On Your 5th Birthday, My Love

My dear Baby Marcus,

Happy, Happy Birthday my Love! You would’ve been 5 years old now. How time flies. Your Papa and I were counting today, “Has it really been 5 years?” I can only imagine how big and handsome you would be by now. But as God wanted it, you will be our forever baby, our angel baby in Heaven. 

Today, your Papa and I, together with Lola Talula of course, and Tita Belle, Ate Mica, and Kuya Miguel, heard Holy Mass for you. We had the priest bless you and he asked how old you would have been today. Then he asked if your Papa and I are planning to have another baby. I just told him, “Someday, maybe, soon.”

How are you, my love? Your Papa and I miss you terribly - most especially today. You know, we try to live our lives “normally” each day but today, we could not help but cry and mourn your loss once again. I looked through your blog tonight and it brought out memories of the time we lost you, my love. The pain is as fresh as it was 5 years ago. Your Papa and I shed helpless tears as we were transported back to the painful moments. Reading love notes from your cousins and Tita Belle, and most especially, the love letter your Papa wrote for you. It was all too much for us not to cry.

Every year, I write you a love note, aside from the nightly conversations I have with you. And every year, I try to make it a point that the letter I write you show that your Papa and I are getting better… each year. And I am happy to report that we are holding up well, my love. Thanks to the strong support we have from our family. And thanks to the wonderful one year we spent in Paris, your Papa and I have found our true passion. This keeps us happily busy. And everything that we have accomplished and continue to accomplish is because you are our inspiration, our muse.

---

Papa and I had a conversation just a few days ago. I asked him that if ever we are not blessed with another child, will he be okay with it? Your Papa - the ever gentle-hearted and understanding person that he is - said that it will be okay with him of course, but he also said that we should still give it a try. Whatever God wills, we will accept. 

I have to admit, my love, that after browsing through your blog tonight, I am again hopeful that, maybe, we will be blessed with another baby. You have given us so much love and so much joy that I want to experience that again. The fear has gone away. 

So on your birthday, my dear angel Marcus, you have blessed me again with hope and courage. Your light continues to shine on us… thank you, my baby Marcus. Thank you for always watching over Mama and Papa and the rest of our family.

I love you very much, my dear baby!!!

Always,

P.S.

I am sure you enjoyed the birthday celebration your Titas, Titos, Lola and Lolo, and sweetie Carine have done for you today. I am sure you loved the Happy Birthday song that Carine sang for you. They love you very much and I am sure you are always watching over them.

A reminder

It's been months since I last put my thoughts and feelings into writing. Most especially when I miss Marcus.  To be honest, I miss it. Nowadays, I've been quite preoccupied putting together a new business venture brought about Marcus' Love. Truthfully, I enjoy every minute of what I am doing right now, thanks to my baby boy. I can feel success just over the horizon. A project with a purpose and meaning.

As I go about my day, preparing for another work week, I find myself in a quiet room. I sit in front of the altar where we place Marcus' picture and Urn with his ashes. Beside me is our lovely little puppy Lola. She has kept me company all day, right on the couch as we wait for her mama to return home. I picked up on a favorite book we used to read while going through the process, "Born to Fly."

As I read on, my eyes felt cloudy, chest becomes tight, tears fall, feels like yesterday. The only difference I guess is that I am not sad, I just miss him.  I like feeling this way once in while because I feel like I reconnect with my Marcus. I often pray and ask that he would visit me in my dreams. Just cannot get enough of his handsome face that I want to see him even in my sleep.

Not a day goes by that I do not think about my son, I believe that every an hour or so Marcus enters my heart and mind at least once. Lately, many challenges and trials have been put upon us. Yet, I do not despair for this too will pass. Why? Because I have faith and hope that everything will turn out right. My son ever being so close to God, reminds me every step of the way to be patient and focus. Instantly, I feel better.

I feel so fortunate to have my son watching us everyday. Though there will be more challenges and trials, I'm not afraid because I am surrounded by love. I am forever grateful, you inspire me everyday my son. Papa is a better person because of you. Thank you for always reminding Papa. I love you dearly my boy!

Happy Birthday Papa Jhon

Today is Papa Jhon's birthday... his first birthday without our baby Marcus. Exactly last year today, Jhon celebrated his birthday with a big smile on his face, because last year we were very much pregnant and counting the days to see our beautiful baby boy Marcus in person.

Today is a good day for Jhon, though the word bittersweet seem to be a staple vocabulary for us now, it is what today is for him.

Last night before the eve of his birthday he was in good spirits. It was obvious that he was looking forward for it to be his day. After we arrived from an evening out buying our Marcus' special storage boxes - where we will place all his baby things - Jhon smilingly said, "I will chill tonight and just lounge." So he settled himself comfortably on the sofa and played his favorite video game Plants vs. Zombies. When midnight came we cheered together with a resounding "Woohoo!" and while carrying Lola, I sang to him Happy Birthday three times. Happy birthday Papa, happy birthday Papa... After the singing and cheering, Jhon went to our baby's sanctuary and kissed Marcus' urn and said, "Thank you baby." Jhon was happy.

