves from the heart charm to the Cross and Mother Mary/Divine Mercy pendant. We also made sure that we used sterling silver chains to perfectly match the healing crystals. Ysa's valuable suggestions as to the more resilient designs to use for the chains were very helpful not to mention beautiful.

We appreciated that Ysa addressed every concern with the same meticulousness. She delivered with flying colors. Her attention to detail was evident in each rosary bracelet. From the samples to the finished product it was obvious she took her time working on each individual piece to make it perfect. She honestly exceeded our expectations.

Ysa assembled 29 rosary bracelets in less than 5 days. When we received the finished pieces we felt very excited and relieved at the same time. We were obviously looking forward to finally distributing one of our baby's most precious memories yet we were also very relieved that we were giving away something truly beautiful to look at.

Together with the package that arrived was a personal handwritten note from Ysa. Re-reading what she wrote now, I can't help but feel privileged, her words were warm and sincere and I was definitely moved on how this project truly meant to her. Without disrespecting the personal nature of her note, I would like to share her words for it is a true testament of how Marcus touches people's lives in many ways.

Dear Marjorie and Jhon,

This is such a special project and I feel so honored that you trusted me in making these bracelets.

This was a learning experience for me in many ways and I say from the bottom of my heart that your son is truly an angel, touching so many people's hearts.

You are blessed and I wish you the best.

Yours,

Ysa

I thanked Ysa via text message and relayed how very pleased we are of the rosaries. There was no doubt she took extra effort into making each rosary special. It was so diligently assembled that it looked almost machine-made. Her response message brought tears to my eyes.

"... Of course you know this already but I just want to let you know I feel that your son is always watching over you. All I could think about while doing every piece was 'make it nice for them, make it nice for them.' There were many times I had to redo a piece to make it better. I'm thinking now it was your little angel whispering to me to make it nice for his Mama and Papa. I was kind of embarrassed to tell you that 'cause we don't know each other but I just need to let you know that. That's why I included in the note that you're blessed because you have an angel watching over you. Take care."

Even before she expressed her thoughts on this project I already knew I was going to write about it. This project brought about a lot of emotions because it is too special to us. And I was jubilant that it produced such beautiful personalized pieces. Ysa made it happen. I was very thankful for the work that Ysa did that I told her of my planned blog entry. I wanted to keep it mum until the post but I was filled with gratitude that I could not help but tell her in advance. I hope she humors me as I share her response message yet again.

"Oh Marjorie, thank you so much. That made me teary eyed again. This project reminded me so much why I love what I do. Thank you and I truly wish you the best. Thank you for sharing your story through your blog. My heart aches for you, I can't say I understand 'cause I can't even imagine the grief. I pray for you and I know it is but little consolation but please know your son's short time touched so many people more than a person who lived a hundred years. I truly wish you the best."

I opted to share her messages because I feel hers is a sincere expression of how Marcus' magic lingers. I believe our son's life truly touched her and it definitely showed in her work. I shared her messages too to show how good of a person she is and how her honesty shows she has a big heart. I am also very thankful of her because she made it happen not only for Jhon and I but especially for Marcus ultimately.

In truth, we were quite concerned on how to make a handmade piece as flawless as possible. We knew there were a number of limitations when it comes to handmade accessories. We almost came to a point of having them 'finished' by a jeweler. But Ysa put our worries to rest. She saw to it that the components she used were of quality and the construction of each was carefully assembled. It is not surprising she regarded herself as an artist of her craft. This is more than just a business for her, it is her passion. And it showed.

Thank you Ysa. And thank you for acknowledging the life of our Marcus.

After having them blessed, Jhon and I gave away the rosary bracelets on Mama Myrna's birthday, June 14th. We felt it was appropriate that day because it was a day of thanksgiving. Thanksgiving for yet another blessed year for our Mama (many more years to come) as well as thanksgiving for our little angel Marcus. We wanted to give each rosary personally instead of just having them delivered. It was Marcus' gift to them.

As originally planned in our little angel's Send-Off To Heaven, we distributed each bracelet with our baby's personal prayer card and a note describing each respective healing crystal, all package in a little silver paper bag. After much effort that we put into executing this project, Jhon and I placed a personal note inside each box to express how truly special this rosary means to us with the hope of them treasuring it equally.

