"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief... and unspeakable love.” - Washington Irving

Sunday, February 05, 2012

Happy Birthday My Love

It's your birthday my baby boy. Two years ago, you were born at exactly 8:57 a.m. at The Medical City. That was the most glorious moment of my life.

You would've been two years old now - walking, talking... and very much handsome. I see you as a very happy little boy, very well-mannered, smart, and of course, sweet as can be.

Today, Mama and Papa planned an intimate celebration with close family and close friends to remember your very special day. Mama has been planning this for a week and a half - everything is set.

At 5:00 p.m., your very special guests will arrive. At exactly 5:30 p.m. Fr. Maxwell will celebrate Holy Mass especially for you. He was the same priest who celebrated for you last year.

It's a very beautiful day today, my love. It's bright and sunny! There is a fiesta going on across the street (the feast of the Baby Jesus - how timely!), and I see it as these people celebrating your special day as well. I was very worried that it might rain today based from the weather forecast - but guess what, it's the sunniest day! I know it's all because of you, my honey, you are tight with God and I'm sure you whispered to his ear to make this day a gorgeous day. Thank you my Marcus!

I will post pictures of the event this time around. I will make sure that today will be documented.

By the way, I have a gift for you, baby. Mama is finally designing your photobook. I am hoping to finish it soon and have it printed right away. It will be very beautiful... a beautiful memory of a very beautiful angel.

So Happy Happy Birthday my Baby Marcus!

Thank you for making Mama's life complete.

Mama loves you very much! Forever and ever.

Friday, February 03, 2012

Thank You My Baby Boy

My Dear Baby Marcus,

As your birthday nears, my love, I couldn't help but to check your blog once again. I know haven't done that for a while but coping with the bustle of daily life takes much of my time.

With this entry though, as your birthday nears, I would like to thank you, my love, for the gifts you gave Mama. During special occasions you never fail to "say hello" and greet Mama through your very special ways.

Now that I made time to post it, I would like to brag about your sweet gifts to me, my baby.

The dragonfly has always been very special to me. They say a dragonfly is a symbolism of a child that passed. Since then I've always had some kind of fondness to it. 

And as sweet as you are, you knew what gift to send for me to especially realize that it came from you my baby.

Last September, as I celebrated my birthday in a beautiful resort in Boracay with Papa, you sent me your birthday gift. How can we miss it, the dragonfly was inside our bedroom! How special! Thank you, my love, for the birthday gift.

Last December close to Christmas, as Mama finished her hectic schedule for the season and the last day of work ended, you gave me again a beautiful Christmas gift.

While Mama was lazily sitting out in the balcony, physically tired and exhausted, a dragonfly flew in front of me and rested on the bamboo plant. Imagine the condo tower, 18 floors high, in the middle of the city - and out of nowhere an innocent dragonfly found itself at our balcony. I knew for sure this gift was from you. Thank you, my love, for the Christmas gift.

What else can a mother ask for? I have a beautiful angel in heaven who watches over me all the time, prays to Jesus Christ for me, whispering good words to God for me. And in special occasions, brings me gifts - saying "I love you, Mama, I am just here, I am always with you."

Thank you my baby Marcus <3

And as your birthday nears once again, I am doing my best to make it extra special. Your birthday comes but once a year, and during this day I make sure that your family (your Titos & Titas, your cousins) and close friends of Mama & Papa celebrate, remember, and pray for you as well.

I love you very much, my baby Marcus. Advance Happy Birthday, my Honey.


I hope the red velvet cake cheesecake I am working hard to bake becomes successful. That will be your very special cake.

Backtrack 10.2010 : After A Self-Imposed 1 Month Hiatus

This post I accidentally saw in the draft section. It is unfinished though it says a lot about our journey through our recovery. I haven't checked this blog in a while, I must admit. But for some reason, as my son's birthday nears, I felt myself gravitate towards this special blog of his.

Original entry of these thoughts of mine was dated 25 October 2010... exactly one month after our vacation retreat.


We are back... from a "retreat vacation" we gave ourselves to just get away from it all.

I realized looking through my previous entries that the last time I actually wrote in our son's blog was August. Thinking back now, it was very much intentional. I had my reasons for not doing so and one of them is that I usually feel quite vulnerable expressing my raw emotions in this blog. I couldn't help but feel judged - or worse pitied - by people who follow our journey through this online journal. It almost felt like being naked in front of hundreds of people.

When is personal, too personal? I felt Jhon and I had an obligation to share our experiences in this blog to help others who are also going through the same tasking journey. We felt we had a mission to help. But where do we draw the line?

I never stopped writing, it is my form of release and expression. I still wrote in my personal journal and there I jotted down every emotion I felt without repression. I was free to be me.

Though I felt this little blog of Marcus shouldn't stop with entries of only sadness and grief. There should be progress. People and parents going through their own grief should be told that there is light at the end of the tunnel. That eventually life will get better again. This precise entry is just about that.

This is our story - at least from my point of view - of our one month journey to real recovery. A milestone.

When September came and the topic of my birthday came up, I suggested to Jhon that maybe a weekend away would be fabulous. The thought of just disappearing far away from the chaotic city life sounded very enticing to us. We collectively agreed that we were finally ready to travel and that was a good sign, it was progress on our part.

We eventually realized that a weekend away just did not seem enough time to recover from all the stress we were experiencing. So why not a full month then? And so we did.

We needed a break. We needed a totally different  atmosphere. So Jhon and I (together with Lola Talula) packed our bags and headed to a tiny island paradise that is called Boracay. There we rented a beautiful apartment atop a mountain, the highest peak of the island away from the tourist crowd and noisy party scene. It was our place of Zen for one month.

We found the peace we did not know we were craving for and greatly needed all this time. The setup God blessed us with was the perfect scenery for a personal retreat. Just to be able to hear yourself think and listen to your own thoughts was precious. 

Jhon and I agreed that we had to detach ourselves from everything we got accustomed to in the city. We took great effort into forgetting about technology and that included cellphones and the internet. We barely even watched television. 

We immersed ourselves in books about self-realization and reflection. After 4 years from the first time I read Your Best Life Now by Joel Osteen I began my retreat by reading this inspirational book from cover to cover. Little did I know that by reading this book I will reach the pinnacle of my recovery. I am forever changed.

To be blessed with a spectacular view that we wake up to every morning aided us even further. Everyday, we get up and are greeted by the beauty of nature in all its glory... the favor of God. I couldn't help but be thankful of each passing day. It was pretty hard to ignore each day that we were blessed with and it made me see the beauty of life once again. I was still very much missing my baby Marcus though now I was seeing him in the beauty of nature. I felt him in the gorgeous sea breeze, I saw him in the turquoise blue waters, in the blue skies, the green mountain tops. I confidently felt that he wanted us to be better, he wanted us to be happy again. He reassured me that he is happy and at peace in every rainbow we see.