On Your 5th Birthday, My Love

My dear Baby Marcus,

Happy, Happy Birthday my Love! You would’ve been 5 years old now. How time flies. Your Papa and I were counting today, “Has it really been 5 years?” I can only imagine how big and handsome you would be by now. But as God wanted it, you will be our forever baby, our angel baby in Heaven. 

Today, your Papa and I, together with Lola Talula of course, and Tita Belle, Ate Mica, and Kuya Miguel, heard Holy Mass for you. We had the priest bless you and he asked how old you would have been today. Then he asked if your Papa and I are planning to have another baby. I just told him, “Someday, maybe, soon.”

How are you, my love? Your Papa and I miss you terribly - most especially today. You know, we try to live our lives “normally” each day but today, we could not help but cry and mourn your loss once again. I looked through your blog tonight and it brought out memories of the time we lost you, my love. The pain is as fresh as it was 5 years ago. Your Papa and I shed helpless tears as we were transported back to the painful moments. Reading love notes from your cousins and Tita Belle, and most especially, the love letter your Papa wrote for you. It was all too much for us not to cry.

Every year, I write you a love note, aside from the nightly conversations I have with you. And every year, I try to make it a point that the letter I write you show that your Papa and I are getting better… each year. And I am happy to report that we are holding up well, my love. Thanks to the strong support we have from our family. And thanks to the wonderful one year we spent in Paris, your Papa and I have found our true passion. This keeps us happily busy. And everything that we have accomplished and continue to accomplish is because you are our inspiration, our muse.

---

Papa and I had a conversation just a few days ago. I asked him that if ever we are not blessed with another child, will he be okay with it? Your Papa - the ever gentle-hearted and understanding person that he is - said that it will be okay with him of course, but he also said that we should still give it a try. Whatever God wills, we will accept. 

I have to admit, my love, that after browsing through your blog tonight, I am again hopeful that, maybe, we will be blessed with another baby. You have given us so much love and so much joy that I want to experience that again. The fear has gone away. 

So on your birthday, my dear angel Marcus, you have blessed me again with hope and courage. Your light continues to shine on us… thank you, my baby Marcus. Thank you for always watching over Mama and Papa and the rest of our family.

I love you very much, my dear baby!!!

Always,

P.S.

I am sure you enjoyed the birthday celebration your Titas, Titos, Lola and Lolo, and sweetie Carine have done for you today. I am sure you loved the Happy Birthday song that Carine sang for you. They love you very much and I am sure you are always watching over them.

My Baby Boy's 5th Birthday

On Marcus' 5th birthday we remember the Happiness we all have as we celebrate his short but very meaningful life. Yet, the day after we are gripped by the same sadness on the day of his passing. That's because we miss him dearly and that will never change.

We have moved on but we will never forget the day he arrived and the day he had to leave. Our tears bear both grief but mostly Joy, because we feel extremely blessed to have Marcus in our hearts. Jet and I are forever grateful to our family and friends who continue to remember the day our precious angel came to us.

Thank you baby Marcus for always reminding us the gift of love. Happy Birthday! We Love you always!

On Marcus' 4th Birthday

I slept early last night excited in anticipation to celebrate your 4^th birthday as your Mama, Lola, and I have the day all planned out for your special day.

Your Grandma Zenny, Tita Regina, Tito Suki, and your cousin baby Carine started off celebrations by buying you a chocolate cake and released balloons all for you. Later today in the U.S., Tita Sherry and Ate Lexi will be doing the same.

We feel the love of everyone as they remember you, our son.

Yet, I ache because we would’ve loved to see you blow your birthday candle and see you growing up. I imagine you my baby and at times seeing you as a toddler at this age. I could hear you speak, see you growing up handsomely looking like Mama, and most especially a well behaved baby that you are.

I feel so blessed, because I see you everyday. I see you in your Mama, sometimes I stare at her telling myself how much I love her and at the same how you look exactly like her. As much I debate with your Mama, there’s no denying that you are junior Mama. This makes me very happy. I get to look at your Mama and see you at the same time everyday.

