On Your 5th Birthday, My Love

My dear Baby Marcus,

Happy, Happy Birthday my Love! You would’ve been 5 years old now. How time flies. Your Papa and I were counting today, “Has it really been 5 years?” I can only imagine how big and handsome you would be by now. But as God wanted it, you will be our forever baby, our angel baby in Heaven. 

Today, your Papa and I, together with Lola Talula of course, and Tita Belle, Ate Mica, and Kuya Miguel, heard Holy Mass for you. We had the priest bless you and he asked how old you would have been today. Then he asked if your Papa and I are planning to have another baby. I just told him, “Someday, maybe, soon.”

How are you, my love? Your Papa and I miss you terribly - most especially today. You know, we try to live our lives “normally” each day but today, we could not help but cry and mourn your loss once again. I looked through your blog tonight and it brought out memories of the time we lost you, my love. The pain is as fresh as it was 5 years ago. Your Papa and I shed helpless tears as we were transported back to the painful moments. Reading love notes from your cousins and Tita Belle, and most especially, the love letter your Papa wrote for you. It was all too much for us not to cry.

Every year, I write you a love note, aside from the nightly conversations I have with you. And every year, I try to make it a point that the letter I write you show that your Papa and I are getting better… each year. And I am happy to report that we are holding up well, my love. Thanks to the strong support we have from our family. And thanks to the wonderful one year we spent in Paris, your Papa and I have found our true passion. This keeps us happily busy. And everything that we have accomplished and continue to accomplish is because you are our inspiration, our muse.

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Papa and I had a conversation just a few days ago. I asked him that if ever we are not blessed with another child, will he be okay with it? Your Papa - the ever gentle-hearted and understanding person that he is - said that it will be okay with him of course, but he also said that we should still give it a try. Whatever God wills, we will accept. 

I have to admit, my love, that after browsing through your blog tonight, I am again hopeful that, maybe, we will be blessed with another baby. You have given us so much love and so much joy that I want to experience that again. The fear has gone away. 

So on your birthday, my dear angel Marcus, you have blessed me again with hope and courage. Your light continues to shine on us… thank you, my baby Marcus. Thank you for always watching over Mama and Papa and the rest of our family.

I love you very much, my dear baby!!!

Always,

P.S.

I am sure you enjoyed the birthday celebration your Titas, Titos, Lola and Lolo, and sweetie Carine have done for you today. I am sure you loved the Happy Birthday song that Carine sang for you. They love you very much and I am sure you are always watching over them.

You Would've Been 4 Years Old Today

Hello my love,

Happy Birthday!

I fell asleep last night thinking and praying for you, eagerly anticipating your special day. You would've been 4 years old now. I am missing you painfully that I could only think of one special post on Instagram to announce your birthday...

Nothing is more befitting (for me) of how I am feeling today. To hug and kiss you just one more time...

Your Papa and I are playing special songs dedicated for you today. I made you a special "happy" playlist and the music harps our apartment today.

As I Lay Me Down To Sleep

Awake

February Song

Clouds

I'll Remember

Kahit Isang Saglit

I Will Be Here

We lit candles with your Prayer Card displayed in our living room. And today, I will miss my cours pratique because we will celebrate your special birthday. I cannot go to class on your birthday. Not today. 

We will go to church and hear mass for you, light candles, and pray The Divine Mercy. Then we will buy you a beautiful and yummy Opera cake from the patisserie that invented it! And of course, your flowers. I'm excited to see what I will find at the flower shop for you today :)

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We are so blessed to wake up this morning and receive the sweetest gift - for you! Your Grandma Zenny, Tita Regina, Tito Suki, and Carine baby celebrated your birthday with you :) :)

Needless to say, your Papa and I were in tears. It's so special, right?! Thank you so much for all the love!

Baby Carine blew the birthday candle for you, and they released balloons to keep with our yearly tradition "to reach you" in heaven.

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We are off in a while to celebrate your birthday in Paris - a first :) Papa looks so handsome and wore a polo with your baby blue color. He dressed up to the nines for you, honey :)

I will post photos of our day, I promise. I know you are with us today, my angel, and are celebrating with us. (How do I hold back tears when I am missing you so much?!)

Je t'aime, my baby Marcus (love, love, love)

Here's the photo update of your birthday celebration in Paris, my love...

This is the pamphlet we kept as a souvenir from the church in rue de Vaugirard where we prayed the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy for you.

