"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief... and unspeakable love.” - Washington Irving

Monday, May 10, 2010

My Mama's Day Special

Yesterday was my day. I was more happy than sad to celebrate Mama's Day. I am proud to be a mother. The gift of being a mother is a definite treasure to me. Bittersweet, yes, though I embraced the day because yesterday, my little angel Marcus greeted me a very Happy Mother's Day.

How did my day start?

I slept in - for I went to bed just about when the sun was rising. I stayed up all night reading my new book The Good Grief Club by Monica Novak. I am appreciating this book so far. The emotional and raw feelings of loss by these 7 women who eventually became friends, brought together by the same unfortunate experiences, keeps me in 'positive' touch of my own emotions.

As I read the preface, I felt immediately in tuned and somewhat comforted with this excerpt:
I found no comfort in being a statistic. Where I drew comfort, however, was from knowing that someone else on this planet understood my intense pain, the indescribable feelings of helplessness and loss. I drew comfort from knowing that other people had survived following the death of their own child, eventually finding happiness and purpose in their lives again.
Somehow, no matter how empathic a person - and I really do appreciate the empathy - if one has not lost a child, it is not conceivably possible to dig deep enough and feel the intense grief we bear for losing our baby. It truly takes one to know one.

I could not put the book down. I believe I will finish reading this one in no time.

Now back to my Mama's Day special...

Surprise Gift No. 1:

Around mid-morning while still very much in deep sleep, I can hear Jhon typing away on the laptop. I left him to do whatever it was he was busy concocting. My unconscious mind dreams away.

I was dreaming what seems to be a typically irrelevant dream. The kind that you won't even remember by the time you open your eyes. Even now, as I try my best to recall the dream, I do not succeed. But as I was nearing the end of this 'forgettable' dream, the story shifts.

All of a sudden I was transported to my elementary school campus. I was standing at the huge quadrangle while hundreds of little girls, lined up by the exposed corridors, sing and dance in a well-choreographed, consistent motion. They were all smiling and giddy. Much like enthusiastic choir members performing in front of a big crowd. Then almost instantaneously they ended their act, and altogether pointed to the sky with their arms extended diagonally upward.

I turned to the direction they pointed and there it was... the cutest, most innocent and child-like character one could put together.

The animated character resembled and looked to me like Gumbie, this children's character on television made out of clay. He was wearing some kind of a cowboy outfit complete with fringed leather pants and matching cowboy hat. He was smiling directly at me. It felt like the friendliest smile ever. I could not help but smile back.

Then just when he got my full attention, he endearingly uttered, "I love you Mama."

While still very much asleep I knew, it was my baby Marcus, coming to me in my dream, greeting me.

He made the Gumbie character especially for me. The same way a child would draw pictures for their parents as gifts. My baby Marcus gave me a cowboy clay figure for Mama's Day.

My heart was overwhelmed with joy that he visited me in my dream. He spoke to me and told me he loves me!

My dream was over before I knew it. His visit was quick yet very powerful. It was the first time my Marcus came to me in my dreams. I opened my eyes and I started to weep.

My baby visited me! My baby knew it was Mama's Day and gave me the most precious gift. He knew this day was going to be hard for me. He made sure I started my day with a special gift from him. I felt so lucky. It was truly my special day.

I kept on repeating the dream in my head, trying my best to etch the memory permanently and make it last forever. I never want to forget. Only I know how truly special it was.

What else could I ask for?

Surprise Gift No. 2:

Jhon went in the room when he heard I was awake. I told him about my dream. He comforted me until I could control my tears. Then he eagerly showed me my second gift.

He sincerely told me how unskilled he usually is with writing poems. But then he showed me what he just wrote. He proudly announced that - Marcus wrote me a poem.

The blog entry wrote, A Message for Mama...

My tears started to again fall though I did not feel depleted because for the second time yesterday I was crying happy, grateful tears.

It was obvious how Jhon wanted to make my Mama's Day extra special. I can just imagine how difficult it was to make me feel special without pushing those sensitive buttons. I belong to a unique group of mothers. The littlest things can trigger uncontrollable feelings of grief even though the intent is sincere. Jhon knew exactly how to make the day right for me.

Surprise Gift No. 3:

Just after lunch, I could tell Jhon was feeling anxious. I knew he was waiting for something to arrive. He did a great job making me feel anxious too. He knew how I liked getting surprises so he made sure I knew something was coming.

At around 3 p.m. it arrived, the most special bouquet of roses I've ever received. He said it was from baby Marcus and Lola Talula. The arrangement was gorgeous. Jhon knew precisely what I wanted. I could not ask for anything more.

Even Lola got into the Mama's Day spirit. She was very cooperative while I took photos of her with the roses. She too loved the roses very much, she could not stop sniffing them.

I made sure I rearranged the beautiful roses appropriately to fit my baby Marcus' sanctuary.

I made it a point to take enough shots of my special roses. Ample enough that I had to make a slideshow of it so I could properly show it off. I created it to express my thanks for Jhon's sweetest gesture. I am definitely loved.

Surprise Gift No. 4:

Today, Mama's Day Part 2, Jhon gave me my current favorite cake. Mary Grace's (Red) Velvet Cake. Yum!

He wrote a card that said:
To: Mama

Happy Mother's Day! You are the best Mama in the whole world! We love you very much!

From: Baby Marcus and Lola Talula

Need I say more?


I never expected anything for Mother's Day. I did not want to be patronized. I would accept greetings only if they were extended wholeheartedly. The last thing I wanted was pity. Call me snooty but that was how I truly felt.

Jhon, Marcus, and Talula perfected my very special Mama's Day.

My ingredients for my very special Mama's Day recipe:

- 1 part Papa Jhon
- 1 part baby Marcus
- 1 part Lola Talula
- 1 very special I Love You Mama greeting
- 1 utterly sweet poem from Marcus (written by Papa Jhon)
- 1 perfect bouquet of long-stemmed roses
- 2 delectable red velvet cakes (Mary Grace style)
- a whole lot of Love

I am a Mama loved.

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