Happy 3rd Birthday, My Marcus

My Dear Baby Marcus,

I do not want February to pass without posting in your blog. It has become a tradition that every year, on your birthday, I write you a love note. Another year have passed again, my love, and there we were, your Papa and I, remembering your very special day. You would've been 3 years old now, my love. To celebrate your birthday, we heard Mass at the chapel and had you blessed by Fr. Carlo which is the most important thing. With your birthday falling on a Tuesday, we decided not to hold a gathering for everyone was busy and your cousins had school. It was simple yet always a very memorable day for me and your Papa. After dinner, we passed by the flower shop to buy you your very special roses. I chose the combination of white and pink this time - I'm sure you loved it, right my baby? Aren't they beautiful?

And I know you are extra happy this year because God has given us another blessing! It was meant to be, my love, just a few days before your birthday we found out that we were pregnant. A miracle happened again, my baby! Thank you for always amazing Mama and Papa and always watching over us. We are so blessed to have a very special little angel up in heaven.

I still think about you everyday, my Marcus. Every happy moment I experience I attribute to you. And when I am sad, I just think of you, then I am okay. Mama will never forget you, my baby, and you will forever be in my heart. My little angel.

I love you forever,

Marcus' Remembrance Day 2012

At 5:30 in the afternoon, to start our little angel's commemoration day, a Holy Mass was celebrated by Fr. Maxwell. I wish I got the chance to record his homily, it was beautiful. He said that we remember and celebrate Marcus' birthday not to pray for him in hopes of him getting to heaven, but we pray for him to pray for us who are still here on earth. It is already a given that he is with God in paradise, and we pray for him - as our intercessor - up in heaven. We need him to pray for us and whisper to God for us.

Beautiful isn't it?

When the Mass ended, we prayed our special Prayer for Marcus. I printed a copy for everybody so each one of us can pray intently for our baby.

Then after the prayer, we released his signature baby blue and white balloons. These balloons included prayers of love - a quiet prayer in each of our hearts expressing our love for our baby Marcus.

30 baby blue and white balloons were released for our little angel

An intimate dinner with close family and close friends followed. Marcus' cousins (Ate Mica, Ate Elisse, Ate Bea, Ate Cielo, Kuya Miguel, Ate Daniela, Kuya Maxi, Baby Magnus) were all there to celebrate.

Side note, a beautiful story:

Before dinner started, my 10 year-old niece, Cielo, went up to me and said, "Tita Jet, I have a gift for Marcus." 

I responded with, "What is it? Is it a love note or a card?" (She loves making handmade cards and love notes) 

She said, "No... me! I'm the gift. Because I am here for his birthday!"

How sweet is that?! A heartfelt and pure sentiment from a sweet little girl. Where did her innocent thoughts come from? Did our baby boy whisper to Cielo to say those words to me? Angels were present on that day.

And what a beautiful sunset. The day was bright without a single raindrop (despite the gloomy weather forecast). From the afternoon till night time it was cool and breezy. The night was clear and bright. A beautiful Sunday.

The food: catered by The Red Chef (very patient and accommodating despite the windy night)

Dinner with my siblings - Ate Mache, Ate Belle, and Chebs who brought their family (my in-laws Lizza, David and nieces & nephews).

From left to right: Fr. Maxwell, Ate Mache, David, Ate Belle, Atty. Agnes, Atty. Blanca

Pretty nieces, the Ates - Mica, Bea, Elisse

Uncle Bonx (Chebs) with Mica

With close friends: (from left to right) Papa Jhon, Christian, Patricia, Anastacia, Mike

Same friends with Mama Jet this time

The group under the beautiful night's sky

Ferdi followed not so late that evening, as well as my bestie, Mela (who came from the airport straight from Singapore). OJ and Charlene went too. And my dear cousin Ate Dot came with her friend Chris. Grandma Myrna also sent us (via driver) her gift and a love note - she apologized that she couldn't join us.

Overall it was a gorgeous night. Jhon and I were happy that our family and friends were there for our baby Marcus.