Papa Jhon so excited and happy to catch Dalloyau still open for us to buy your birthday cake. It was a very cold and windy afternoon, yet we braved the long walk because it is your birthday :)

After having dinner at a Korean restaurant, we were very lucky to catch a flower shop still open after 9 p.m. to buy your very special white roses. The owner was an old man who was very sweet and very accommodating to us.

Together with your birthday cake, we also bought some macarons to try out for "research" :)

Your birthday cake :) We chose the Opera because Dalloyau is the pastry shop that created this very popular French cake. Only the best for our baby boy. It was very good!

When we got home, I arranged your roses in a vase, lit a candle, and placed your prayer card together with your birthday gifts. Lola Talula knew that it was your birthday too!

Look how beautiful your roses are blooming the next day! This year I chose this gorgeous color together with your white ones. Paris has the best and freshest roses we've seen! Every time I see a rose, I always remember you, my love...

Happy 3rd Birthday, My Marcus

My Dear Baby Marcus,

I do not want February to pass without posting in your blog. It has become a tradition that every year, on your birthday, I write you a love note. Another year have passed again, my love, and there we were, your Papa and I, remembering your very special day. You would've been 3 years old now, my love. To celebrate your birthday, we heard Mass at the chapel and had you blessed by Fr. Carlo which is the most important thing. With your birthday falling on a Tuesday, we decided not to hold a gathering for everyone was busy and your cousins had school. It was simple yet always a very memorable day for me and your Papa. After dinner, we passed by the flower shop to buy you your very special roses. I chose the combination of white and pink this time - I'm sure you loved it, right my baby? Aren't they beautiful?

And I know you are extra happy this year because God has given us another blessing! It was meant to be, my love, just a few days before your birthday we found out that we were pregnant. A miracle happened again, my baby! Thank you for always amazing Mama and Papa and always watching over us. We are so blessed to have a very special little angel up in heaven.

I still think about you everyday, my Marcus. Every happy moment I experience I attribute to you. And when I am sad, I just think of you, then I am okay. Mama will never forget you, my baby, and you will forever be in my heart. My little angel.

I love you forever,

Marcus' Remembrance Day 2012

At 5:30 in the afternoon, to start our little angel's commemoration day, a Holy Mass was celebrated by Fr. Maxwell. I wish I got the chance to record his homily, it was beautiful. He said that we remember and celebrate Marcus' birthday not to pray for him in hopes of him getting to heaven, but we pray for him to pray for us who are still here on earth. It is already a given that he is with God in paradise, and we pray for him - as our intercessor - up in heaven. We need him to pray for us and whisper to God for us.

Beautiful isn't it?

When the Mass ended, we prayed our special Prayer for Marcus. I printed a copy for everybody so each one of us can pray intently for our baby.

Then after the prayer, we released his signature baby blue and white balloons. These balloons included prayers of love - a quiet prayer in each of our hearts expressing our love for our baby Marcus.

30 baby blue and white balloons were released for our little angel

An intimate dinner with close family and close friends followed. Marcus' cousins (Ate Mica, Ate Elisse, Ate Bea, Ate Cielo, Kuya Miguel, Ate Daniela, Kuya Maxi, Baby Magnus) were all there to celebrate.

Side note, a beautiful story:

Before dinner started, my 10 year-old niece, Cielo, went up to me and said, "Tita Jet, I have a gift for Marcus." 

I responded with, "What is it? Is it a love note or a card?" (She loves making handmade cards and love notes) 

She said, "No... me! I'm the gift. Because I am here for his birthday!"

How sweet is that?! A heartfelt and pure sentiment from a sweet little girl. Where did her innocent thoughts come from? Did our baby boy whisper to Cielo to say those words to me? Angels were present on that day.

And what a beautiful sunset. The day was bright without a single raindrop (despite the gloomy weather forecast). From the afternoon till night time it was cool and breezy. The night was clear and bright. A beautiful Sunday.

The food: catered by The Red Chef (very patient and accommodating despite the windy night)

Dinner with my siblings - Ate Mache, Ate Belle, and Chebs who brought their family (my in-laws Lizza, David and nieces & nephews).

From left to right: Fr. Maxwell, Ate Mache, David, Ate Belle, Atty. Agnes, Atty. Blanca

Pretty nieces, the Ates - Mica, Bea, Elisse

Uncle Bonx (Chebs) with Mica

With close friends: (from left to right) Papa Jhon, Christian, Patricia, Anastacia, Mike

Same friends with Mama Jet this time

The group under the beautiful night's sky

Ferdi followed not so late that evening, as well as my bestie, Mela (who came from the airport straight from Singapore). OJ and Charlene went too. And my dear cousin Ate Dot came with her friend Chris. Grandma Myrna also sent us (via driver) her gift and a love note - she apologized that she couldn't join us.