When this morning came I knew Jhon woke up in a good mood. As always, he got up ahead of me and went by his morning routine. I faintly heard him speak with Ate Sherry when she called to greet him. And when I got up, Jhon was smiling. He could not wait to start celebrating his day. He received text messages constantly and phone calls here and there. I was very happy to witness how many people remembered his special day.

While having our morning coffee I asked him again what he wanted to do for his birthday, as I have been bugging him for days. Did he want to see family and friends? Did he want to have drinks with them? What about dinner? He just plainly said "I want a quiet birthday." I knew I could not argue with that.

He decided to stay in tonight so I went on to fix our Marcus' baby things this afternoon. I have been wanting to do this project since November but never seemed to get the chance to do it. I wanted to fix and arrange our baby's things that we displayed in his sanctuary as well as his baby clothes that I kept in our closet. I did not want them to get old and weathered so we bought beautiful storage boxes for them. Marcus' storage trunks as we would call it.

Jhon was very much okay and offered his hand to help. Quite refreshing to see honestly, because he had been quite emotional lately. I feel for him so much. It seemed like I have been the strong one these past months and I do my best to see him through. It was good to see him "get back on his feet."

Going through our baby's things brought us back eleven months ago when it all happened, though we somehow feel and handle it better now. There were occasional tears though it felt more like a pivotal step in our recovery had transpired this afternoon. Why, of all days, and after numerous efforts to accomplish this project, today - on Jhon's birthday - we finally realized it.

I told Jhon that a miracle was being done on his birthday. And it had Marcus written all over it.

Tonight, we were supposed to have dinner at Seven Corners to satisfy Jhon's craving for good steak and seafood. Mama Myrna even asked if she could join us and Jhon was touched by the affection. Though for some reason, things were not going as planned so we opted to reschedule. We were meant to stay in today.

So what truly transpired this afternoon?

Our Marcus is with us today and he was talking to Jhon. It was clear that our baby, together with God, controlled the events on Jhon's birthday and they had something special for him. A gift.

We transferred our baby's personal belongings in storage boxes today. To put away for safe-keeping. It is a chapter in our lives, our recovery, that is being completed. We, most specially Jhon, is somehow being inspired to move on. It is a clear message from Marcus that he wants his Papa Jhon to know that it is okay to get better - to feel better.

There is a line that always gets me in the movie Disney's Up. We have been catching the movie at the Disney channel several times these past weeks. This movie is our movie for Marcus. It is really special to us. And this afternoon while speaking about this monumental step we went through this afternoon, I felt compelled to reiterate to Jhon this favorite movie line of mine. I felt that I had to share it to him, it felt like I was being told to relay it to him. This very simple line yet very meaningful to me and our story, our story with Marcus.

"Thank you for the adventure. Now go get a new one."

Our baby boy works in extraordinary ways to help us with every aspect of our lives, and this is one of them. He is our little guardian angel. And today, he is here for his Papa Jhon. Another miracle, really.

It is a bigger, better, brighter start and new beginning for Papa Jhon. And I can't wait to witness his greatness. Because Marcus will be there with him every step of the way.

I am overwhelmed by our Marcus' magic. Thank you my baby.


A Love Note to Papa Jhon from Baby Marcus:

Happy birthday Papa! You are the best Papa in the whole wide world!

I am always here watching over you. Whenever you feel down, just think of me and I will always make you feel better... because I always whisper to God to take care of you. 

I know you keep me forever in your heart Papa, because I feel your love everyday. And today, on your birthday, I am there with you Papa, celebrating with you.

Mama and Lola Talula are there to give you the tightest hug like Superman, and the sweetest kiss like cotton candy for me. 

I love you very much Papa! Happy birthday!

Your baby boy, Marcus

Today Marks Half a Year

Today marks Marcus' supposed sixth month birthday. Many, mostly family and friends, are probably wondering how Jhon and Jet are. 

Just last night, Marcus visited me again in my dream. I wasn't filled with sadness because my son and I had a short conversation which revealed the answer I have been praying for. How can I be sad with an answer from God delivered by my sweet angel baby boy. It's a secret that he and I have, and in time this secret will be revealed.

Yesterday, when Jet and I were talking about the day that will be Marcus' sixth month brought about a conversation about our baby in the future tense. We talked about how Marcus would have been chubby, starting to move about, or just simply alive and well. Are we crazy? Is it denial? I don't think so, I see it more as hope and anticipation that one day we will be reunited with our baby boy in heaven, never to part again. 

Occasionally, we'd experience many emotional moments. The difference from just a few months ago and now is that we both can take a deep breath and move on. It's not because we don't want to release our emotions, it's because we'd want to be able to continue working on the projects made possible by our son's love, and most importantly, a promise we made to our son that we would live our life to the fullest.

I often tell Jet that I like the person that I am now. I feel and believe I am a much better person all around. I have a much much better outlook in life, and the future. I try my best to be a better person to everyone around me. I feel that life is too short to worry about small issues or petty circumstances. There are many more important things that need attention. I am more positive and I have my son to thank for this new found outlook in our life.

