Not As Easy

I finally updated my baby's Photo Memories page. Ever since I discovered the world of digital scrapbooking, I have been meaning to use these interesting elements to improve the overall look of Marcus' photos. Voila.

I realized that while I believe my days have been much better lately, seeing my Marcus' pictures for hours while working on the project made me yearn for him all over again. This feeling of being transported back in time... to the night I lost my sweet son. Staring at his beautiful and angelic face makes me want to hug him tight and keep him in my arms. I long for him. After 5 months without my son I realized that I still feel the physical pain of having "empty arms." While my heart aches for my baby, my arms ache to cradle him. 

I am learning how to live with the pain. The physical pain of my broken heart and the pain of my empty, aching arms. I will just have to keep teaching myself to live with it.

Though I do embrace feeling the pain, I would rather that than feel numb inside. I long for my son, and I do not see any wrong in that.

I miss you!

After somewhat of a productive week, I find myself sitting on the couch. Not really sure what am I'm supposed to do on this saturday afternoon. Sitting, with nothing but the sound of the air filter and subtle noises from the hallway.

As I try to organize my thoughts on what I can possibly do on a hot saturday afternoon. I came across the timer that Jet installed for Marcus. A little "ticker timer" showing the exact amount of time our baby isn't with us. I cry, I try not to. Yet as I jot down my feelings, my emotions get the better of me again. I MISS YOU TERRIBLY!!!

Oh how I wish I can hold you once more...

Re-learning To Live

Am I supposed to resume my life the way it was before Marcus? I am not the same. I am a different person now.

I want to live a life with my son. But I can't. My son is an angel. He lives in heaven. Earth is where I am.

I live a different life. I see things in a different light. I am forever changed.

Facing Another Day Without My Love

Today is my oldest sister, Ate Mache's birthday. It's her big 4-0, so we want to make sure we will be there for her birthday dinner tonight.

Jhon reminded me about tonight's event when we got up this morning. I honestly forgot about it. My initial thoughts when I wake up every morning is my love, Marcus. Today I woke up singing to the song Fly by Celine Dion in my head.

"Fly little wing..."

Before getting up I told Jhon how I missed our Marcus so very much. I imagined him laying in between us in bed. Or maybe sleeping soundly on his Papa Jhon's chest.

Jhon visualized us dressing him up nicely for tonight's dinner. "Imagine when we bring him in, the attention will veer away from the birthday girl and everybody will start crowding our baby boy," he said smiling, his eyes starting to tear.

It is still very hard for us to go on each day without our son. Yesterday, when Jhon proudly uttered how Marcus is undoubtedly my junior, I exhibited a wide and genuinely happy smile -- one that does not happen very often these days. I immediately responded, "Of course!"

For a split second, my mind thought that I was still pregnant and Marcus was still yet to be born. It was bliss.

My smile disappeared as fast as it came when reality struck.

Today is my sister's birthday. Jhon and I are again faced with another day where we need to put on a smiling face.

The bittersweet reality of celebrating another year of blessing of one's life while, at the same time, silently grieving the great loss of another.

Turning a New Leaf

I noticed my journal that has been sitting on my bedside table while I was getting up this morning. I have a few journals and this particular one is what I wrote on when I was pregnant with my baby Marcus. On top of the journal was a list of 'to do's' I jotted down about two months back... prepping for Marcus' arrival. I was curious about what I wrote and thought to take a short glimpse. Repainting, shelving for Marcus, cabinetry, bathroom baby proofing, ... I ended up opening the journal and began reading my journey with my baby boy.

January 2010 I started writing in the journal. Not realizing it will all end too soon, I should have started earlier. Though in a way I am relieved I still have these memories written down. I will always have with me a very important remembrance of Marcus. It contains my purest and most intense feelings of affection for my son, while he was growing inside me. I spoke of his very active movements, how he loved kicking and exercising. I spoke about my fears - how I did not want him harmed in any way, my worries about my high glucose levels. I noted down every plan I had wanted for him - from his baby things, his room, his future. I wanted the best for him. I was going to spoil him rotten.