It is a tricky (yearly) event, our baby boy's birthday. Do you celebrate a birthday? It is quite tricky asking people to celebrate with us. Here it is -- simply put, it is a remembrance. We remember the short but meaningful life of our little angel. We remember that we was here and we remember our love for him. We remember that he matters. We remember him.

Happy birthday my baby Marcus! You are very much loved :)

Happy Birthday My Love

It's your birthday my baby boy. Two years ago, you were born at exactly 8:57 a.m. at The Medical City. That was the most glorious moment of my life.

You would've been two years old now - walking, talking... and very much handsome. I see you as a very happy little boy, very well-mannered, smart, and of course, sweet as can be.

Today, Mama and Papa planned an intimate celebration with close family and close friends to remember your very special day. Mama has been planning this for a week and a half - everything is set.

At 5:00 p.m., your very special guests will arrive. At exactly 5:30 p.m. Fr. Maxwell will celebrate Holy Mass especially for you. He was the same priest who celebrated for you last year.

It's a very beautiful day today, my love. It's bright and sunny! There is a fiesta going on across the street (the feast of the Baby Jesus - how timely!), and I see it as these people celebrating your special day as well. I was very worried that it might rain today based from the weather forecast - but guess what, it's the sunniest day! I know it's all because of you, my honey, you are tight with God and I'm sure you whispered to his ear to make this day a gorgeous day. Thank you my Marcus!

I will post pictures of the event this time around. I will make sure that today will be documented.

By the way, I have a gift for you, baby. Mama is finally designing your photobook. I am hoping to finish it soon and have it printed right away. It will be very beautiful... a beautiful memory of a very beautiful angel.

So Happy Happy Birthday my Baby Marcus!

Thank you for making Mama's life complete.

Mama loves you very much! Forever and ever.

40 Days

March 17, 2010, marks the 4oth day since Marcus' passing. Though in our hearts we know he is in heaven already, we celebrate this day to formally send him up to be with God our Father and be with the rest of our loved ones, most especially his Grandpa Jaime.

We offered mass for our dear Marcus, just as my family here in the Philippines and my siblings in France and San Francisco did. Although we weren't all together during this day, our hearts and minds were ONE filled with the Love and thought of our precious little boy.

40 days... I find myself much more emotional and in deep grief whenever I think about our little boy. I feel his loss even more now compared to the past few weeks. I look at his pictures, listen to his music, and recite his prayers and my tears flow like waterfalls. I often have a hard time breathing because the combination of the pain and my asthma make it even more difficult.

After mass, we had everyone tie a small card to balloons with a prayer for Marcus and each wrote a personal note before releasing it. It read:

Oh, Little Angel

Oh, little boy, we looked forward to the day you would be born,

But alas, the Lord left us forlorn.

You didn't leave us without a fight.

You fought to stay on Earth with all your might.

You are now resting in the heavens above,

You left surrounded by your family's strong love.

Our arms are now empty, our hearts are so sad,

You will always be remembered by your mom and your dad.

So to God your tiny soul we release.

We know that your heart is at eternal peace.

It was written by Mary Tetzlaff. What a fitting tribute by a loving parent to her son. We couldn't help but borrow her words to send our darling Marcus to heaven.

When the day drew to a close, I asked Jet, "Where do we go from here?"

Jet calmly replied, "We move on."

I can sense she was trying to be strong for the both of us, because I'm at my weakest right now.

Marcus left us but he didn't leave us empty handed. Although he isn't with us physically, he filled our hearts. He left us and filled our hearts with our Love for him. He left us and filled our hearts with Love of family and friends. He left us and filled our hearts with Love for one another. A gift of love that will never be broken and that will strengthen as each day passes when we think of him, always reminding us.

I thank the Lord and Marcus, for filling my heart with love that is even greater than ever before. Love for my parents, my siblings, my sister's husbands, Alexis, the Torres family, Lola, our friends, and most especially Jet.

To my darling Marcus, I love you and your Mama more and more each day!

2 Loves, 2 Losses

30 days ago we lost our son, baby Marcus. 4 years ago we lost our father, Papa Jaime. Yesterday, March 6, the family gathered at Heritage Park to remember the greatness that was Papa Jaime.

The loss of our Papa is still very much felt within. Going on his 4th year, it was just starting to become easier getting by without him. But now I grieve for the loss of 2 loves.