Ate Belle who witnessed the process we went through into transforming these rosaries noticed for a fact that they are truly beautiful. Every time I see her, I see her wearing Marcus' bracelet and wristband with pride.

Our Mama Myrna wears hers proudly as well. She does not wear any other accessory but the rosary.

Our sweet niece Daniela girl, wears her bracelet to school and makes sure she keeps the box ready in her bag for safe storage.

Our darling Cielo pie also brings her rosary bracelet safe in its box to school everyday and wears her wristband even to sleep.

Our sweet nephew Miguel, wears his wristband "all the time even when he takes a bath" as he proudly says it. He also brings his rosary to school everyday as they require them in Ateneo.

Our young lady niece Bea never takes off her wristband. When I see her, she wears her rosary proudly and with much care.

Our big boy nephew Jake wears his wristband to school everyday.

Regina messaged me after receiving her rosary and said she will never leave home without it. Marcus' prayer card is kept in her wallet for her to look at always. She lovingly mentioned that "nothing will ever come close to this gift." She messaged Jhon recently and said she has gotten numerous compliments from wearing the bracelet.

Jhon and I continue to pray everyday for our son and for our healing. Though now we pray using the very special rosaries we have in remembrance of our Marcus.

We wish for our families to experience the same healing and hope the rosary bracelet provides us and the meaning it ultimately represents... the loving memory of our dear little angel Marcus.

40 Days

March 17, 2010, marks the 4oth day since Marcus' passing. Though in our hearts we know he is in heaven already, we celebrate this day to formally send him up to be with God our Father and be with the rest of our loved ones, most especially his Grandpa Jaime.

We offered mass for our dear Marcus, just as my family here in the Philippines and my siblings in France and San Francisco did. Although we weren't all together during this day, our hearts and minds were ONE filled with the Love and thought of our precious little boy.

40 days... I find myself much more emotional and in deep grief whenever I think about our little boy. I feel his loss even more now compared to the past few weeks. I look at his pictures, listen to his music, and recite his prayers and my tears flow like waterfalls. I often have a hard time breathing because the combination of the pain and my asthma make it even more difficult.

After mass, we had everyone tie a small card to balloons with a prayer for Marcus and each wrote a personal note before releasing it. It read:

Oh, Little Angel

Oh, little boy, we looked forward to the day you would be born,

But alas, the Lord left us forlorn.

You didn't leave us without a fight.

You fought to stay on Earth with all your might.

You are now resting in the heavens above,

You left surrounded by your family's strong love.

Our arms are now empty, our hearts are so sad,

You will always be remembered by your mom and your dad.

So to God your tiny soul we release.

We know that your heart is at eternal peace.

It was written by Mary Tetzlaff. What a fitting tribute by a loving parent to her son. We couldn't help but borrow her words to send our darling Marcus to heaven.

When the day drew to a close, I asked Jet, "Where do we go from here?"

Jet calmly replied, "We move on."

I can sense she was trying to be strong for the both of us, because I'm at my weakest right now.

Marcus left us but he didn't leave us empty handed. Although he isn't with us physically, he filled our hearts. He left us and filled our hearts with our Love for him. He left us and filled our hearts with Love of family and friends. He left us and filled our hearts with Love for one another. A gift of love that will never be broken and that will strengthen as each day passes when we think of him, always reminding us.

I thank the Lord and Marcus, for filling my heart with love that is even greater than ever before. Love for my parents, my siblings, my sister's husbands, Alexis, the Torres family, Lola, our friends, and most especially Jet.

To my darling Marcus, I love you and your Mama more and more each day!

2 Loves, 2 Losses

30 days ago we lost our son, baby Marcus. 4 years ago we lost our father, Papa Jaime. Yesterday, March 6, the family gathered at Heritage Park to remember the greatness that was Papa Jaime.

The loss of our Papa is still very much felt within. Going on his 4th year, it was just starting to become easier getting by without him. But now I grieve for the loss of 2 loves.

When I lost Papa, I thought that was the hardest and most painful experience I ever had to go through in life. I thought wrong. Losing our darling Marcus is more heartbreaking than ever.