So if you ask how Marcus' parents are today? The answer lies in all that we are setting out to do. In all of our projects, our relationship with each other, our family, and our friends. Though we are not completely healed, we are taking "baby steps" and moving towards a more positive tomorrow.

For now, on our son's sixth month birthday, I just want to give some time to remember my son, light him a candle and pray for his eternal peace. I still wish to cuddle him, hold his hand, and kiss his tiny lips even just for a moment. I know it's not possible but I will always and forever long for him, and till that day comes I will be grateful that God gave us our Marcus... 

Papa Loves you very much baby Marcus!!!

Dear Papa and Mama

You held my tiny hand for a while

but will hold my heart forever.

Your Baby Marcus

Beautiful Memory of a Beautiful Boy

While Jhon watches his World Cup game I cozy myself to write this special entry about this beautiful memory of our baby Marcus. It's been long overdue.

During the darkest moments of our grieving, Jhon and I aided ourselves with helpful reading and journaling. Though the most important aspect of our healing is prayer. We surrendered all our worries and heartaches to God and prayed, foremost for the eternal repose of the soul of our son. Until now we see to it that we pray for our little angel everyday. During the course of our grief we have proudly become prayerful.

When the 40th day of Marcus was reaching (March 17th), I thought of giving our families something notable to remember our son with. It was going to be his Send-Off To Heaven. I did not want him to be forgotten in time. I wanted something that they can keep with them and always remember our son by. I wanted them to also continue to pray for him, as well as to be reminded to pray. That was essentially the remembrance and the gift we wanted to give them of our Marcus... the gift of not just any jewelry, but the gift of prayer.

When Ate Belle gifted us with amethyst bracelets early on in our grieving we were reminded of the healing attributes of crystals. The amethysts truly helped lessen the heaviness of our heartbreak. We wanted to share that healing to family as well. We hoped for Marcus' remembrance to heal them not only through prayer but through the healing properties of precious minerals as well.

Prayer and healing crystals combined led me to the thought of a rosary bracelet. Something that we can all wear as often and will lovingly remind us of our darling Marcus. After much research, we came up with a design that will suit all ages and lifestyle of each family member. We decided to use the amethyst because it is Marcus' birth stone, it represents him perfectly, and its healing properties are appropriate to our needs. The rose quartz because of its particular trait of healing a broken heart.

AMETHYST

Power Stone

It is used as a dream stone and to help insomnia. Put an amethyst under your pillow to bring about pleasant dreams, or rub it across your forehead to offer relief from a headache.

Protection Stone

Ancient Egyptians used the amethyst guard against guilty and fearful feelings. It has been worn as protection from self-deception, as well as a protection against witchcraft. The amethyst has long been used to open the spiritual and psychic centers, making it one of the power stones. It is also used as a meditation aid when worn as a necklace.

Wisdom Stone

The amethyst is known as the Bishop's Stone and is still worn by Catholic Bishops. The amethyst symbolizes piety, humility, sincerity and spiritual wisdom. It is thought the amethyst is the perfect stone to symbolize The Age of Aquarius.

Healing Properties of Amethyst

Amethyst is a gemstone often worn by healers, as it has the power to focus energy. A healer will usually wear several pieces of jewelry with amethysts set in silver, especially an amethyst necklace. The person to be healed will have an Amethyst to hold while the healing is being done. The healer will place another piece of Amethyst on the area of the body in need of healing, the heart or lungs usually.

Amethyst is used for problems in the blood and in breathing problems. Amethyst crystal clusters are used to keep the air and life force in the home clean and positive.

Amethyst clusters, points or several tumbled Amethysts placed in a window that receives sun most of the day are very beneficial to use in healing and to heal negativity in the home. Place Amethyst clusters, points or several tumbled Amethysts in moonlight and everyone in the home will be feeling calmer. Using an Amethyst as a meditation focus will increase the positive spiritual feelings. Amethyst helps overcome fears and cravings. It also helps relieve headaches.

ROSE QUARTZ

Your marriage can have more sparkle and fire when you keep a rose quartz under your pillow. You will look younger too.

Rose quartz is known as the love stone. It helps the user feel a strong sense of self-worth, therefore being worth love. Rose quartz is the stone of universal love. It is also the stone of love in marriage. When worn in jewelry the wearer feels a sense of self-worth.

Healing Properties of Rose Quartz

Rose Quartz has a gentle vibration of love for the owner. It gives inner peace and helps in all matters pertaining to love in all its forms. Rose Quartz opens the heart to love. It also helps as a rejuvenator to the skin. It is a lovely stone for a young person.

It is said washing the face in water charged by rose quartz will help fade wrinkles and keep the skin young.

Jhon mentioned to me early on that Ferdi wears a necklace with Marcus' name on it. That definitely touched me and I wanted each family member to carry his name with them as well. We thought to include it with the rosary to make it even more special. Nothing is more fitting than a heart charm engraved with his beautiful name. A detail that will truly make the rosary his own and close to each member's heart.

It was very important to us that this project be flawless and overall perfect. This was to be a memory of our dear Marcus. We knew it was not a jeweler we needed but a skilled and meticulous beader. The timing of Jhon finding Ysa online was perfect, almost serendipitous.