I can’t help the tears from falling. We miss you always, and as we celebrate this day every year, I remember it so vividly as it were yesterday. Your mama and I are the proudest parents and the day you came to us is and still the happiest day of our lives.

I wish most of the time that I could hold and play with you just for a moment, even in my dreams. One day I know we will all be together for eternity. For the time being we will live our lives to the fullest always keeping you our hearts and minds. The gift that is you and how you changed our lives… forever.

You Would've Been 4 Years Old Today

Hello my love,

Happy Birthday!

I fell asleep last night thinking and praying for you, eagerly anticipating your special day. You would've been 4 years old now. I am missing you painfully that I could only think of one special post on Instagram to announce your birthday...

Nothing is more befitting (for me) of how I am feeling today. To hug and kiss you just one more time...

Your Papa and I are playing special songs dedicated for you today. I made you a special "happy" playlist and the music harps our apartment today.

As I Lay Me Down To Sleep

Awake

February Song

Clouds

I'll Remember

Kahit Isang Saglit

I Will Be Here

We lit candles with your Prayer Card displayed in our living room. And today, I will miss my cours pratique because we will celebrate your special birthday. I cannot go to class on your birthday. Not today. 

We will go to church and hear mass for you, light candles, and pray The Divine Mercy. Then we will buy you a beautiful and yummy Opera cake from the patisserie that invented it! And of course, your flowers. I'm excited to see what I will find at the flower shop for you today :)

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We are so blessed to wake up this morning and receive the sweetest gift - for you! Your Grandma Zenny, Tita Regina, Tito Suki, and Carine baby celebrated your birthday with you :) :)

Needless to say, your Papa and I were in tears. It's so special, right?! Thank you so much for all the love!

Baby Carine blew the birthday candle for you, and they released balloons to keep with our yearly tradition "to reach you" in heaven.

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We are off in a while to celebrate your birthday in Paris - a first :) Papa looks so handsome and wore a polo with your baby blue color. He dressed up to the nines for you, honey :)

I will post photos of our day, I promise. I know you are with us today, my angel, and are celebrating with us. (How do I hold back tears when I am missing you so much?!)

Je t'aime, my baby Marcus (love, love, love)

Here's the photo update of your birthday celebration in Paris, my love...

This is the pamphlet we kept as a souvenir from the church in rue de Vaugirard where we prayed the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy for you.

Papa Jhon so excited and happy to catch Dalloyau still open for us to buy your birthday cake. It was a very cold and windy afternoon, yet we braved the long walk because it is your birthday :)

After having dinner at a Korean restaurant, we were very lucky to catch a flower shop still open after 9 p.m. to buy your very special white roses. The owner was an old man who was very sweet and very accommodating to us.

Together with your birthday cake, we also bought some macarons to try out for "research" :)

Your birthday cake :) We chose the Opera because Dalloyau is the pastry shop that created this very popular French cake. Only the best for our baby boy. It was very good!

When we got home, I arranged your roses in a vase, lit a candle, and placed your prayer card together with your birthday gifts. Lola Talula knew that it was your birthday too!

Look how beautiful your roses are blooming the next day! This year I chose this gorgeous color together with your white ones. Paris has the best and freshest roses we've seen! Every time I see a rose, I always remember you, my love...

Happy 3rd Birthday, My Marcus

My Dear Baby Marcus,

I do not want February to pass without posting in your blog. It has become a tradition that every year, on your birthday, I write you a love note. Another year have passed again, my love, and there we were, your Papa and I, remembering your very special day. You would've been 3 years old now, my love. To celebrate your birthday, we heard Mass at the chapel and had you blessed by Fr. Carlo which is the most important thing. With your birthday falling on a Tuesday, we decided not to hold a gathering for everyone was busy and your cousins had school. It was simple yet always a very memorable day for me and your Papa. After dinner, we passed by the flower shop to buy you your very special roses. I chose the combination of white and pink this time - I'm sure you loved it, right my baby? Aren't they beautiful?