Overall it was a gorgeous night. Jhon and I were happy that our family and friends were there for our baby Marcus.

It is a tricky (yearly) event, our baby boy's birthday. Do you celebrate a birthday? It is quite tricky asking people to celebrate with us. Here it is -- simply put, it is a remembrance. We remember the short but meaningful life of our little angel. We remember that we was here and we remember our love for him. We remember that he matters. We remember him.

Happy birthday my baby Marcus! You are very much loved :)

Happy Birthday My Love

It's your birthday my baby boy. Two years ago, you were born at exactly 8:57 a.m. at The Medical City. That was the most glorious moment of my life.

You would've been two years old now - walking, talking... and very much handsome. I see you as a very happy little boy, very well-mannered, smart, and of course, sweet as can be.

Today, Mama and Papa planned an intimate celebration with close family and close friends to remember your very special day. Mama has been planning this for a week and a half - everything is set.

At 5:00 p.m., your very special guests will arrive. At exactly 5:30 p.m. Fr. Maxwell will celebrate Holy Mass especially for you. He was the same priest who celebrated for you last year.

It's a very beautiful day today, my love. It's bright and sunny! There is a fiesta going on across the street (the feast of the Baby Jesus - how timely!), and I see it as these people celebrating your special day as well. I was very worried that it might rain today based from the weather forecast - but guess what, it's the sunniest day! I know it's all because of you, my honey, you are tight with God and I'm sure you whispered to his ear to make this day a gorgeous day. Thank you my Marcus!

I will post pictures of the event this time around. I will make sure that today will be documented.

By the way, I have a gift for you, baby. Mama is finally designing your photobook. I am hoping to finish it soon and have it printed right away. It will be very beautiful... a beautiful memory of a very beautiful angel.

So Happy Happy Birthday my Baby Marcus!

Thank you for making Mama's life complete.

Mama loves you very much! Forever and ever.

Thank You My Baby Boy

My Dear Baby Marcus,

As your birthday nears, my love, I couldn't help but to check your blog once again. I know haven't done that for a while but coping with the bustle of daily life takes much of my time.

With this entry though, as your birthday nears, I would like to thank you, my love, for the gifts you gave Mama. During special occasions you never fail to "say hello" and greet Mama through your very special ways.

Now that I made time to post it, I would like to brag about your sweet gifts to me, my baby.

The dragonfly has always been very special to me. They say a dragonfly is a symbolism of a child that passed. Since then I've always had some kind of fondness to it. 

And as sweet as you are, you knew what gift to send for me to especially realize that it came from you my baby.

Last September, as I celebrated my birthday in a beautiful resort in Boracay with Papa, you sent me your birthday gift. How can we miss it, the dragonfly was inside our bedroom! How special! Thank you, my love, for the birthday gift.

Last December close to Christmas, as Mama finished her hectic schedule for the season and the last day of work ended, you gave me again a beautiful Christmas gift.

While Mama was lazily sitting out in the balcony, physically tired and exhausted, a dragonfly flew in front of me and rested on the bamboo plant. Imagine the condo tower, 18 floors high, in the middle of the city - and out of nowhere an innocent dragonfly found itself at our balcony. I knew for sure this gift was from you. Thank you, my love, for the Christmas gift.

What else can a mother ask for? I have a beautiful angel in heaven who watches over me all the time, prays to Jesus Christ for me, whispering good words to God for me. And in special occasions, brings me gifts - saying "I love you, Mama, I am just here, I am always with you."

Thank you my baby Marcus <3

And as your birthday nears once again, I am doing my best to make it extra special. Your birthday comes but once a year, and during this day I make sure that your family (your Titos & Titas, your cousins) and close friends of Mama & Papa celebrate, remember, and pray for you as well.

I love you very much, my baby Marcus. Advance Happy Birthday, my Honey.

Always,
Mama

P.S.
I hope the red velvet cake cheesecake I am working hard to bake becomes successful. That will be your very special cake.

Backtrack 10.2010 : After A Self-Imposed 1 Month Hiatus

This post I accidentally saw in the draft section. It is unfinished though it says a lot about our journey through our recovery. I haven't checked this blog in a while, I must admit. But for some reason, as my son's birthday nears, I felt myself gravitate towards this special blog of his.