I feel it is suiting to not only to reiterate our journey with Ysa but to offer her with a testimonial as well because if not for her dedication, Jhon and I would not have accomplished this project with 100% satisfaction.

Ysa Yason (The Charmed Life) specializes not only in making bead accessories but most importantly she is a crystal enthusiast and believer who has an expert eye in such. She promotes the positive well-being that crystals represent. When she emailed me the amethyst and rose quartz she planned to use for the rosaries, Jhon and I knew she was the one we wanted to execute our baby's special remembrance.

From the get-go after Jhon mentioned to her how we planned to use the rosaries, she expressed her sincere interest and dedication to the project. Even weeks after their initial talk, she did not hesitate to take on the task.

"Although I have many projects as of the moment, it is my honor to be making this very special project in remembrance of baby Marcus, it will be one of my most special. ... I am very touched with your story and I pray for your peace."

Jhon and I encountered quite a number of challenges during the course of this project. We knew we were going to be as detailed as possible to ensure that each rosary will last forever, if not, at least withstand some physical stress especially since it will be used by our young and very active nieces and nephews. This nagging need for perfection and attention to detail led us to delay the distribution of the rosaries until they were perfect.

We personally chose and bought the more important components ourselves from the heart charm to the Cross and Mother Mary/Divine Mercy pendant. We also made sure that we used sterling silver chains to perfectly match the healing crystals. Ysa's valuable suggestions as to the more resilient designs to use for the chains were very helpful not to mention beautiful.

We appreciated that Ysa addressed every concern with the same meticulousness. She delivered with flying colors. Her attention to detail was evident in each rosary bracelet. From the samples to the finished product it was obvious she took her time working on each individual piece to make it perfect. She honestly exceeded our expectations.

Ysa assembled 29 rosary bracelets in less than 5 days. When we received the finished pieces we felt very excited and relieved at the same time. We were obviously looking forward to finally distributing one of our baby's most precious memories yet we were also very relieved that we were giving away something truly beautiful to look at.

Together with the package that arrived was a personal handwritten note from Ysa. Re-reading what she wrote now, I can't help but feel privileged, her words were warm and sincere and I was definitely moved on how this project truly meant to her. Without disrespecting the personal nature of her note, I would like to share her words for it is a true testament of how Marcus touches people's lives in many ways.

Dear Marjorie and Jhon,

This is such a special project and I feel so honored that you trusted me in making these bracelets.

This was a learning experience for me in many ways and I say from the bottom of my heart that your son is truly an angel, touching so many people's hearts.

You are blessed and I wish you the best.

Yours,

Ysa

I thanked Ysa via text message and relayed how very pleased we are of the rosaries. There was no doubt she took extra effort into making each rosary special. It was so diligently assembled that it looked almost machine-made. Her response message brought tears to my eyes.

"... Of course you know this already but I just want to let you know I feel that your son is always watching over you. All I could think about while doing every piece was 'make it nice for them, make it nice for them.' There were many times I had to redo a piece to make it better. I'm thinking now it was your little angel whispering to me to make it nice for his Mama and Papa. I was kind of embarrassed to tell you that 'cause we don't know each other but I just need to let you know that. That's why I included in the note that you're blessed because you have an angel watching over you. Take care."

Even before she expressed her thoughts on this project I already knew I was going to write about it. This project brought about a lot of emotions because it is too special to us. And I was jubilant that it produced such beautiful personalized pieces. Ysa made it happen. I was very thankful for the work that Ysa did that I told her of my planned blog entry. I wanted to keep it mum until the post but I was filled with gratitude that I could not help but tell her in advance. I hope she humors me as I share her response message yet again.

"Oh Marjorie, thank you so much. That made me teary eyed again. This project reminded me so much why I love what I do. Thank you and I truly wish you the best. Thank you for sharing your story through your blog. My heart aches for you, I can't say I understand 'cause I can't even imagine the grief. I pray for you and I know it is but little consolation but please know your son's short time touched so many people more than a person who lived a hundred years. I truly wish you the best."

I opted to share her messages because I feel hers is a sincere expression of how Marcus' magic lingers. I believe our son's life truly touched her and it definitely showed in her work. I shared her messages too to show how good of a person she is and how her honesty shows she has a big heart. I am also very thankful of her because she made it happen not only for Jhon and I but especially for Marcus ultimately.

In truth, we were quite concerned on how to make a handmade piece as flawless as possible. We knew there were a number of limitations when it comes to handmade accessories. We almost came to a point of having them 'finished' by a jeweler. But Ysa put our worries to rest. She saw to it that the components she used were of quality and the construction of each was carefully assembled. It is not surprising she regarded herself as an artist of her craft. This is more than just a business for her, it is her passion. And it showed.

Thank you Ysa. And thank you for acknowledging the life of our Marcus.

After having them blessed, Jhon and I gave away the rosary bracelets on Mama Myrna's birthday, June 14th. We felt it was appropriate that day because it was a day of thanksgiving. Thanksgiving for yet another blessed year for our Mama (many more years to come) as well as thanksgiving for our little angel Marcus. We wanted to give each rosary personally instead of just having them delivered. It was Marcus' gift to them.