And I know you are extra happy this year because God has given us another blessing! It was meant to be, my love, just a few days before your birthday we found out that we were pregnant. A miracle happened again, my baby! Thank you for always amazing Mama and Papa and always watching over us. We are so blessed to have a very special little angel up in heaven.

I still think about you everyday, my Marcus. Every happy moment I experience I attribute to you. And when I am sad, I just think of you, then I am okay. Mama will never forget you, my baby, and you will forever be in my heart. My little angel.

I love you forever,

Thank You My Baby Boy

My Dear Baby Marcus,

As your birthday nears, my love, I couldn't help but to check your blog once again. I know haven't done that for a while but coping with the bustle of daily life takes much of my time.

With this entry though, as your birthday nears, I would like to thank you, my love, for the gifts you gave Mama. During special occasions you never fail to "say hello" and greet Mama through your very special ways.

Now that I made time to post it, I would like to brag about your sweet gifts to me, my baby.

The dragonfly has always been very special to me. They say a dragonfly is a symbolism of a child that passed. Since then I've always had some kind of fondness to it. 

And as sweet as you are, you knew what gift to send for me to especially realize that it came from you my baby.

Last September, as I celebrated my birthday in a beautiful resort in Boracay with Papa, you sent me your birthday gift. How can we miss it, the dragonfly was inside our bedroom! How special! Thank you, my love, for the birthday gift.

Last December close to Christmas, as Mama finished her hectic schedule for the season and the last day of work ended, you gave me again a beautiful Christmas gift.

While Mama was lazily sitting out in the balcony, physically tired and exhausted, a dragonfly flew in front of me and rested on the bamboo plant. Imagine the condo tower, 18 floors high, in the middle of the city - and out of nowhere an innocent dragonfly found itself at our balcony. I knew for sure this gift was from you. Thank you, my love, for the Christmas gift.

What else can a mother ask for? I have a beautiful angel in heaven who watches over me all the time, prays to Jesus Christ for me, whispering good words to God for me. And in special occasions, brings me gifts - saying "I love you, Mama, I am just here, I am always with you."

Thank you my baby Marcus <3

And as your birthday nears once again, I am doing my best to make it extra special. Your birthday comes but once a year, and during this day I make sure that your family (your Titos & Titas, your cousins) and close friends of Mama & Papa celebrate, remember, and pray for you as well.

I love you very much, my baby Marcus. Advance Happy Birthday, my Honey.

Always,
Mama

P.S.
I hope the red velvet cake cheesecake I am working hard to bake becomes successful. That will be your very special cake.

December

My Dear Baby Marcus,

The Christmas season is here, my love. As December 25 nears I continue to yearn for you, my baby. My arms ache to cradle you, my heart overflows with love.

Mama is feeling so much better, don't you worry about me. I am sure you know that for I talk to you everyday. Though on days like this I cannot help but express how I miss you so my baby Marcus. I picture you sometimes as you would be 9 months old now. Cute and cuddly with chubby cheeks and a very handsome face.

However, I know you are with God so I am at peace. I have a visual image of you being cradled by Jesus Christ, happy and cooing. Every time I picture that I feel a smile on my face.

Baby, you will forever be in Mama's heart. I feel your love each and every day. As Christmas nears, though I miss you so, you are here with me spending the season each second with Mama. Because you are always in Mama's mind and in Mama's heart.

Mama loves baby Marcus very much!

To Papa on Father's Day... From Marcus Baby

Dear Papa Jhon,

I have been thinking for weeks on something special to do for your very first Father's Day. How can I top the special poem, gorgeous flowers, and delectable cake you gave me on my day? We both know that nothing 'just material' will be suffice. I had to be creative.