Original entry of these thoughts of mine was dated 25 October 2010... exactly one month after our vacation retreat.

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We are back... from a "retreat vacation" we gave ourselves to just get away from it all.

I realized looking through my previous entries that the last time I actually wrote in our son's blog was August. Thinking back now, it was very much intentional. I had my reasons for not doing so and one of them is that I usually feel quite vulnerable expressing my raw emotions in this blog. I couldn't help but feel judged - or worse pitied - by people who follow our journey through this online journal. It almost felt like being naked in front of hundreds of people.

When is personal, too personal? I felt Jhon and I had an obligation to share our experiences in this blog to help others who are also going through the same tasking journey. We felt we had a mission to help. But where do we draw the line?

I never stopped writing, it is my form of release and expression. I still wrote in my personal journal and there I jotted down every emotion I felt without repression. I was free to be me.

Though I felt this little blog of Marcus shouldn't stop with entries of only sadness and grief. There should be progress. People and parents going through their own grief should be told that there is light at the end of the tunnel. That eventually life will get better again. This precise entry is just about that.

This is our story - at least from my point of view - of our one month journey to real recovery. A milestone.

When September came and the topic of my birthday came up, I suggested to Jhon that maybe a weekend away would be fabulous. The thought of just disappearing far away from the chaotic city life sounded very enticing to us. We collectively agreed that we were finally ready to travel and that was a good sign, it was progress on our part.

We eventually realized that a weekend away just did not seem enough time to recover from all the stress we were experiencing. So why not a full month then? And so we did.

We needed a break. We needed a totally different  atmosphere. So Jhon and I (together with Lola Talula) packed our bags and headed to a tiny island paradise that is called Boracay. There we rented a beautiful apartment atop a mountain, the highest peak of the island away from the tourist crowd and noisy party scene. It was our place of Zen for one month.

We found the peace we did not know we were craving for and greatly needed all this time. The setup God blessed us with was the perfect scenery for a personal retreat. Just to be able to hear yourself think and listen to your own thoughts was precious. 

Jhon and I agreed that we had to detach ourselves from everything we got accustomed to in the city. We took great effort into forgetting about technology and that included cellphones and the internet. We barely even watched television. 

We immersed ourselves in books about self-realization and reflection. After 4 years from the first time I read Your Best Life Now by Joel Osteen I began my retreat by reading this inspirational book from cover to cover. Little did I know that by reading this book I will reach the pinnacle of my recovery. I am forever changed.

To be blessed with a spectacular view that we wake up to every morning aided us even further. Everyday, we get up and are greeted by the beauty of nature in all its glory... the favor of God. I couldn't help but be thankful of each passing day. It was pretty hard to ignore each day that we were blessed with and it made me see the beauty of life once again. I was still very much missing my baby Marcus though now I was seeing him in the beauty of nature. I felt him in the gorgeous sea breeze, I saw him in the turquoise blue waters, in the blue skies, the green mountain tops. I confidently felt that he wanted us to be better, he wanted us to be happy again. He reassured me that he is happy and at peace in every rainbow we see.

Circa 2010 (October 3): Our One-Month Retreat Vacation

From Mama Jet's private blog. An entry.


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DAY 14: MY SECOND CHANCE ON LIFE

My second life.

I am overwhelmed!

Life is flowing through me now and I am glowing from deep within.

God just blessed me with true enlightenment.

I never expected this blessing to come in such an unexpected way. I was just about to feed our puppy girl her late lunch when God showered me with His true and favorable love!

What I am experiencing now is more emotional and spiritual rather than logical. The reason why I do not dare force it into words. I am letting my emotions flow. I am feeling every bit of His love and blessings that it overcomes my whole being.

Thank you my God! You are an immeasurable God and Your love and favor overflows! I am overwhelmed! Your love overflows!

I can’t stop closing my eyes and just feel and breathe in this most amazing feeling God can ever bless any of His children with. Thank you God!

You have blessed me with this wonderful and privileged vacation retreat to heal my heart and my soul. This beautiful place that we stay in to make each day of our retreat as comfortable as possible, more than anyone could ask for. With attentive and caring staff at our beck and call. A retreat place located in this quiet and secluded area of the island… on top of a beautiful mountain. Peaceful rain and its gentle, cool breeze. Thank you God. Thank you for Your immeasurable love and favor!

This has been my hope to accomplish on this personal retreat of ours. God granted me with His immeasurable favor… two weeks into our vacation. What an amazing feat!