"When a parent dies we lose a piece of our past but when a child dies we lose a piece of our future." - Fathers Feel Too by Andrew Don

Fr. Santos, the priest at Marcus's memorial service was specially requested by our Mama to celebrate Holy Mass for Papa. We feel a certain connection with Fr. Santos. He was the one who anointed baby Marcus and the one who baptized him that fateful night. With him having witnessed our plight, we feel that he relates directly to how we feel and what we are going through.

He asked immediately after seeing us, "How are you?"

The last time we saw him was during Marcus' memorial service. There was comfort in seeing him again. We have been wanting to seek spiritual advice and guidance from him.

I told him that he might have mistaken us for another couple when Jhon called him for an invitation a few days ago.

"No, of course not, I always remember you. I can't forget the two of you," he assured. "I have been waiting for your call actually. I forgot to get your contact nos. before. I wanted to check up on how you two are doing. But I prayed for you everyday."

I mentioned how difficult it is for me to realize that I am now grieving the loss of 2 people I love dearly. He was out of words. All he can say was to always pray and remember the good times we shared with Papa, and that our baby Marcus is now our angel in heaven.

We plan to visit Fr. Santos soon and sit down with him. It would be refreshing to hear advice from the perspective of an apostle of God. He is a missionary priest who left his home, India, to serve the Filipinos, 15 years and running. For Jhon and I, he is untarnished. His spiritual wisdom will truly help ease our hearts from desolation.

We do our best to cope each day. One of the things that help us get by is the confidence that our little one, Marcus, is now resting in peace in heaven - and that Papa is there with him.

We Speak This Poem

Each day I search for different sites that will help us cope with questions in our hearts. I look for people... parents who also experienced the loss of a child. I seek Bible verses that will help us get through each trying day. Just now, I stumbled upon a site that focuses on bereavement. What a beautiful site. It had a tab especially for babies, which included preemie bereavement gowns just like the baptismal gown our little Marcus wore at his service. It also had a poem, a bereavement verse for loss of a child.

This poem touched me so deeply, I immediately had Jhon read it. Jhon and I share the same thoughts... it's like the author opened our hearts and wrote down our feelings for us. Verbatim, these are the words we want to convey about the loss of our son, Marcus.

God, Take This Child...

by Nancy Scott

Sweet child whom we never really got to know,

It's hard for us to let you go.

We waited and we wanted you.

We had so many dreams for you.

We think of smiles we'll never see.

We think of events that will never be.

There will be no first steps and no first teeth.

There is only a void and our own grief.

We planned to take you to places far and near.

We yearned to keep you safe and free from fear.

We hoped to show you much of the new world.

We wanted to teach you as your life unfurled.

It's hard to understand why you, our baby, died.

We feel so numb right now, many tears we've cried.

We have so many questions and no answers seem to come.

We tried so hard to save you; nothing could be done.

God, we stand before you broken-hearted

and ask you to heal these lives that must be parted

from this little one we can no longer hold,

who will always be part of us, even when we're old.

God, take this child in your loving arms.

No more can he suffer any harm.

Bless him always and bless us too.

Be with us and help us make it through.

We love you, our little Angel Marcus. We miss you so much.

Day 9 Mass Offering - Blessing of Baby Marcus' Sanctuary

We are relieved. This afternoon was our baby Marcus' 9th day of novena/mass offering... we celebrated Holy Mass at our place to make sure our little angel's sanctuary was properly blessed. Jhon and I are touched that our Mama, Kuya Ken and Joanne, Ate Mache, Ate Belle, Mica, Bea, Cielo, Daniela, and Miguel were able to join us. Tita Marissa and Suzette together Rose and her daughter came as well. They all got to see our 'dedication of love' for our little darling.

Fr. Gener, was one of the priests who celebrated mass and blessed our Marcus during his 8 days at the chapel. We particularly loved his homily and the sincerity of his personal prayer for our baby when he was blessed. He even kissed our baby's urn twice upon blessing him. He found our baby's story to be deeply emotional. Jhon and I knew right there that we wanted him to hold our little angel's 9th day Holy Mass and blessing. And we were fortunate enough Fr. obliged us with a few hours of his time for our dear baby Marcus.