As originally planned in our little angel's Send-Off To Heaven, we distributed each bracelet with our baby's personal prayer card and a note describing each respective healing crystal, all package in a little silver paper bag. After much effort that we put into executing this project, Jhon and I placed a personal note inside each box to express how truly special this rosary means to us with the hope of them treasuring it equally.

Ate Belle who witnessed the process we went through into transforming these rosaries noticed for a fact that they are truly beautiful. Every time I see her, I see her wearing Marcus' bracelet and wristband with pride.

Our Mama Myrna wears hers proudly as well. She does not wear any other accessory but the rosary.

Our sweet niece Daniela girl, wears her bracelet to school and makes sure she keeps the box ready in her bag for safe storage.

Our darling Cielo pie also brings her rosary bracelet safe in its box to school everyday and wears her wristband even to sleep.

Our sweet nephew Miguel, wears his wristband "all the time even when he takes a bath" as he proudly says it. He also brings his rosary to school everyday as they require them in Ateneo.

Our young lady niece Bea never takes off her wristband. When I see her, she wears her rosary proudly and with much care.

Our big boy nephew Jake wears his wristband to school everyday.

Regina messaged me after receiving her rosary and said she will never leave home without it. Marcus' prayer card is kept in her wallet for her to look at always. She lovingly mentioned that "nothing will ever come close to this gift." She messaged Jhon recently and said she has gotten numerous compliments from wearing the bracelet.

Jhon and I continue to pray everyday for our son and for our healing. Though now we pray using the very special rosaries we have in remembrance of our Marcus.

We wish for our families to experience the same healing and hope the rosary bracelet provides us and the meaning it ultimately represents... the loving memory of our dear little angel Marcus.

I am Marcus' Papa

Several days before Father's day, I was at the mall running an errand when I came across a father and son sitting quietly at the cafe. As I made my way pass them I noticed the son was sleeping securely on his father's arms and shoulder. His father holding him with the utmost care one can give his child. He too catches a few winks as they wait for mommy to come back.

I tell myself with a smile and some amount of grief, "that could've been Marcus and I." I carry on about my errand facing another day without my boy.

I smile because I had thoughts that it was Marcus and I sitting on that couch waiting for Mama Jet. Crazy as it sounds, but I do daydream often about Marcus. I always want to remember my son as he were alive. I know in my heart and mind that he is very much alive in heaven waiting patiently for his family.

June 20, 2010, Father's Day. I didn't feel much sadness during this day. Jet greeted me, my family greeted me, I know my son was with me. I couldn't help but feel proud to be a father. I am especially proud because God gave us such a handsome and wonderful little boy. He gave us more than anybody could with his short time here on earth. For that, I am even more proud to be his father.

As the day progressed into the night, I was given the most wonderful gift a father could receive from his angel son. Mama Jet, worked all day and dug deep to connect with our Marcus as they collaborated to create the most beautiful message a son would give his father.

Both joy and sadness filled my heart, the tears fell as I read my "Electronic Journal." It brought back so many wonderful memories and feelings we experienced together as a family, yet it's just Mama Jet, Lola, and I that remain here today... We will always have our moments in which we feel bereaved, that will never go away but we have equipped ourselves with the tools that bring faith to our little family.

The scene I witnessed at the mall meant more to me than just another father and child. It gave me a short glimpse as to what I could expect in the future. It gives me hope that one day I too will be given a yet another chance to be the father I want to be.

When that day comes I'll be ready as I ever will be. And most importantly to always keep and hold his memory safe for the rest of my life, because I am Marcus' Papa...

P.S.

To my Marcus, Jet and Lola. I love you all!

Papa is always here for you!

To Papa on Father's Day... From Marcus Baby

Dear Papa Jhon,

I have been thinking for weeks on something special to do for your very first Father's Day. How can I top the special poem, gorgeous flowers, and delectable cake you gave me on my day? We both know that nothing 'just material' will be suffice. I had to be creative.

I hope you liked the animated journal made speaking from the thoughts and words of our little Marcus. I spoke to our baby the whole time, and asked him to help me write the words he would have told you.

I know how special our 7 months together is to you Papa. These memories we have of our baby Marcus is treasured. And I knew Marcus wanted to tell you too how much love he felt during our pregnancy.

We love you very much Papa... me, baby Marcus, and Lola. We are very blessed to have you taking care of us and loving us. Thank you for spoiling us rotten.

Jhon, you are my best friend, you are my life. You know how much I love you...

Happy Father's Day! Love love love!

To Papa on Father's Day... From Marcus Baby

www.wix.com/mamajet/from-marcus-on-papa-day-2010

Good Grief, Bad Grief

A close family member told me lately that there are different forms of grief -- various instances where we experience feelings of loss. Since we lost Marcus I have read a number of books stating this same fact as well and I acknowledge it. We grieve when a loved one is lost, may it be through death or broken relationships. We grieve when we lose a job or a business which we have learned to love all these years. We grieve when we lose a business deal. We grieve when we lose material things that we consider priceless and irreplaceable. By definition, loss simply means an end to something. What was once there is now gone, sometimes nowhere to be found.