When I lost Papa, I thought that was the hardest and most painful experience I ever had to go through in life. I thought wrong. Losing our darling Marcus is more heartbreaking than ever.

"When a parent dies we lose a piece of our past but when a child dies we lose a piece of our future." - Fathers Feel Too by Andrew Don

Fr. Santos, the priest at Marcus's memorial service was specially requested by our Mama to celebrate Holy Mass for Papa. We feel a certain connection with Fr. Santos. He was the one who anointed baby Marcus and the one who baptized him that fateful night. With him having witnessed our plight, we feel that he relates directly to how we feel and what we are going through.

He asked immediately after seeing us, "How are you?"

The last time we saw him was during Marcus' memorial service. There was comfort in seeing him again. We have been wanting to seek spiritual advice and guidance from him.

I told him that he might have mistaken us for another couple when Jhon called him for an invitation a few days ago.

"No, of course not, I always remember you. I can't forget the two of you," he assured. "I have been waiting for your call actually. I forgot to get your contact nos. before. I wanted to check up on how you two are doing. But I prayed for you everyday."

I mentioned how difficult it is for me to realize that I am now grieving the loss of 2 people I love dearly. He was out of words. All he can say was to always pray and remember the good times we shared with Papa, and that our baby Marcus is now our angel in heaven.

We plan to visit Fr. Santos soon and sit down with him. It would be refreshing to hear advice from the perspective of an apostle of God. He is a missionary priest who left his home, India, to serve the Filipinos, 15 years and running. For Jhon and I, he is untarnished. His spiritual wisdom will truly help ease our hearts from desolation.

We do our best to cope each day. One of the things that help us get by is the confidence that our little one, Marcus, is now resting in peace in heaven - and that Papa is there with him.

1st Month With-out Marcus

When I look out the window it is evident that the world below is going about it's day, doing it's normal routine. Might be selfish, but it's hard to stomach the fact that the world outside is not grieving alongside with me... each and every day.

And today is much harder to accept than usual. Today is our baby Marcus' supposed 1st month birthday. He would have already lived for 30 miraculous days. Looking back, I remember cousin Rhoda suggesting to me that day I delivered Marcus - before the toughest night of Jhon and I's lives - to do a monthly celebration for our little one as a thanksgiving. The supposed celebration has now transformed into deep sorrow.

Last night I was searching for books that might help me and Jhon get through our grieving process much easier. When I was going through various book synopses, it was comforting to know that we are not alone. Many parents are also silently grieving like we are. We grieve in silence because the outside world seem to have a hard time empathizing with bereaved parents like us. Though meaning well, most people see our story as "not much of a loss" as compared to a passed adult loved one. There just aren't enough memories to mourn about, they think. They find it difficult to sympathize for they have never met or seen our little one. "It could've been worse," they say. "Imagine if you lost him after a few months."

Though my Kuya Ken said before, "A loss is a loss... It doesn't make the situation less important or less painful just because Marcus only lived with us for a few hours." Kuya Ken and the rest of our immediate family members tell a different story. We are lucky to have such a supportive family. They feel for us because Marcus is their blood too.

But sometimes I think that I might be getting mad. Am I overreacting? Melodramatic? Masochistic? Am I supposed to move on much easier? Am I not allowed to grieve so deeply for our darling baby Marcus just because?

Knowing that parents just like us, who lost an infant child, go through the same arduous ordeal is a bit reassuring. What Jhon and I are going through right now is perfectly normal. We are not going crazy. No one can dictate us and say "just get over it and move on." For I believe in my heart that we will never truly heal. In time the wound will just seem less raw but it will never disappear.

I look forward to receiving the books I ordered. I anticipate reading about how other parents memorialize their little angels. How they cope with celebrating significant yet heart-wrenching dates such as birthdays and anniversaries, for we do not want our little Angel Marcus to be forgotten in time.

This blog that we started is more than just an online journal of our thoughts and journey through it all, but more importantly, this is a memorial for our darling Marcus. We want to share him to the world the best way we can. We want to proclaim our love for him and declare to the world the wonders he has done for me and Jhon, and those who have witnessed his beauty one way or another.

