Happy Birthday My Love

It's your birthday my baby boy. Two years ago, you were born at exactly 8:57 a.m. at The Medical City. That was the most glorious moment of my life.

You would've been two years old now - walking, talking... and very much handsome. I see you as a very happy little boy, very well-mannered, smart, and of course, sweet as can be.

Today, Mama and Papa planned an intimate celebration with close family and close friends to remember your very special day. Mama has been planning this for a week and a half - everything is set.

At 5:00 p.m., your very special guests will arrive. At exactly 5:30 p.m. Fr. Maxwell will celebrate Holy Mass especially for you. He was the same priest who celebrated for you last year.

It's a very beautiful day today, my love. It's bright and sunny! There is a fiesta going on across the street (the feast of the Baby Jesus - how timely!), and I see it as these people celebrating your special day as well. I was very worried that it might rain today based from the weather forecast - but guess what, it's the sunniest day! I know it's all because of you, my honey, you are tight with God and I'm sure you whispered to his ear to make this day a gorgeous day. Thank you my Marcus!

I will post pictures of the event this time around. I will make sure that today will be documented.

By the way, I have a gift for you, baby. Mama is finally designing your photobook. I am hoping to finish it soon and have it printed right away. It will be very beautiful... a beautiful memory of a very beautiful angel.

So Happy Happy Birthday my Baby Marcus!

Thank you for making Mama's life complete.

Mama loves you very much! Forever and ever.

Thank You My Baby Boy

My Dear Baby Marcus,

As your birthday nears, my love, I couldn't help but to check your blog once again. I know haven't done that for a while but coping with the bustle of daily life takes much of my time.

With this entry though, as your birthday nears, I would like to thank you, my love, for the gifts you gave Mama. During special occasions you never fail to "say hello" and greet Mama through your very special ways.

Now that I made time to post it, I would like to brag about your sweet gifts to me, my baby.

The dragonfly has always been very special to me. They say a dragonfly is a symbolism of a child that passed. Since then I've always had some kind of fondness to it. 

And as sweet as you are, you knew what gift to send for me to especially realize that it came from you my baby.

Last September, as I celebrated my birthday in a beautiful resort in Boracay with Papa, you sent me your birthday gift. How can we miss it, the dragonfly was inside our bedroom! How special! Thank you, my love, for the birthday gift.

Last December close to Christmas, as Mama finished her hectic schedule for the season and the last day of work ended, you gave me again a beautiful Christmas gift.

While Mama was lazily sitting out in the balcony, physically tired and exhausted, a dragonfly flew in front of me and rested on the bamboo plant. Imagine the condo tower, 18 floors high, in the middle of the city - and out of nowhere an innocent dragonfly found itself at our balcony. I knew for sure this gift was from you. Thank you, my love, for the Christmas gift.

What else can a mother ask for? I have a beautiful angel in heaven who watches over me all the time, prays to Jesus Christ for me, whispering good words to God for me. And in special occasions, brings me gifts - saying "I love you, Mama, I am just here, I am always with you."

Thank you my baby Marcus <3

And as your birthday nears once again, I am doing my best to make it extra special. Your birthday comes but once a year, and during this day I make sure that your family (your Titos & Titas, your cousins) and close friends of Mama & Papa celebrate, remember, and pray for you as well.

I love you very much, my baby Marcus. Advance Happy Birthday, my Honey.

Always,
Mama

P.S.
I hope the red velvet cake cheesecake I am working hard to bake becomes successful. That will be your very special cake.

Backtrack 10.2010 : After A Self-Imposed 1 Month Hiatus

This post I accidentally saw in the draft section. It is unfinished though it says a lot about our journey through our recovery. I haven't checked this blog in a while, I must admit. But for some reason, as my son's birthday nears, I felt myself gravitate towards this special blog of his.

Original entry of these thoughts of mine was dated 25 October 2010... exactly one month after our vacation retreat.

---------------

We are back... from a "retreat vacation" we gave ourselves to just get away from it all.

I realized looking through my previous entries that the last time I actually wrote in our son's blog was August. Thinking back now, it was very much intentional. I had my reasons for not doing so and one of them is that I usually feel quite vulnerable expressing my raw emotions in this blog. I couldn't help but feel judged - or worse pitied - by people who follow our journey through this online journal. It almost felt like being naked in front of hundreds of people.