Interestingly enough, while I jot down these types of losses, one Filipino word keeps on repeating in my head. "Sayang." A very common term Filipinos say when they feel something worthwhile is wasted. With Americans, they usually say, "What a waste."

But what is considered "sayang" anyways? Is it right to weigh these losses into different degrees of depth? Which weighs more than the other?

The most common form of grief that people automatically attach with the word is death. Coming from a person who has lost 2 loved ones in 4 years - 3 in 10 years - and most recently 1 just 4 months ago, sadly I have become an expert in losses. Maybe I could call it a progressive loss, where the pain of losing one loved one at a time gets deeper and more intense each time. And each time, it digs deeper and deeper into the core of my still wounded, barely recovered heart. Ten years ago I lost my Nanay (our nanny) who took care of us siblings since birth, four years ago I lost our Papa Jaime, and just four months ago I lost my infant son Marcus.

So why does grief significantly coincide with death compared to the others I mentioned early on?

Because death is final.

The finality of death is unspeakable. One can't even comprehend the unfathomable despair of death until they experience it themselves. It is more than a closed book, bigger than packing your bags, greater than seeing someone exit the door, more significant than cleaning up your office, more than signing divorce papers, hugely different from surrendering the keys, graver than anything material that one could possibly lose.

When someone loses a loved one through a broken relationship, the people involved seldom reconcile. And when or if they ever do, there will always remain some sort of unspoken bad blood between the two. The bottom line, shouldn't that be considered as "good riddance" anyway? If you were wronged, the emotional baggage is not worth hanging on to. Though ultimately, the person is still very much there. No matter how burnt the bridge is, it can always be rebuilt.

Losing material things is another. When you lose a job or business, a house or car, a business deal -- all of these can be replaced even superseded. The time and effort one has put into acquiring it is greatly considered, yes, and it is a waste. "Sayang." Yet the obvious fact is, it can all be obtained again, in one form or another. The bottom line, it can be fixed.

This does not say that one loss deserves better acknowledgment than the other. Who wants to experience greater grief than the other anyway? I assume nobody would want to be included in this contest. Life in itself is dramatic enough. I seriously do not wish for anyone to experience the extreme heartbreak I currently live through.

I usually wonder why some people see it that Jhon and I should be over our grief by now. Is there a time limit to grieving? Is 4 months enough time to finally lock up our emotions and treat life as if we never lost a child? Is Marcus' short life easier to get over compared to a person who lived a hundred years? I wonder again, if people looked at themselves during times when they were in deep grief, would they have told themselves to stop feeling? Scathing, yes. Pun very much intended.

Grief does not have to be altogether bad. Grieving does not mean you are weak. Grieving and being true to yourself does not mean you are dwelling. Jhon and I have reached a point in our mourning where we are learning how to live with it. The fact of the matter is, it is the additional stress and external forces in life that compound the affliction.

The vital detail that needs to be addressed is how you channel grief into something monumental, something positive.

Good Grief.

Grieving does not automatically define us to be sulking and sinking into deep depression. Our 4 short months of grief has taught Jhon and I to better ourselves. We are fortunate enough to have found books that aided in our healing. These books paved our path to acceptance. During times when we could not articulate the emotional roller coaster of it all, these books shed light into every perplexing feeling we experienced. Expert advice of clinical psychologists who specialize in neonatal loss and grief; stories of other parents who went through the same experiences we did and offered learning 'modules' into understanding grief and channeling it into meaningful actions. We are still very much grieving though we do not see wrong in that. Our grief does not cripple us, it empowers us.

The short life of our son taught us to live a more meaningful life. His memory fuels us into doing good for others. Every time I have an epiphany for a project to honor Marcus it lifts my spirits knowing that because of him we are living a life not only for ourselves but for others as well. My heartache and loss is channeled into something positive.

"Sayang?" I refuse to believe that the loss of our son has gone to waste, in a matter of speaking. His short life is not "sayang." Our grief and intense longing for him is "not a waste." The magic of Marcus has turned a gruesome negative into a momentous positive. This is a pivotal time in our lives and we consciously decide to utilize it for others.

Marcus' love has catapulted us into becoming humble benefactors to select recipients, one Baby Step at a time. His love emanates. Hence, The Love Of Marcus Fund.

A labor of love to honor his memory and to make his short life count through outreach projects. Simple and pure. It is not bound by selfish reasons or illusions of grandeur. Pure love, pure assistance.

The Love Of Marcus Fund.

Butterfly Mommies

May 14, 2010:

I was surfing around Blogger reading entries of other parents, mostly mothers, from blogs that they have started for their precious little angels. While browsing Footprints On Our Hearts I saw a link button appropriately named Butterfly Mommies. I knew right away this is a site I appropriately belong to.

Butterfly Mommies was visualized by Kristie Verret and Katy Larsen. Two mothers who themselves have babies living in heaven. They came together and offered a place for butterfly mommies to share their respective stories to one another and hopefully, for the general population to understand better the gravity and intensity of a mother's deep grief. I see it as a safe-haven for mothers with babies in heaven.