I hope you liked the animated journal made speaking from the thoughts and words of our little Marcus. I spoke to our baby the whole time, and asked him to help me write the words he would have told you.

I know how special our 7 months together is to you Papa. These memories we have of our baby Marcus is treasured. And I knew Marcus wanted to tell you too how much love he felt during our pregnancy.

We love you very much Papa... me, baby Marcus, and Lola. We are very blessed to have you taking care of us and loving us. Thank you for spoiling us rotten.

Jhon, you are my best friend, you are my life. You know how much I love you...

Happy Father's Day! Love love love!

To Papa on Father's Day... From Marcus Baby

www.wix.com/mamajet/from-marcus-on-papa-day-2010

We Speak This Poem

Each day I search for different sites that will help us cope with questions in our hearts. I look for people... parents who also experienced the loss of a child. I seek Bible verses that will help us get through each trying day. Just now, I stumbled upon a site that focuses on bereavement. What a beautiful site. It had a tab especially for babies, which included preemie bereavement gowns just like the baptismal gown our little Marcus wore at his service. It also had a poem, a bereavement verse for loss of a child.

This poem touched me so deeply, I immediately had Jhon read it. Jhon and I share the same thoughts... it's like the author opened our hearts and wrote down our feelings for us. Verbatim, these are the words we want to convey about the loss of our son, Marcus.

God, Take This Child...

by Nancy Scott

Sweet child whom we never really got to know,

It's hard for us to let you go.

We waited and we wanted you.

We had so many dreams for you.

We think of smiles we'll never see.

We think of events that will never be.

There will be no first steps and no first teeth.

There is only a void and our own grief.

We planned to take you to places far and near.

We yearned to keep you safe and free from fear.

We hoped to show you much of the new world.

We wanted to teach you as your life unfurled.

It's hard to understand why you, our baby, died.

We feel so numb right now, many tears we've cried.

We have so many questions and no answers seem to come.

We tried so hard to save you; nothing could be done.

God, we stand before you broken-hearted

and ask you to heal these lives that must be parted

from this little one we can no longer hold,

who will always be part of us, even when we're old.

God, take this child in your loving arms.

No more can he suffer any harm.

Bless him always and bless us too.

Be with us and help us make it through.

We love you, our little Angel Marcus. We miss you so much.

Day 9 Mass Offering - Blessing of Baby Marcus' Sanctuary

We are relieved. This afternoon was our baby Marcus' 9th day of novena/mass offering... we celebrated Holy Mass at our place to make sure our little angel's sanctuary was properly blessed. Jhon and I are touched that our Mama, Kuya Ken and Joanne, Ate Mache, Ate Belle, Mica, Bea, Cielo, Daniela, and Miguel were able to join us. Tita Marissa and Suzette together Rose and her daughter came as well. They all got to see our 'dedication of love' for our little darling.

Fr. Gener, was one of the priests who celebrated mass and blessed our Marcus during his 8 days at the chapel. We particularly loved his homily and the sincerity of his personal prayer for our baby when he was blessed. He even kissed our baby's urn twice upon blessing him. He found our baby's story to be deeply emotional. Jhon and I knew right there that we wanted him to hold our little angel's 9th day Holy Mass and blessing. And we were fortunate enough Fr. obliged us with a few hours of his time for our dear baby Marcus.

During the mass, Fr. read his very special homily for little angel Marcus. What he wrote brought tears to my eyes yet comfort in my heart that God is there... and that our little angel is safe in His arms in heaven. Thank you Fr. Gener, we are truly grateful. Thank you for making our baby's 9th day extra special.

Homily on the occasion of Marcus Jaime's 9th day:

During the last week as each of us considered the untimely death of baby Marcus Jaime our hearts have been full of questions - chief amongst them being "how did this happen?" and "why did this happen?" These questions have not only been in the hearts and minds of Jhon and Marjorie and their families, but upon the lips of many of you who are here today.