When is personal, too personal? I felt Jhon and I had an obligation to share our experiences in this blog to help others who are also going through the same tasking journey. We felt we had a mission to help. But where do we draw the line?

I never stopped writing, it is my form of release and expression. I still wrote in my personal journal and there I jotted down every emotion I felt without repression. I was free to be me.

Though I felt this little blog of Marcus shouldn't stop with entries of only sadness and grief. There should be progress. People and parents going through their own grief should be told that there is light at the end of the tunnel. That eventually life will get better again. This precise entry is just about that.

This is our story - at least from my point of view - of our one month journey to real recovery. A milestone.

When September came and the topic of my birthday came up, I suggested to Jhon that maybe a weekend away would be fabulous. The thought of just disappearing far away from the chaotic city life sounded very enticing to us. We collectively agreed that we were finally ready to travel and that was a good sign, it was progress on our part.

We eventually realized that a weekend away just did not seem enough time to recover from all the stress we were experiencing. So why not a full month then? And so we did.

We needed a break. We needed a totally different  atmosphere. So Jhon and I (together with Lola Talula) packed our bags and headed to a tiny island paradise that is called Boracay. There we rented a beautiful apartment atop a mountain, the highest peak of the island away from the tourist crowd and noisy party scene. It was our place of Zen for one month.

We found the peace we did not know we were craving for and greatly needed all this time. The setup God blessed us with was the perfect scenery for a personal retreat. Just to be able to hear yourself think and listen to your own thoughts was precious. 

Jhon and I agreed that we had to detach ourselves from everything we got accustomed to in the city. We took great effort into forgetting about technology and that included cellphones and the internet. We barely even watched television. 

We immersed ourselves in books about self-realization and reflection. After 4 years from the first time I read Your Best Life Now by Joel Osteen I began my retreat by reading this inspirational book from cover to cover. Little did I know that by reading this book I will reach the pinnacle of my recovery. I am forever changed.

To be blessed with a spectacular view that we wake up to every morning aided us even further. Everyday, we get up and are greeted by the beauty of nature in all its glory... the favor of God. I couldn't help but be thankful of each passing day. It was pretty hard to ignore each day that we were blessed with and it made me see the beauty of life once again. I was still very much missing my baby Marcus though now I was seeing him in the beauty of nature. I felt him in the gorgeous sea breeze, I saw him in the turquoise blue waters, in the blue skies, the green mountain tops. I confidently felt that he wanted us to be better, he wanted us to be happy again. He reassured me that he is happy and at peace in every rainbow we see.

Circa 2010 (October 3): Our One-Month Retreat Vacation

From Mama Jet's private blog. An entry.


---------------------------

DAY 14: MY SECOND CHANCE ON LIFE

My second life.

I am overwhelmed!

Life is flowing through me now and I am glowing from deep within.

God just blessed me with true enlightenment.

I never expected this blessing to come in such an unexpected way. I was just about to feed our puppy girl her late lunch when God showered me with His true and favorable love!

What I am experiencing now is more emotional and spiritual rather than logical. The reason why I do not dare force it into words. I am letting my emotions flow. I am feeling every bit of His love and blessings that it overcomes my whole being.

Thank you my God! You are an immeasurable God and Your love and favor overflows! I am overwhelmed! Your love overflows!

I can’t stop closing my eyes and just feel and breathe in this most amazing feeling God can ever bless any of His children with. Thank you God!

You have blessed me with this wonderful and privileged vacation retreat to heal my heart and my soul. This beautiful place that we stay in to make each day of our retreat as comfortable as possible, more than anyone could ask for. With attentive and caring staff at our beck and call. A retreat place located in this quiet and secluded area of the island… on top of a beautiful mountain. Peaceful rain and its gentle, cool breeze. Thank you God. Thank you for Your immeasurable love and favor!

This has been my hope to accomplish on this personal retreat of ours. God granted me with His immeasurable favor… two weeks into our vacation. What an amazing feat!

Peace of mind. Deep peace within in my heart, my soul, my spirit, my God. Thank you God. I have found what I have been praying for. I am so privileged. I live a very blessed life. I feel so special. My God is my fortress.

This is a beautiful life.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I am thirsty for more love and favor from God.