During the mass, Fr. read his very special homily for little angel Marcus. What he wrote brought tears to my eyes yet comfort in my heart that God is there... and that our little angel is safe in His arms in heaven. Thank you Fr. Gener, we are truly grateful. Thank you for making our baby's 9th day extra special.

Homily on the occasion of Marcus Jaime's 9th day:

During the last week as each of us considered the untimely death of baby Marcus Jaime our hearts have been full of questions - chief amongst them being "how did this happen?" and "why did this happen?" These questions have not only been in the hearts and minds of Jhon and Marjorie and their families, but upon the lips of many of you who are here today.

We are not her today to answer these questions - even if we could. Rather we are here to mourn - to mourn and to commend Marcus Jaime into God's care, and to ask God to help us - and most especially help Jhon and Marjorie through their grief.

In the most beautiful of gardens, even those tended by the most skillful of botanists, there is an occasional rose that buds, but never opens. In all respects the rose is like all the others, but something keeps it from blooming. It fades away - or disappears - without having reached maturity.

What happens in nature's garden happens once in a while also in the garden of God's human family. A baby is born, beautiful, precious, but fails to come to its rightful unfolding. This child, like the bud that never fully opens, is gathered back into God's heavenly garden of souls.

Today we mourn our loss of a child. You weep, just as Jesus himself wept at the death of his friend Lazarus. Even if we knew the answers to the questions that rise so naturally to our hearts and minds at times like this, there still would be no adequate explanation for this loss. It is painful.

There are angels above. Angels who watch over the little ones of this earth. Jesus speaks of them when he tells his disciples to be careful not to think less of little children simply because they are little children, for in heaven, he says, their angels continually see the face of the Father in heaven.

There is a special place in the heart of God and amongst the angels for the little ones of this world just as there is a special place in our hearts today for Marcus Jaime.

And so we weep at what has happened. And so too - God weeps with us.

What can be said that might ease the pain, the grief that you - and all of us feel today?

There isn't much we can say that will help. We can express our sympathy and sorrow. We can offer words of love, care and concern. We can say we will pray for you. But other than that we don't know what to say about these things.

It is important to know that God is for you. God did not do this to you. God did not will Marcus Jaime's death or your pain. But God is with you in the midst of it all and will help you through it. God is for you. What is more, God gave up his own son for us all.

Jhon and Marjorie, God understands your pain. God had a son who died also. Jesus died on the cross for us.

Now you may think, "Sure, but Jesus rose from the dead." Well, because Jesus rose to new life you can be confident that Marcus Jaime has new life also, one that can never be snatched away from him - or from you.

Today - in your grief - know - that there is another angel in heaven whose name is Marcus Jaime. Cling to that hope - that promise of our God - and allow your tears to wash away the pain in the days and months to come.

Thank you our dear family, for again being there for us. We are definitely blessed to have you in our lives. We couldn't do this without you. Thank you!

Day 8 Mass Offering - We Are Not Alone

I am overwhelmed...

For the past days since we shared our online journal for darling Marcus to family and friends, Jhon and I have been constantly receiving thoughts of support and sympathy from the most unexpected people with overflowing compassion and prayers. Likewise, messages of love and comfort from people who I never knew went through the same ordeal as we did.

My high school best friend Trisha, who is thousands of miles away, shared with me the touching story she went through with her second child, dear Rielle. Though theirs had a happy ending, their journey is like deja vu to me, so I want to dedicate an entire journal entry just for that at a later time.

For now, I want to share the comparable stories of friends and family who went through, and who are still going through, the same pains we are. A friend, Grace, whom I haven't seen in years just informed me that she had a miscarriage last week. I am shocked. I feel truly sorry that I still could not answer her call. At this time, I believe I am not yet in the right emotional state to talk. Though I will message her for sure. I will make sure I am there through this also very trying time in her life.

My cousin Kuya Bob and wife Susan, recounted to me last night that they experienced the loss of their third child while Susan was on her 6th month of pregnancy. I am crushed, I never realized. And no matter how heartbreaking, Kuya Bob gave us hope by sharing this scripture that encouraged him and Susan during their difficult moment:

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I know there are a lot of parents grieving the loss of a child, but I never expected that a number of which are much closer to home. Friends of family, friends of friends. People we actually know, who also grieve in silence. We feel a certain connection with them. It is quite relieving to realize that we are not alone. Jhon and I thank you for sharing your experiences with us.