Our little Marcus has been an Angel in heaven for 30 days now, and counting. I believe that is something worth celebrating for.

This is how Jhon and I picture our little Angel Marcus in heaven. We love you our darling baby boy. We miss you more and more each day. God bless you and rest in peace.

Day 9 Mass Offering - Blessing of Baby Marcus' Sanctuary

We are relieved. This afternoon was our baby Marcus' 9th day of novena/mass offering... we celebrated Holy Mass at our place to make sure our little angel's sanctuary was properly blessed. Jhon and I are touched that our Mama, Kuya Ken and Joanne, Ate Mache, Ate Belle, Mica, Bea, Cielo, Daniela, and Miguel were able to join us. Tita Marissa and Suzette together Rose and her daughter came as well. They all got to see our 'dedication of love' for our little darling.

Fr. Gener, was one of the priests who celebrated mass and blessed our Marcus during his 8 days at the chapel. We particularly loved his homily and the sincerity of his personal prayer for our baby when he was blessed. He even kissed our baby's urn twice upon blessing him. He found our baby's story to be deeply emotional. Jhon and I knew right there that we wanted him to hold our little angel's 9th day Holy Mass and blessing. And we were fortunate enough Fr. obliged us with a few hours of his time for our dear baby Marcus.

During the mass, Fr. read his very special homily for little angel Marcus. What he wrote brought tears to my eyes yet comfort in my heart that God is there... and that our little angel is safe in His arms in heaven. Thank you Fr. Gener, we are truly grateful. Thank you for making our baby's 9th day extra special.

Homily on the occasion of Marcus Jaime's 9th day:

During the last week as each of us considered the untimely death of baby Marcus Jaime our hearts have been full of questions - chief amongst them being "how did this happen?" and "why did this happen?" These questions have not only been in the hearts and minds of Jhon and Marjorie and their families, but upon the lips of many of you who are here today.

We are not her today to answer these questions - even if we could. Rather we are here to mourn - to mourn and to commend Marcus Jaime into God's care, and to ask God to help us - and most especially help Jhon and Marjorie through their grief.

In the most beautiful of gardens, even those tended by the most skillful of botanists, there is an occasional rose that buds, but never opens. In all respects the rose is like all the others, but something keeps it from blooming. It fades away - or disappears - without having reached maturity.

What happens in nature's garden happens once in a while also in the garden of God's human family. A baby is born, beautiful, precious, but fails to come to its rightful unfolding. This child, like the bud that never fully opens, is gathered back into God's heavenly garden of souls.

Today we mourn our loss of a child. You weep, just as Jesus himself wept at the death of his friend Lazarus. Even if we knew the answers to the questions that rise so naturally to our hearts and minds at times like this, there still would be no adequate explanation for this loss. It is painful.

There are angels above. Angels who watch over the little ones of this earth. Jesus speaks of them when he tells his disciples to be careful not to think less of little children simply because they are little children, for in heaven, he says, their angels continually see the face of the Father in heaven.

There is a special place in the heart of God and amongst the angels for the little ones of this world just as there is a special place in our hearts today for Marcus Jaime.

And so we weep at what has happened. And so too - God weeps with us.

What can be said that might ease the pain, the grief that you - and all of us feel today?

There isn't much we can say that will help. We can express our sympathy and sorrow. We can offer words of love, care and concern. We can say we will pray for you. But other than that we don't know what to say about these things.

It is important to know that God is for you. God did not do this to you. God did not will Marcus Jaime's death or your pain. But God is with you in the midst of it all and will help you through it. God is for you. What is more, God gave up his own son for us all.

Jhon and Marjorie, God understands your pain. God had a son who died also. Jesus died on the cross for us.

Now you may think, "Sure, but Jesus rose from the dead." Well, because Jesus rose to new life you can be confident that Marcus Jaime has new life also, one that can never be snatched away from him - or from you.

Today - in your grief - know - that there is another angel in heaven whose name is Marcus Jaime. Cling to that hope - that promise of our God - and allow your tears to wash away the pain in the days and months to come.

Thank you our dear family, for again being there for us. We are definitely blessed to have you in our lives. We couldn't do this without you. Thank you!