Peace of mind. Deep peace within in my heart, my soul, my spirit, my God. Thank you God. I have found what I have been praying for. I am so privileged. I live a very blessed life. I feel so special. My God is my fortress.

This is a beautiful life.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I am thirsty for more love and favor from God.

One of the greatest gifts God can bless one with… peace. I am at peace.

Thank you.

The song Unwritten was playing while God shined his enlightenment on me.

“Today is where your book begins… the rest is still unwritten.

I break tradition, sometimes my tries are outside the lines. 

We’ve been conditioned to not mistakes, but I can’t live that way.

Staring at a blank page before you…

Reaching, for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it. 

Release your inhibitions.”

Circa 2010 (October 19)

This blog entry I wrote roughly a year ago when Papa Jhon and I went on a one-month vacation retreat to aid our healing. I posted this in my private blog were no other eyes are allowed expect me and myself. I though I would share this - for next week, we will be going back to this island paradise... for my birthday.

Needless to say, a lot has happened in one year, and I cannot complain. The only thing that will never change is my missing my Marcus every single day.

Please read on...

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DAY 19: MY VIEW AT OUR LITTLE ISLAND PARADISE

To aid us with our search for enlightenment and peace, God had blessed us with a glorious view for the duration of our vacation in this island paradise. I cannot deny being thankful for each blessed day of my life waking up to this magnificent sight. I feel so close to God - and my baby boy - being so near the skies way up on this mountain. It is quite impossible to ignore this extraordinary sight.

The photos do not do justice to the actual view of this place. We are indeed blessed.


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I was flooded with great realizations a couple of days ago. Living in this picturesque place each day makes any person feel so elated that one cannot help but dream - and live the fantasy of an the island life. And why not, right?

Two years ago, the love of my life and I literally planned on living it out here. Everything was set and we were about to embark on a life in a tiny island. But looking back at that time today, God did not mean for us to experience that. It was not in God's plan, and we see it so clearly now.

A few weeks ago, as we planned our vacation retreat everything seemed easier, lighter. All the pieces just came together like it was fate. We knew right away that God intended for us to experience this retreat. This time around He knew that we totally needed this for our recovery. It was not for selfish reasons and worldly intentions, but for pure reflection and the true search for inner peace.

Everything happened so smoothly for us that we were led to believe we were meant to finally live the island life. It seemed like we can have it going here. Opportunities were laid out for us... it seemed. We have God's favor. Together with our enlightenment, it seemed that God wanted us to have our "new beginning" living in a tiny island.

What do we have going for us in the city? What were we about to leave there if we decided to truck it out here? It seemed that there was none. The options seemed brighter here... more inspiring, more promising, more peaceful. Probably the peace that we cannot seem to find in the city.

Were we blinded by the bright lights of "living a vacation life?" Will it all appear as bright and cheery when we did decide to live here? How will our everyday life be? Will we still see it as a land of milk and honey? Will the view still look as amazing as how we see it now?

It was too good, that we hoped it would be true.

What about our projects in the city? Our plans of helping others, our advocacy to honor our baby M. It could not be done here.

Maybe we are indeed destined to live here - but not just yet.

We have unfinished, more like un-started, business in the city. There are people - children - waiting to be offered a helping hand. How could we abandon them? How could we abandon the cause we are so eager to start for our son?

Are we about to abandon everything that we hoped to accomplish for a life of ease and laid-back existence? The island life?

I believe that while the book I am reading, Your Best Life Now, proclaims a life of extraordinary favor from God, it too says that in order to achieve God's supernatural favor, we have to do our part and work for it.

I believe that God has done, and is still blessing us with, His extraordinary favor with each beautiful day that we spend here on the island. I felt His immeasurable love and favor a few days ago when He granted me with the PEACE that I have been hoping and praying for. I have accomplished what I came here to do and I now spend each day keeping my heart and soul open for His next plan for me.

What does He want for me now? I am certain I live my life working to achieve amazing things, because that is how God intends my life to be - exceptional. He did not intend for me, or any of His children, to live a mediocre life. He is a giving God. Our Father only intends the best for His children.

The favor that He has granted me in this retreat is the release of all my past hurts and repressions. He has blessed me with the privilege to let go. He has released me from the crippling memories that have been pulling me down for years. The emotional baggage that I have been carrying around for years and years. I am now free. I am now at peace.

I await for His next plan for me. For now, I spend each day just soaking up the beauty that He has created.

We have 11 days left... and I can't wait to discover what He has in store for me with the days to come.