Katy and Kristie opened their site to any butterfly mommy willing to share their journey with others. With no second thought, I found myself sending an email to Katy and stated to her how an honor it would be to share our Marcus' story to their readers.

May 18, 2010:

I received a response email from Katy saying that she had included our blog in their list. Her email was uncomplicated and warm. The message of sympathy was heartfelt.

Their synopses for each blog list is very personalized and I was expecting for her to ask for a picture or some kind of a layout I would want used for the link. When she did not detail this in the email I immediately checked what they have come up with. I was excited.

I loved the way they incorporated Marcus' framed picture with the title of his blog. They kept the background white, which I truly appreciated. This simple gesture of creating and arranging a personalized abstract for my son's blog is very moving to me. I'm very thankful.

I responded to her email and thanked her for the very thoughtful gesture. I wished her and her family well and offered my prayers.

I wish Kristie and Katy the best in all their endeavors. These two butterfly mommies go out of their way to reach out to people who have experienced great loss. Among others, they have started a ministry called Anchored By Hope (www.anchoredbyhope.com), an "online Bible study and Christian support ministry for those suffering pregnancy and infant loss." Right when I read the mission of their cause from their website, I was instantly given comfort that I was understood and that God is there walking my journey with me.

The lead that Kristie and Katy take makes me stronger in my faith to accomplish my personal projects for my Marcus. I find that I am certainly on the right track to paying tribute to the wonderful memory of my son.

Though my child is not with me, I have experienced more than most mothers ever would. Being a butterfly mommy (or butterfly mama as I call myself) indeed gives us a higher purpose in life after our tragedy. As Marcus' mother, I vow to make my experience a stepping stone into something truly worthwhile; to reach out and help others, to make the mistakes done to us right for others. I vow to make the memory of Marcus undoubtedly count.

My eyes are wide open... I see things in a different light. This is my journey.

The Marcus Love-band

While browsing through Fully Booked hoping to find some good reading, I stumbled upon some rubber wristband "name tags." I am very much familiar with the Lance Armstrong "Livestrong" wristband but this one had a selection of various names you can choose from. You'll have to check though if your name was one of the lucky ones chosen to be produced.

I instinctively looked for our Marcus' name. And to my luck there it was. Woohoo!

I excitedly showed Jhon my newly-found treasure. With it I also got one wristband that says "Little Angel" which completed my term of endearment for my baby.

*LITTLE ANGEL MARCUS*

To add to the distinctive character of the wristband, encouraging words are artistically scattered along the circumference of the bracelet.

*Smile * Dream * Inspire * Laugh * Hope * Trust * Believe * Dare * Encourage * Wish *

I love that these words are all intertwined with the name of our Marcus. These words represent everything that he is about. It is truly inspiring. It may look cheesy on the outset but if we look deep inside us, some good words of encouragement can go a long way. And Marcus is the perfect channel.

A couple of times I've experienced myself encouraged by these words. One morning I woke up feeling quite down about myself. It was one of those days. Incidentally as I opened my eyes the first sight I saw was my wrist, Marcus' name, and the words Hope and Encourage staring at my face. Needless to say, I spent that day more hopeful and encouraged with an air of peace within me. One of my more productive days to date.

We have been wearing these wristbands for almost a month now. We never remove it. It's definitely special.

As always, we wanted to share the beauty and magic we experience from the love of Marcus. We decided to buy more of the wristbands and distribute them to family. Fully Booked managed to collect 12 bracelets for us from their various branches. Enough to give away to our 10 nieces and nephews plus 2 more for 2 adults in the family.

Jhon and I imagined the kids answering people when asked, "Why Marcus?"

"He is our cousin. He is an angel baby."

We thought we would distribute the bracelets on Miguel's birthday celebration, knowing all the kids would be there. And seeing Ate Belle that day was fitting. We knew she would appreciate the meaning behind the wristband.

Her text message that night was very sweet. She promised to always wear it. "Every time I see it, Marcus reminds me to live my best life and to be grateful for everything and to everyone..."

As luck would have it, Jhon accidentally found more wristbands while buying Miguel's birthday gift that afternoon. We will have more to give away to Jhon's family. We were worried it would take some time to collect more. It's very exciting.

My Mama's Day Special

Yesterday was my day. I was more happy than sad to celebrate Mama's Day. I am proud to be a mother. The gift of being a mother is a definite treasure to me. Bittersweet, yes, though I embraced the day because yesterday, my little angel Marcus greeted me a very Happy Mother's Day.

How did my day start?

I slept in - for I went to bed just about when the sun was rising. I stayed up all night reading my new book The Good Grief Club by Monica Novak. I am appreciating this book so far. The emotional and raw feelings of loss by these 7 women who eventually became friends, brought together by the same unfortunate experiences, keeps me in 'positive' touch of my own emotions.

As I read the preface, I felt immediately in tuned and somewhat comforted with this excerpt:

I found no comfort in being a statistic. Where I drew comfort, however, was from knowing that someone else on this planet understood my intense pain, the indescribable feelings of helplessness and loss. I drew comfort from knowing that other people had survived following the death of their own child, eventually finding happiness and purpose in their lives again.