Most especially, I wrote down how he had changed my life. Before he came, I was living quite a selfish life. I was preoccupied with 'me.' But when my miracle came along I started to live a purposeful life. He made me a better person, he made my life worthy. I never realized a tiny person could open my eyes to a whole new beautiful world. I started to live a selfless life, I lived a life for Marcus, I lived a life of a mother. It was exhilarating.

My journal has many unused pages. Suddenly left blank, supposedly meant for future memories with our little one. When you look at my journal, it holds a deep representation of my life. How once I was a mother, full of hope and dreams for our son. As you turn the pages expecting to read more, you unexpectedly see blank, white unused leaves. A promise of a future drew to a halt.

I have a few journals. Looking back, it seems to represent different chapters in my life. Why? All of them having a common denominator -- all left with unused pages. Though my journal for and with Marcus, is 90% blank.

A few weeks ago I bought a new journal. I didn't realize that it meant another chapter in my life. A new chapter about living, but living a life without my son.

Yesterday, Today

As I was cleaning my laptop, removing and filtering files from weeks and months back, I stumbled upon sites that I bookmarked... while I was pregnant with Marcus. Just seeing a glimpse of the addresses I shiver, from a mixture of dread and fear. I was scared to be reminded. That only a month ago I was searching for baby photographers, baby room wall stickers, furniture makers for our Marcus' bedroom, even for a bigger place to accommodate our growing family. I hesitantly clicked on each saved website and watched... in pain.

Memories rushed back, relived. I stared helplessly. Tears started to fall. Seconds after, I decided not to delete. One by one I moved them into a folder for safe-keeping. A part of me does not want to forget. Why would I erase part of a wonderful memory? A time when I was carefully planning for our baby's arrival, our future. It was bliss. It was Marcus.

I scrolled down. I felt disturbed by the sudden shift of topics I searched for. When I glance at websites I have saved the past weeks, I see articles, support groups, prayers, Bible verses, poems... for grieving and healing. Just 43 days ago. The promise of a beautiful life with our baby Marcus was abruptly halted. The unexpected turn of events just 43 days ago.

This is what I do now. This is my life... 43 days after.

I miss you terribly my baby Marcus. Mama woke up this morning hoping that you were in her arms. I would give anything just to cradle you one more time, my love. Though I am fine, do not worry about me. Everyday I teach myself to live a life without you. Yet I attest to live my life for you. Mama loves you.

1st Month With-out Marcus

When I look out the window it is evident that the world below is going about it's day, doing it's normal routine. Might be selfish, but it's hard to stomach the fact that the world outside is not grieving alongside with me... each and every day.

And today is much harder to accept than usual. Today is our baby Marcus' supposed 1st month birthday. He would have already lived for 30 miraculous days. Looking back, I remember cousin Rhoda suggesting to me that day I delivered Marcus - before the toughest night of Jhon and I's lives - to do a monthly celebration for our little one as a thanksgiving. The supposed celebration has now transformed into deep sorrow.

Last night I was searching for books that might help me and Jhon get through our grieving process much easier. When I was going through various book synopses, it was comforting to know that we are not alone. Many parents are also silently grieving like we are. We grieve in silence because the outside world seem to have a hard time empathizing with bereaved parents like us. Though meaning well, most people see our story as "not much of a loss" as compared to a passed adult loved one. There just aren't enough memories to mourn about, they think. They find it difficult to sympathize for they have never met or seen our little one. "It could've been worse," they say. "Imagine if you lost him after a few months."

Though my Kuya Ken said before, "A loss is a loss... It doesn't make the situation less important or less painful just because Marcus only lived with us for a few hours." Kuya Ken and the rest of our immediate family members tell a different story. We are lucky to have such a supportive family. They feel for us because Marcus is their blood too.