Also today, is Ash Wednesday. It is the first day of Lent where we repent before God. When we receive the ash in the shape of the cross, we are reminded:

"Remember, O man, that you are dust, and unto dust you shall return." Genesis 3:19

"Turn away from sin and be faithful to the Gospel." Mark 1:15

Jhon and I want to make a personal devotion for our little Angel Marcus within the 40 days before Easter. Ever since we lost our son, we feel that we have become better persons, better Christians deep within. Though we are still looking within us to offer up something to God. The love for our son Marcus will lead the way.

Day 7 Mass Offering - Love Happens

We heard mass this afternoon for little Angel Marcus' 7th day. The chapel's sacristan has started to remember us and our daily blessing requests from the priest for dear Marcus. We will not forget to thank him on Marcus' 9th day of novena.

We have gotten used to finding comfort in hearing Holy Mass everyday. Jhon and I promised to hear mass as often as we can, when I am fully recovered, even after Marcus' 40th day. This will be our personal vow to God and proudly another testament to our Marcus' magic.

After dinner with Mama, Ate Belle, Ate Mache, Mica, Bea, Cielo, Daniela, and Miguel, and together with Rhoda, Suzette, and DeeDee, we all headed to the theaters to watch a movie. Ate Belle a few days ago convinced Jhon and I to watch "Love Happens." She mentioned that the movie is not mostly a love story but more about coping with the loss of a loved one. She pushed that it will be helpful for us, so we agreed.

We could not help but relive the loss of our Marcus throughout the movie. Jhon and I could not let go of each other's hands, we just kept on squeezing each other at every scene. The tears would not stop. It has only been 11 days since we lost our angel Marcus. The wounds are as fresh as day one.

This reminded me of a quote from a person who posted a comment in You Tube about grieving. It said, "Just because I smile doesn't mean I'm happy... because it takes a smile to cover a thousand tears..."

Though Ate Belle was right. The movie did help us. It reminded us that, in time, we will eventually heal. That it is okay to grieve and that we are not alone in this trial we are going through.

Jhon and I have been looking for a movie that can help us with our healing. A movie that will constantly bring to mind that we are not alone. That God did not micromanage the loss of our dear son Marcus. This movie is it.

Thank you Ate Belle for again helping us remember that we can get through this, and that we will eventually get through this... but not just yet.

Day 6 Mass Offering

Monday, the start of the week. I slept in this morning, for a while laying in bed staring at my son's baby things. I know we have to function just the same but the day seems heavier today. The skies appear to be gloomy as well. The Heavens is grieving with me.

As I was wiping Marcus' sanctuary - that's how we call the altar we set up for him - this morning, I can't help but yearn for him yet again. My beautiful baby boy. I miss you terribly.

We will bring little Marcus to the chapel later for his 6th day of novena. I struggle to make myself ready to go out. To honor my son is not a task, I will do it everyday if need be. It is the emptiness that conquers me today that pulls me down. Though I will get by, I know little Angel Marcus would want me to be get by.

Yesterday, a good friend of ours, Mela, joined us to offer Holy Mass for little Marcus. We are truly appreciative of the love she extended to us. She took time out off her busy schedule to pray with us for Marcus. That to me is more gratifying than any dinner or coffee invites we receive. I still owe a lot of thank you's and responses to friends and family, however I still cannot seem do it right now. My energy is still drained and my heart is continually aching. All I can look to doing is type my thoughts in this journal, arrange and edit Marcus' photos and things, and listen to his music. In time, I will make it up to my friends and family, I promised myself that.

Chebong, Lizza, Elisse, and Max spent Valentine's Day with us, together with Mama, Ate Belle, Miguel, Mica, Bea, Cielo, and Daniela. It made coping with the day much easier having them around. Thank you once again my loving family. And little Angel Marcus is much thankful for the prayers you offer him.

It's almost time to hear mass. We will head down to the chapel soon. Prepping and carrying Marcus' urn has become routine for us. Papa Jhon has gotten used to carrying him, even though it hurts his shoulder. "It's nothing," he says. Like I said, we will climb mountains just to honor our little Angel Marcus. Camino de Santiago de Compostela in July?

We love you our baby Marcus!

Mama