We are not her today to answer these questions - even if we could. Rather we are here to mourn - to mourn and to commend Marcus Jaime into God's care, and to ask God to help us - and most especially help Jhon and Marjorie through their grief.

In the most beautiful of gardens, even those tended by the most skillful of botanists, there is an occasional rose that buds, but never opens. In all respects the rose is like all the others, but something keeps it from blooming. It fades away - or disappears - without having reached maturity.

What happens in nature's garden happens once in a while also in the garden of God's human family. A baby is born, beautiful, precious, but fails to come to its rightful unfolding. This child, like the bud that never fully opens, is gathered back into God's heavenly garden of souls.

Today we mourn our loss of a child. You weep, just as Jesus himself wept at the death of his friend Lazarus. Even if we knew the answers to the questions that rise so naturally to our hearts and minds at times like this, there still would be no adequate explanation for this loss. It is painful.

There are angels above. Angels who watch over the little ones of this earth. Jesus speaks of them when he tells his disciples to be careful not to think less of little children simply because they are little children, for in heaven, he says, their angels continually see the face of the Father in heaven.

There is a special place in the heart of God and amongst the angels for the little ones of this world just as there is a special place in our hearts today for Marcus Jaime.

And so we weep at what has happened. And so too - God weeps with us.

What can be said that might ease the pain, the grief that you - and all of us feel today?

There isn't much we can say that will help. We can express our sympathy and sorrow. We can offer words of love, care and concern. We can say we will pray for you. But other than that we don't know what to say about these things.

It is important to know that God is for you. God did not do this to you. God did not will Marcus Jaime's death or your pain. But God is with you in the midst of it all and will help you through it. God is for you. What is more, God gave up his own son for us all.

Jhon and Marjorie, God understands your pain. God had a son who died also. Jesus died on the cross for us.

Now you may think, "Sure, but Jesus rose from the dead." Well, because Jesus rose to new life you can be confident that Marcus Jaime has new life also, one that can never be snatched away from him - or from you.

Today - in your grief - know - that there is another angel in heaven whose name is Marcus Jaime. Cling to that hope - that promise of our God - and allow your tears to wash away the pain in the days and months to come.

Thank you our dear family, for again being there for us. We are definitely blessed to have you in our lives. We couldn't do this without you. Thank you!

Unconditional Love of a Sister, an Aunt

Ate Belle... my dearest older sister who, ever since the announcement of Jhon and I's pregnancy, have been the most thrilled and most vocal of her excitement. Since day one, we never felt anything but unconditional love and support from her. We will never forget the night by the Rockwell Christmas tree, when she greeted us with the tightest and longest hug. Even without saying a single word, she made it known that she loved us and that she was very happy for us. We all had happy tears. She made the journey for us nervous soon-to-be parents smooth-sailing and so much more fruitful.

Jhon and Ate Belle's Miguelito are very close. Jhon feels a deep connection towards him... he feels he needs to fill that void in Miguel. He remembers the day he told our nephew Miguel, that we were going to have a baby. It was the end of November 2009 while helping our Mama arrange Christmas decorations in Greenhills, Jhon carried Miguel, sat him on his lap and announced the good news. "Miguel, I'm going to tell you something. It's good news! You are going to be Kuya soon!"

His eyes lit up while at the same time still trying to comprehend the whole situation. "Tita Jet and I are going to have a baby," Jhon continued.

Still very fresh in Jhon's mind, he recalls how excited Miguel was to tell his cousins. "Can I tell Ate Cielo and Daniela?"

These bittersweet memories will live forever in our hearts. The beauty and joy little Angel Marcus brought to all of us is magical.

Here below is a letter from a loving sister, a loving aunt, sharing her joys and pains in losing a nephew... a son. When I asked Ate Belle to say something with Ate Mache for little Marcus at his service, she simply said still very much distraught, "Hindi ko yata kaya."

I understood from there that her aching heart won't be able to muster the pain. But the next day I was deeply touched when the event coordinator revealed during the service, "... their sister Belle will say something." I thought maybe she made a mistake.