But sometimes I think that I might be getting mad. Am I overreacting? Melodramatic? Masochistic? Am I supposed to move on much easier? Am I not allowed to grieve so deeply for our darling baby Marcus just because?

Knowing that parents just like us, who lost an infant child, go through the same arduous ordeal is a bit reassuring. What Jhon and I are going through right now is perfectly normal. We are not going crazy. No one can dictate us and say "just get over it and move on." For I believe in my heart that we will never truly heal. In time the wound will just seem less raw but it will never disappear.

I look forward to receiving the books I ordered. I anticipate reading about how other parents memorialize their little angels. How they cope with celebrating significant yet heart-wrenching dates such as birthdays and anniversaries, for we do not want our little Angel Marcus to be forgotten in time.

This blog that we started is more than just an online journal of our thoughts and journey through it all, but more importantly, this is a memorial for our darling Marcus. We want to share him to the world the best way we can. We want to proclaim our love for him and declare to the world the wonders he has done for me and Jhon, and those who have witnessed his beauty one way or another.

Our little Marcus has been an Angel in heaven for 30 days now, and counting. I believe that is something worth celebrating for.

This is how Jhon and I picture our little Angel Marcus in heaven. We love you our darling baby boy. We miss you more and more each day. God bless you and rest in peace.

Barely Getting By

It's been days since my last entry in our journal. I try to get myself up and write down my thoughts and feelings, but cannot seem to. Instead I try to go about our day making sure everything is in order and making sure Jet and Lola have everything they need.

Have I been afraid of my feelings which I'm keeping inside? Perhaps! Today is tougher than ever. After having gone to the place where our son was taken from us inflicted more pain in my wounded heart. All I can think and feel today is that I should be watching Marcus, I should be feeding him, changing him, or playing with him. To hear him laugh or cry or just to see him open his eyes. I can only dream and imagine. It's killing me.

It pains me to see my Jet cry and hurt. I wish I could say everything will be alright but I'll just be fooling myself. Things won't be alright, today, tom, the following day, and the day after. This is how I feel and see things right now. I won't be able to see my son grow. We won't be able to spend time as father and son. Everything that I do always has a thought of Marcus attached to it. As simple as washing the dishes, I think about washing his bottles. When I tidy up, all I see is that I'm tidying his things as well.

I'm afraid. I feel as if there will be a sudden outpour of emotions yet to come out from the shell that I have created in my heart. Yet, through this great emotional struggle I still find some light from God. I am reminded that He is in control of our life. With such reassurance I am barely getting by...

I pray that we will be okay. God, I put my trust in You. Show us the way, tell me what it is that You want from me and I will whole heartedly follow.

Marcus my sweet baby boy. I miss you so much! I love you with all my heart!!!

19 Days Without Marcus

Yesterday we went to my doctor for a follow-up check up. It was hard going back to the place where it all happened. Before turning to the hospital lobby the feeling of dread was already overpowering. I couldn't believe we were back there again. Every step towards our doctor's office reminded us of the memory of our harrowing moment. This was the place were we lost our son. Our precious gift that was taken away from us just 19 days ago.

We braved entering Dra. Chua's office hoping to get everything over with as fast as we can. Sadly, even with an appointment we had to wait it out for 45 minutes before it was our turn. When the assistant took my vitals it was evident I was stressed when my blood pressure recorded 152/95 the first try and 139/92 the second time. I am not usually a hypertensive person.

When my name was called by Dra. we dragged ourselves into the office, apprehensive to see her for the first time after our hospital discharge. She immediately asked how I was, how we were. She considerately asked if everything was okay on my part. I forced a smile and just said, "No." She couldn't say anything more but "I understand."

When she did an examination she said that I am healing really well "physically." That my stitches are beautiful and well taken care of. I am healthy. Everything is technically in order. Thanks to my dedicated nurse, Jhon.