Somehow, no matter how empathic a person - and I really do appreciate the empathy - if one has not lost a child, it is not conceivably possible to dig deep enough and feel the intense grief we bear for losing our baby. It truly takes one to know one.

I could not put the book down. I believe I will finish reading this one in no time.

Now back to my Mama's Day special...

Surprise Gift No. 1:

Around mid-morning while still very much in deep sleep, I can hear Jhon typing away on the laptop. I left him to do whatever it was he was busy concocting. My unconscious mind dreams away.

I was dreaming what seems to be a typically irrelevant dream. The kind that you won't even remember by the time you open your eyes. Even now, as I try my best to recall the dream, I do not succeed. But as I was nearing the end of this 'forgettable' dream, the story shifts.

All of a sudden I was transported to my elementary school campus. I was standing at the huge quadrangle while hundreds of little girls, lined up by the exposed corridors, sing and dance in a well-choreographed, consistent motion. They were all smiling and giddy. Much like enthusiastic choir members performing in front of a big crowd. Then almost instantaneously they ended their act, and altogether pointed to the sky with their arms extended diagonally upward.

I turned to the direction they pointed and there it was... the cutest, most innocent and child-like character one could put together.

The animated character resembled and looked to me like Gumbie, this children's character on television made out of clay. He was wearing some kind of a cowboy outfit complete with fringed leather pants and matching cowboy hat. He was smiling directly at me. It felt like the friendliest smile ever. I could not help but smile back.

Then just when he got my full attention, he endearingly uttered, "I love you Mama."

While still very much asleep I knew, it was my baby Marcus, coming to me in my dream, greeting me.

He made the Gumbie character especially for me. The same way a child would draw pictures for their parents as gifts. My baby Marcus gave me a cowboy clay figure for Mama's Day.

My heart was overwhelmed with joy that he visited me in my dream. He spoke to me and told me he loves me!

My dream was over before I knew it. His visit was quick yet very powerful. It was the first time my Marcus came to me in my dreams. I opened my eyes and I started to weep.

My baby visited me! My baby knew it was Mama's Day and gave me the most precious gift. He knew this day was going to be hard for me. He made sure I started my day with a special gift from him. I felt so lucky. It was truly my special day.

I kept on repeating the dream in my head, trying my best to etch the memory permanently and make it last forever. I never want to forget. Only I know how truly special it was.

What else could I ask for?

Surprise Gift No. 2:

Jhon went in the room when he heard I was awake. I told him about my dream. He comforted me until I could control my tears. Then he eagerly showed me my second gift.

He sincerely told me how unskilled he usually is with writing poems. But then he showed me what he just wrote. He proudly announced that - Marcus wrote me a poem.

The blog entry wrote, A Message for Mama...

My tears started to again fall though I did not feel depleted because for the second time yesterday I was crying happy, grateful tears.

It was obvious how Jhon wanted to make my Mama's Day extra special. I can just imagine how difficult it was to make me feel special without pushing those sensitive buttons. I belong to a unique group of mothers. The littlest things can trigger uncontrollable feelings of grief even though the intent is sincere. Jhon knew exactly how to make the day right for me.

Surprise Gift No. 3:

Just after lunch, I could tell Jhon was feeling anxious. I knew he was waiting for something to arrive. He did a great job making me feel anxious too. He knew how I liked getting surprises so he made sure I knew something was coming.

At around 3 p.m. it arrived, the most special bouquet of roses I've ever received. He said it was from baby Marcus and Lola Talula. The arrangement was gorgeous. Jhon knew precisely what I wanted. I could not ask for anything more.

Even Lola got into the Mama's Day spirit. She was very cooperative while I took photos of her with the roses. She too loved the roses very much, she could not stop sniffing them.

I made sure I rearranged the beautiful roses appropriately to fit my baby Marcus' sanctuary.

I made it a point to take enough shots of my special roses. Ample enough that I had to make a slideshow of it so I could properly show it off. I created it to express my thanks for Jhon's sweetest gesture. I am definitely loved.

Surprise Gift No. 4:

Today, Mama's Day Part 2, Jhon gave me my current favorite cake. Mary Grace's (Red) Velvet Cake. Yum!

He wrote a card that said:

To: Mama

Happy Mother's Day! You are the best Mama in the whole world! We love you very much!

From: Baby Marcus and Lola Talula

Need I say more?

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I never expected anything for Mother's Day. I did not want to be patronized. I would accept greetings only if they were extended wholeheartedly. The last thing I wanted was pity. Call me snooty but that was how I truly felt.

Jhon, Marcus, and Talula perfected my very special Mama's Day.

My ingredients for my very special Mama's Day recipe:

- 1 part Papa Jhon

- 1 part baby Marcus

- 1 part Lola Talula

- 1 very special I Love You Mama greeting

- 1 utterly sweet poem from Marcus (written by Papa Jhon)

- 1 perfect bouquet of long-stemmed roses

- 2 delectable red velvet cakes (Mary Grace style)

- a whole lot of Love

I am a Mama loved.