Ate Belle is an orchestrator, she works very well behind the scenes. The main reason why baby Marcus' service turned out to be beautiful. That's her gift. But that day, the day we laid our little Angel Marcus to rest, she spoke in front of everybody and proclaimed her love for him.

Until now, going through her letter again and again, we can't help but shed a thousand tears. We cry because we feel how much she loves us. We cry because we feel how much she loves our darling Marcus.

Thank you Ate Belle, we are forever grateful! Thank you for letting us document your letter to the world.

Ate Belle's love:

A child is a gift from God. And to be asked to return the gift after a fleeting moment, is a painful process we can only imagine... And yet to Jet and Jhon, we thank you, for generously and lovingly sharing your handsome baby Marcus to us, your most precious gift. Marcus is truly a symbol of LOVE.

Looking back in October 2009, Jet and Jhon happily announced to the family the joy of being blessed to be parents. Anticipating Marcus’ arrival in April brought so much excitement to the whole family. Marcus was the answer to our long wait to have another precious baby in the family... a baby to smother, kiss, cuddle, pinch, pamper, adore and love. His coming arrival brought so much joy not only to first time parents Jet and Jhon, but to the whole family. For the eager and overly excited kids in the family who couldn’t wait for Marcus to come out, for them it means more than a new cousin, but more like anticipating the arrival of a new brother. And to us, titas and titos, it’s having more than a new nephew but another son in our growing families. And for Grandma Myrna, the bliss of having another precious gift to spoil and love unconditionally...

However, God had a different plan for Marcus. He was first asked by the Lord to leave, as we are left here to grieve. But your short, fleeting moment with us Marcus will forever leave an imprint in our lives. And though our arms are empty, in our hearts is where you will forever be.

Tita Belle is honoured to be your Ninang, as I witnessed Fr. Santos baptize you as you gave your last breath in the arms of your most loving Mama and your deeply bereaved Papa. That moment will be forever etched in my memory and it has forever changed me. You Marcus, have been given to us by God to always remember that LOVE truly is the greatest gift. The love and joy you gave to your parents, the immeasurable, unconditional love of your Mama and Papa for you, and the most special and unique way you have showed your angelic presence in our family. You are our angel of LOVE Marcus, and as Kuya Miguel said, picturing a cute cherub in his mind, he is now our family’s cupid. Your short stay with us Marcus, is a priceless gift.

Quoting our Kuya Ken, “Jet and Jhon, we can’t find the right words to say at this very sad, heartbreaking moment...” Truly, what do you say to such great loss?

We feel the loss of Marcus but we can only imagine the void in your hearts with the loss of your son.

We comfort ourselves with the fact that the short life of Marcus, and Jet and Jhon’s love for their beloved son and unwavering love for each other, has taught us again, the precious gift of life, the invaluable support for family, a parent’s love beyond compare, and the loving embrace and presence of God at our most difficult moment. As our 7-year-old Daniela said, “...I pray dear God that what happened to Marcus, T.Jet and T. Jhon will not happen to anyone anymore...”

To Marcus, our little Jaime, who is now with Papa Jaime, we love you very much. You are our darling angel and we thank you for showing us LOVE and for teaching us to hang on to FAITH and HOPE. You’ll always be our precious baby and in our hearts, you live on, always there, never, ever gone...

To Jet and Jhon, our love and prayers are always with you. We pray that the Lord help you overcome the loss, the sorrow and the sadness. And that you strengthen your faith in the Lord and to look forward, not backward, to look up, and not down. Marcus is lucky to have wonderful, loving parents like you. We all miss Marcus but in God’s time we will all see his handsome face again, happy, smiling, with no tears, no pain, jubilant to see his family again.

Rest in peace, our little angel Marcus.

WE LOVE YOU ATE BELLE, AND LITTLE ANGEL MARCUS LOVES YOU!