But not everything is okay. After she finished giving us further prescriptions, she asked if there is anything more she can do for us, if not, she will see us in a month. I could not stop myself from speaking up and started to ask her questions. More questions that have been hanging in my head for weeks. I asked her why this could've happened to our son when my best friend from New York had the same experience and she and her baby got through it. I told her that I believe she did everything by the book, I researched on it. I trusted her decisions. I just needed to hear what her assumptions were on why my baby did not survive his battle. Why did that happen to him? I am still looking for answers why.

She could only assume based on the information provided by the neo-natal pediatrician. I asked her if it was possible for our Marcus to have survived it even if one of his lungs collapsed. She said, "Yes if they got to remove the air from his lung."

"They did surgery on him. They also gave him manual CPR. But he wasn't responding to treatment Dra. Corpus said. He was slowly deteriorating," Jhon contributed.

"There are a few factors. One is the development of his lungs as I mentioned to you before. Another could be infection, pneumonia, although we were giving you antibiotics. I was really surprised when he started to have complications. When I delivered him, he was pink not blue, he was healthy, you heard him cry. When I visited him at the nursery he was doing well. The only contraption on him was the oxygen mask," she explained with a heavy heart.

All I could think of was 'Why?' Why my little baby boy? Did we do everything we can to save him? I can't help but blame myself. That night still seems like a blur to me. I am still confused. Everything happened so fast. I did not know what was going on. When they brought me to the nursery I was not sure if Marcus was still alive. Was he fighting for his life? Was there still hope? What else could I have done for him? Did I choose the best doctor for him? Should I have told the doctor not to give up? Should I have told the nurse not to stop pumping his oxygen? Should I have whispered to Marcus "fight" instead of saying goodbye? Should I have held him longer in my arms so he could've felt my warmth, and maybe, he would've responded? I would've given my life for him. If only I could turn back time!

Didn't we pray enough for God to grant us a miracle?

I still can't accept the fact that he is gone. I can't fool myself and say that I am okay. My heart is so broken. My soul is crushed. I still do not want to move on! I find refuge in the pain. I cannot move on... I miss him so much! I should be breast feeding him now, carrying him in my arms. Oh just to hear him cry. I will never forget his beautiful, angelic voice... Very soft, very gentle. And what I would give just to see him open his eyes and see him look at me. To see the color of his eyes...

Mama misses you terribly, my baby Marcus! Tears never stop...

Mornings

Every morning Jhon wakes up a few minutes ahead of me. He gets up and goes straight to our darling Marcus' sanctuary. It doesn't fail, I hear him say, "Good morning baby!" His voice bleak yet faintly happy. Then he lights his candle and Papa Jaime's as well. It breaks my heart every time. He sounds like he is talking to our baby, just sleeping in his crib. Oh what could've been.

This has become our daily routine. This is how we cope. We watch his video everyday, we listen to his music. It gives us comfort.

At night before turning in, we let Marcus' candle die down. Then Jhon switches on his lamp and we say goodnight to our baby.

I miss our little Angel so much it hurts. It's one of those days. My heart feels extra heavy. I eat because I need to but the food is tasteless. The only thing we seem to have appetite for is sweets. Chemical imbalance is what Jhon and I call it.

Oh our baby Marcus...

Day 7 Mass Offering - Love Happens

We heard mass this afternoon for little Angel Marcus' 7th day. The chapel's sacristan has started to remember us and our daily blessing requests from the priest for dear Marcus. We will not forget to thank him on Marcus' 9th day of novena.

We have gotten used to finding comfort in hearing Holy Mass everyday. Jhon and I promised to hear mass as often as we can, when I am fully recovered, even after Marcus' 40th day. This will be our personal vow to God and proudly another testament to our Marcus' magic.