One of the greatest gifts God can bless one with… peace. I am at peace.

Thank you.

The song Unwritten was playing while God shined his enlightenment on me.

“Today is where your book begins… the rest is still unwritten.

I break tradition, sometimes my tries are outside the lines. 

We’ve been conditioned to not mistakes, but I can’t live that way.

Staring at a blank page before you…

Reaching, for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it. 

Release your inhibitions.”

Circa 2010 (October 19)

This blog entry I wrote roughly a year ago when Papa Jhon and I went on a one-month vacation retreat to aid our healing. I posted this in my private blog were no other eyes are allowed expect me and myself. I though I would share this - for next week, we will be going back to this island paradise... for my birthday.

Needless to say, a lot has happened in one year, and I cannot complain. The only thing that will never change is my missing my Marcus every single day.

Please read on...

--------------------

DAY 19: MY VIEW AT OUR LITTLE ISLAND PARADISE

To aid us with our search for enlightenment and peace, God had blessed us with a glorious view for the duration of our vacation in this island paradise. I cannot deny being thankful for each blessed day of my life waking up to this magnificent sight. I feel so close to God - and my baby boy - being so near the skies way up on this mountain. It is quite impossible to ignore this extraordinary sight.

The photos do not do justice to the actual view of this place. We are indeed blessed.


---------------

I was flooded with great realizations a couple of days ago. Living in this picturesque place each day makes any person feel so elated that one cannot help but dream - and live the fantasy of an the island life. And why not, right?

Two years ago, the love of my life and I literally planned on living it out here. Everything was set and we were about to embark on a life in a tiny island. But looking back at that time today, God did not mean for us to experience that. It was not in God's plan, and we see it so clearly now.

A few weeks ago, as we planned our vacation retreat everything seemed easier, lighter. All the pieces just came together like it was fate. We knew right away that God intended for us to experience this retreat. This time around He knew that we totally needed this for our recovery. It was not for selfish reasons and worldly intentions, but for pure reflection and the true search for inner peace.

Everything happened so smoothly for us that we were led to believe we were meant to finally live the island life. It seemed like we can have it going here. Opportunities were laid out for us... it seemed. We have God's favor. Together with our enlightenment, it seemed that God wanted us to have our "new beginning" living in a tiny island.

What do we have going for us in the city? What were we about to leave there if we decided to truck it out here? It seemed that there was none. The options seemed brighter here... more inspiring, more promising, more peaceful. Probably the peace that we cannot seem to find in the city.

Were we blinded by the bright lights of "living a vacation life?" Will it all appear as bright and cheery when we did decide to live here? How will our everyday life be? Will we still see it as a land of milk and honey? Will the view still look as amazing as how we see it now?

It was too good, that we hoped it would be true.

What about our projects in the city? Our plans of helping others, our advocacy to honor our baby M. It could not be done here.

Maybe we are indeed destined to live here - but not just yet.

We have unfinished, more like un-started, business in the city. There are people - children - waiting to be offered a helping hand. How could we abandon them? How could we abandon the cause we are so eager to start for our son?

Are we about to abandon everything that we hoped to accomplish for a life of ease and laid-back existence? The island life?

I believe that while the book I am reading, Your Best Life Now, proclaims a life of extraordinary favor from God, it too says that in order to achieve God's supernatural favor, we have to do our part and work for it.

I believe that God has done, and is still blessing us with, His extraordinary favor with each beautiful day that we spend here on the island. I felt His immeasurable love and favor a few days ago when He granted me with the PEACE that I have been hoping and praying for. I have accomplished what I came here to do and I now spend each day keeping my heart and soul open for His next plan for me.

What does He want for me now? I am certain I live my life working to achieve amazing things, because that is how God intends my life to be - exceptional. He did not intend for me, or any of His children, to live a mediocre life. He is a giving God. Our Father only intends the best for His children.

The favor that He has granted me in this retreat is the release of all my past hurts and repressions. He has blessed me with the privilege to let go. He has released me from the crippling memories that have been pulling me down for years. The emotional baggage that I have been carrying around for years and years. I am now free. I am now at peace.

I await for His next plan for me. For now, I spend each day just soaking up the beauty that He has created.

We have 11 days left... and I can't wait to discover what He has in store for me with the days to come.