A Mark of Power and Strength

Reading through a blog entry of Rebecca, a recent babyloss mother, I am refreshed by a quote she shared that was also contributed to her by a fellow blogger. To me, it spoke exactly of how Jhon and I feel about our sorrow.

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief... and unspeakable love.” - Washington Irving

Need I say more?

Be Happy, Be Free

"Be who you are and say what you feel, 

because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

- Dr. Seuss

2 Loves, 2 Losses

30 days ago we lost our son, baby Marcus. 4 years ago we lost our father, Papa Jaime. Yesterday, March 6, the family gathered at Heritage Park to remember the greatness that was Papa Jaime.

The loss of our Papa is still very much felt within. Going on his 4th year, it was just starting to become easier getting by without him. But now I grieve for the loss of 2 loves.

When I lost Papa, I thought that was the hardest and most painful experience I ever had to go through in life. I thought wrong. Losing our darling Marcus is more heartbreaking than ever.

"When a parent dies we lose a piece of our past but when a child dies we lose a piece of our future." - Fathers Feel Too by Andrew Don

Fr. Santos, the priest at Marcus's memorial service was specially requested by our Mama to celebrate Holy Mass for Papa. We feel a certain connection with Fr. Santos. He was the one who anointed baby Marcus and the one who baptized him that fateful night. With him having witnessed our plight, we feel that he relates directly to how we feel and what we are going through.

He asked immediately after seeing us, "How are you?"

The last time we saw him was during Marcus' memorial service. There was comfort in seeing him again. We have been wanting to seek spiritual advice and guidance from him.

I told him that he might have mistaken us for another couple when Jhon called him for an invitation a few days ago.

"No, of course not, I always remember you. I can't forget the two of you," he assured. "I have been waiting for your call actually. I forgot to get your contact nos. before. I wanted to check up on how you two are doing. But I prayed for you everyday."

I mentioned how difficult it is for me to realize that I am now grieving the loss of 2 people I love dearly. He was out of words. All he can say was to always pray and remember the good times we shared with Papa, and that our baby Marcus is now our angel in heaven.

We plan to visit Fr. Santos soon and sit down with him. It would be refreshing to hear advice from the perspective of an apostle of God. He is a missionary priest who left his home, India, to serve the Filipinos, 15 years and running. For Jhon and I, he is untarnished. His spiritual wisdom will truly help ease our hearts from desolation.

We do our best to cope each day. One of the things that help us get by is the confidence that our little one, Marcus, is now resting in peace in heaven - and that Papa is there with him.

Day 7 Mass Offering - Love Happens

We heard mass this afternoon for little Angel Marcus' 7th day. The chapel's sacristan has started to remember us and our daily blessing requests from the priest for dear Marcus. We will not forget to thank him on Marcus' 9th day of novena.

We have gotten used to finding comfort in hearing Holy Mass everyday. Jhon and I promised to hear mass as often as we can, when I am fully recovered, even after Marcus' 40th day. This will be our personal vow to God and proudly another testament to our Marcus' magic.

After dinner with Mama, Ate Belle, Ate Mache, Mica, Bea, Cielo, Daniela, and Miguel, and together with Rhoda, Suzette, and DeeDee, we all headed to the theaters to watch a movie. Ate Belle a few days ago convinced Jhon and I to watch "Love Happens." She mentioned that the movie is not mostly a love story but more about coping with the loss of a loved one. She pushed that it will be helpful for us, so we agreed.

We could not help but relive the loss of our Marcus throughout the movie. Jhon and I could not let go of each other's hands, we just kept on squeezing each other at every scene. The tears would not stop. It has only been 11 days since we lost our angel Marcus. The wounds are as fresh as day one.

This reminded me of a quote from a person who posted a comment in You Tube about grieving. It said, "Just because I smile doesn't mean I'm happy... because it takes a smile to cover a thousand tears..."

Though Ate Belle was right. The movie did help us. It reminded us that, in time, we will eventually heal. That it is okay to grieve and that we are not alone in this trial we are going through.

Jhon and I have been looking for a movie that can help us with our healing. A movie that will constantly bring to mind that we are not alone. That God did not micromanage the loss of our dear son Marcus. This movie is it.

Thank you Ate Belle for again helping us remember that we can get through this, and that we will eventually get through this... but not just yet.

Ate Mache's Love

We are truly blessed to have such a loving and supportive family... especially now during this very trying moment in Jhon and I's lives. I cannot help but thank our little Marcus for the love that envelopes us... his magnificent gift of bringing out the best in people and the unconditional love our loved ones show for each other.

Looking back to when we told Ate Mache about the good news of Marcus last October 2009, we remember how confidently happy she was for us even saying, "I knew it, I kinda had a feeling. No wonder you were gaining weight!" She was the first one we told in the family. There was no doubt in our minds that she and Ate Belle would be ecstatic. The two Ninangs that we planned to be, and in our hearts, the true Ninangs of our dear son Marcus.

When Jhon and I decided to conduct a service for our baby Marcus, still confined at the hospital just one day after the loss of our son, I asked my dear sister Ate Mache, to make a video presentation of our Angel using the song "Gone Too Soon." Despite her busy schedule, without question, she willingly complied.

The day we got discharged from the hospital, Ate Mache was the one who went straight to Heritage Park to ensure that little Marcus will be ready for us to view when we see our son once again. She also took care of all the arrangements for the service.

February 9, during our little Angel Marcus' service, Ate Mache's message was immensely heartwarming. She spoke extemporaneously and relived the night we lost baby Marcus. We knew how hard it was for her. We remember how she went back and forth, from me at our room, to Jhon at the neonatal nursery to make sure we were okay. We can't even start to conceive how Jhon and I would've handled the tragic news if Ate Mache was not there with us. Like she said, "Being a mother of 4 daughters, I can imagine how difficult it was for Jhon and Jet."

What amazed us the most was when she accompanied little Marcus to Heritage Park at around 1 a.m. to make sure everything was in place and baby Marcus was safe. She could not summon herself to leave him and stayed till 6 a.m. telling Jhon the next day, "Hindi ko siya maiwan. He looks like he was just sleeping."

Watching the video brings tears to our eyes. Ate Mache could not have done a better job... Marcus' pictures are perfect, the beautiful words about an angel, it truly defines how our baby Marcus is.

The meaning of an “angel” is the confirmation of God and His celestial power…

Likewise, an angel is a blessed being who has severed all ties with this nether world…

Has been released from the chains of self and the desires of flesh…

And anchored his heart to the heavenly realms of the Lord…

Thank you Ate Mache for the love. Thank you for helping us share Marcus' memory to everybody through this video presentation. You stayed up till 12 a.m. with Alain and Gina to make certain the AVP was done in time for the service. Thank you to Alain for extending his photo editing skills to Ate Mache. Marcus' pictures are beautiful... he is so handsome. Thank you!

Below, see Ate Mache's love:

THANK YOU ATE MACHE, WE LOVE YOU! LITTLE ANGEL MARCUS LOVES YOU!