After dinner with Mama, Ate Belle, Ate Mache, Mica, Bea, Cielo, Daniela, and Miguel, and together with Rhoda, Suzette, and DeeDee, we all headed to the theaters to watch a movie. Ate Belle a few days ago convinced Jhon and I to watch "Love Happens." She mentioned that the movie is not mostly a love story but more about coping with the loss of a loved one. She pushed that it will be helpful for us, so we agreed.

We could not help but relive the loss of our Marcus throughout the movie. Jhon and I could not let go of each other's hands, we just kept on squeezing each other at every scene. The tears would not stop. It has only been 11 days since we lost our angel Marcus. The wounds are as fresh as day one.

This reminded me of a quote from a person who posted a comment in You Tube about grieving. It said, "Just because I smile doesn't mean I'm happy... because it takes a smile to cover a thousand tears..."

Though Ate Belle was right. The movie did help us. It reminded us that, in time, we will eventually heal. That it is okay to grieve and that we are not alone in this trial we are going through.

Jhon and I have been looking for a movie that can help us with our healing. A movie that will constantly bring to mind that we are not alone. That God did not micromanage the loss of our dear son Marcus. This movie is it.

Thank you Ate Belle for again helping us remember that we can get through this, and that we will eventually get through this... but not just yet.

Day 4 (continued)

Day 4, it seems more and more difficult to cope with our son Marcus' passing. I feel exactly as I did yesterday when it felt like I was struggling to do anything. Yet, my thoughts about Marcus, gives me strength and carries me through the day, and what I need to do for Jet and I. Not so much for me, but more for my Jet, she needs me to be strong for the both of us.

I've been wanting to write my thoughts for quite some time now, may it be on the computer or on paper. I haven't gotten to it till today. Why, it's because I don't want to do anything but to daydream about our little angel. I often ask myself, "Why should I keep my thoughts and feelings cooped up inside when I can share them with Jet?" I fear I may forget how I was feeling or forget what my thoughts were as each day passes. Therefore, today is when I begin to be more open about my thoughts and feelings.

My tears have subsided but the pain is still there. Often I have visions of "what may have been." It makes me smile and at the same time makes me terribly sad with the thought of how our little family could've been sharing great times together.

A few days ago, I saw a comment on Facebook from people I don't know. They were talking about kids. One person posted a comment saying something like, "As long as you're not on diaper duty dude." I immediately wanted to say, "I'd give anything to be given the chance to go on diaper duty for our little Marcus." It saddens me that some people take little moments with their child for granted. There are parents out there who would give their life for such precious moments, even as simple as changing a baby's diaper.

The passing of our son gave me so many realizations in my life. I realized and truly understand that God is now in control of my life. I offer my pain and suffering to Him because I believe that He is a kind God and He knows what's best for me. I realized even more that my love for Jet knows no boundaries. I realized that no matter how difficult I have been as a partner, a friend, a brother, and a son - Jet, my family and friends are always there for me no matter what. I will no longer take any of them for granted. I also realized that I have such a loving and caring second family in the Torres'. They continue to be there and love me unconditionally just like my own family. I truly am blessed.

Our Little Angel Marcus is truly heaven sent. His love is so great that he makes me a better person everyday. He makes me remember who I have around me and not to take them for granted. With his memory in my heart and mind always, I am a better person.

I love you my son! I miss you!...

Papa

A Letter to Little Marcus from Papa

This letter was lovingly written by Papa Jhon the day after we lost our baby Marcus.

"We have to say something at the service," I said. "Marcus is too special, we have to share him to everybody."

"Of course! I'll try to write something okay? I'll do my best to put it into words... it's just too hard right now."

With tremendous grief still very fresh in our hearts, he typed each word with a bittersweet memory, while in the hospital nursing me to recovery.

We wanted both to share our story with Marcus to everybody. A message for everybody get to know our little angel a bit more; the beauty that he scattered around us during our seven months together.

Ultimately, I still could not muster the strength to render my feelings into words. So Jhon, ever our protector and head of our little family, pulled through for the both of us. The pride we have for our Marcus is too strong not to be announced to the world... even for just a few minutes, with a few hundred words.

A letter of a father to his infant child:

Our Dearest Marcus Baby, 

Growing up there has never been any doubt that I am happiest when I am around children and most especially babies. I can never seem to get enough of them. I guess I’m either just a big kid or there is something about children that is so magical and the love that they give is so pure. 

I have been so fortunate to be surrounded by my wonderful niece in the States as well as the 10 Torres kids all whom I love so dearly. Often I daydream how it would be like for Jet and I to have our own. 

Seven months ago, the greatest gift from God came to us, you, our Marcus. The first time we found out we were pregnant with you, I immediately felt like I was on top of the world! There was a mixed feeling of nervousness and excitement, but mostly pure joy. 

As Jet and I shared the good news to family and friends, all we could think about is how loved you will be. Everyone was so excited to hear the good news. Neither of your Titos and Titas could wait to see you. Our friends we’re so excited for your Mama and I. I remember telling you, “Marcus, you have a lot of crazy godfathers, but they are great. Once they take you out to the “go-go bars” you make sure I’m coming along." Your Titos and Titas would’ve spoilt you rotten. 

Seven magical months, you were with us. It was pure joy and happiness. We were planning our lives around you. We wanted everything perfect for you. We immediately knew you were going to be special. You were very active and responded every time we would talk or touch you on your Mama’s tummy. 

At the doctor’s, you were fast becoming popular with the nurses, residents, and interns. You were playful and often would show yourself briefly before running away as they poked you with the ultrasound. When we found out you were a boy, the doctor immediately said, “Oh he’s definitely a boy, look at his scrotum, he has a big one!” I immediately said, “Thank you, may namana sakin.” 

On February 5, 2010, 8:57am, you arrived. Tita Belle and Grandma were there to calm me down. Tita Belle brought me a huge cup of coffee, yet I couldn’t contain my nerves, for all I wished was for your Mama and you to be 100%. 

At the O.R., your Mama was able to see and hear you cry. After a few hours, I saw you, Marcus, you were so beautiful. I spoke to you and you responded with a kick. I put my ear near your incubator and heard your wonderful angelic voice. I saw you a few more times after, the doctor even had to kick me out. 

After a few more hours your Mama was wheeled to our room. There we waited anxiously for you. We were so nervous because we didn’t have your things ready. Tita Belle, went out to buy you a gift and was so excited to get your clothes and the things you needed for your arrival. At night, Tita Mache, Ate Mica, Ate Bea, Ate Cielo, and Ate Daniela with Tita Rhoda came to visit. Ate Cielo bought you a stuffed giraffe. We were all so happy and very excited to see you. 

Then the terrible news came. The doctor called me into the nursery as she told me you were having complications. You fought bravely to breathe, my love. Never had I imagined that after twelve hours you would be taken from us. Our world came crumbling down. We held you in our arms, kissed you, held your perfect hand, your perfect feet, and your perfect head as you faded. The pain is indescribable; I don’t think we will ever heal from losing you. 

All through out my life, I was just an average person but there was one thing I knew I would be great at and that was to be your father. I imagined myself protecting you, guiding you, playing with you, and most of loving you with all my heart. You are very special and it pains me that we won’t be given the chance to share you to the world. I’m sorry my Baby, I’m sorry I won’t be able to be the father I always wanted to be for you. 

How do we move on without you my son? When will we see you again? We miss you terribly! We don’t want to let you go, but we have to, for you to be able to be at peace in Heaven. We know your light will always shine upon us. Your memory will live with us forever. You can rest now, no more pain my love. 

Thank you for seven wonderful months, thank you for coming to us, thank you for fighting and holding on as long as you could to share a few precious moments with your Mama and I. THANK YOU!!! 

I promise to take good care of your Mama. Till we meet again my son! I love you! Rest In Peace, you are in God’s care! 

Papa