Circa 2010 (October 3): Our One-Month Retreat Vacation

From Mama Jet's private blog. An entry.


---------------------------

DAY 14: MY SECOND CHANCE ON LIFE

My second life.

I am overwhelmed!

Life is flowing through me now and I am glowing from deep within.

God just blessed me with true enlightenment.

I never expected this blessing to come in such an unexpected way. I was just about to feed our puppy girl her late lunch when God showered me with His true and favorable love!

What I am experiencing now is more emotional and spiritual rather than logical. The reason why I do not dare force it into words. I am letting my emotions flow. I am feeling every bit of His love and blessings that it overcomes my whole being.

Thank you my God! You are an immeasurable God and Your love and favor overflows! I am overwhelmed! Your love overflows!

I can’t stop closing my eyes and just feel and breathe in this most amazing feeling God can ever bless any of His children with. Thank you God!

You have blessed me with this wonderful and privileged vacation retreat to heal my heart and my soul. This beautiful place that we stay in to make each day of our retreat as comfortable as possible, more than anyone could ask for. With attentive and caring staff at our beck and call. A retreat place located in this quiet and secluded area of the island… on top of a beautiful mountain. Peaceful rain and its gentle, cool breeze. Thank you God. Thank you for Your immeasurable love and favor!

This has been my hope to accomplish on this personal retreat of ours. God granted me with His immeasurable favor… two weeks into our vacation. What an amazing feat!

Peace of mind. Deep peace within in my heart, my soul, my spirit, my God. Thank you God. I have found what I have been praying for. I am so privileged. I live a very blessed life. I feel so special. My God is my fortress.

This is a beautiful life.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I am thirsty for more love and favor from God.

One of the greatest gifts God can bless one with… peace. I am at peace.

Thank you.

The song Unwritten was playing while God shined his enlightenment on me.

“Today is where your book begins… the rest is still unwritten.

I break tradition, sometimes my tries are outside the lines. 

We’ve been conditioned to not mistakes, but I can’t live that way.

Staring at a blank page before you…

Reaching, for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it. 

Release your inhibitions.”

Circa 2010 (October 19)

This blog entry I wrote roughly a year ago when Papa Jhon and I went on a one-month vacation retreat to aid our healing. I posted this in my private blog were no other eyes are allowed expect me and myself. I though I would share this - for next week, we will be going back to this island paradise... for my birthday.

Needless to say, a lot has happened in one year, and I cannot complain. The only thing that will never change is my missing my Marcus every single day.

Please read on...

--------------------

DAY 19: MY VIEW AT OUR LITTLE ISLAND PARADISE

To aid us with our search for enlightenment and peace, God had blessed us with a glorious view for the duration of our vacation in this island paradise. I cannot deny being thankful for each blessed day of my life waking up to this magnificent sight. I feel so close to God - and my baby boy - being so near the skies way up on this mountain. It is quite impossible to ignore this extraordinary sight.

The photos do not do justice to the actual view of this place. We are indeed blessed.


---------------

I was flooded with great realizations a couple of days ago. Living in this picturesque place each day makes any person feel so elated that one cannot help but dream - and live the fantasy of an the island life. And why not, right?

Two years ago, the love of my life and I literally planned on living it out here. Everything was set and we were about to embark on a life in a tiny island. But looking back at that time today, God did not mean for us to experience that. It was not in God's plan, and we see it so clearly now.

A few weeks ago, as we planned our vacation retreat everything seemed easier, lighter. All the pieces just came together like it was fate. We knew right away that God intended for us to experience this retreat. This time around He knew that we totally needed this for our recovery. It was not for selfish reasons and worldly intentions, but for pure reflection and the true search for inner peace.

Everything happened so smoothly for us that we were led to believe we were meant to finally live the island life. It seemed like we can have it going here. Opportunities were laid out for us... it seemed. We have God's favor. Together with our enlightenment, it seemed that God wanted us to have our "new beginning" living in a tiny island.

What do we have going for us in the city? What were we about to leave there if we decided to truck it out here? It seemed that there was none. The options seemed brighter here... more inspiring, more promising, more peaceful. Probably the peace that we cannot seem to find in the city.

Were we blinded by the bright lights of "living a vacation life?" Will it all appear as bright and cheery when we did decide to live here? How will our everyday life be? Will we still see it as a land of milk and honey? Will the view still look as amazing as how we see it now?

It was too good, that we hoped it would be true.

What about our projects in the city? Our plans of helping others, our advocacy to honor our baby M. It could not be done here.

Maybe we are indeed destined to live here - but not just yet.

We have unfinished, more like un-started, business in the city. There are people - children - waiting to be offered a helping hand. How could we abandon them? How could we abandon the cause we are so eager to start for our son?

Are we about to abandon everything that we hoped to accomplish for a life of ease and laid-back existence? The island life?

I believe that while the book I am reading, Your Best Life Now, proclaims a life of extraordinary favor from God, it too says that in order to achieve God's supernatural favor, we have to do our part and work for it.

I believe that God has done, and is still blessing us with, His extraordinary favor with each beautiful day that we spend here on the island. I felt His immeasurable love and favor a few days ago when He granted me with the PEACE that I have been hoping and praying for. I have accomplished what I came here to do and I now spend each day keeping my heart and soul open for His next plan for me.

What does He want for me now? I am certain I live my life working to achieve amazing things, because that is how God intends my life to be - exceptional. He did not intend for me, or any of His children, to live a mediocre life. He is a giving God. Our Father only intends the best for His children.

The favor that He has granted me in this retreat is the release of all my past hurts and repressions. He has blessed me with the privilege to let go. He has released me from the crippling memories that have been pulling me down for years. The emotional baggage that I have been carrying around for years and years. I am now free. I am now at peace.

I await for His next plan for me. For now, I spend each day just soaking up the beauty that He has created.

We have 11 days left... and I can't wait to discover what He has in store for me with the days to come.

A reminder

It's been months since I last put my thoughts and feelings into writing. Most especially when I miss Marcus.  To be honest, I miss it. Nowadays, I've been quite preoccupied putting together a new business venture brought about Marcus' Love. Truthfully, I enjoy every minute of what I am doing right now, thanks to my baby boy. I can feel success just over the horizon. A project with a purpose and meaning.

As I go about my day, preparing for another work week, I find myself in a quiet room. I sit in front of the altar where we place Marcus' picture and Urn with his ashes. Beside me is our lovely little puppy Lola. She has kept me company all day, right on the couch as we wait for her mama to return home. I picked up on a favorite book we used to read while going through the process, "Born to Fly."

As I read on, my eyes felt cloudy, chest becomes tight, tears fall, feels like yesterday. The only difference I guess is that I am not sad, I just miss him.  I like feeling this way once in while because I feel like I reconnect with my Marcus. I often pray and ask that he would visit me in my dreams. Just cannot get enough of his handsome face that I want to see him even in my sleep.

Not a day goes by that I do not think about my son, I believe that every an hour or so Marcus enters my heart and mind at least once. Lately, many challenges and trials have been put upon us. Yet, I do not despair for this too will pass. Why? Because I have faith and hope that everything will turn out right. My son ever being so close to God, reminds me every step of the way to be patient and focus. Instantly, I feel better.

I feel so fortunate to have my son watching us everyday. Though there will be more challenges and trials, I'm not afraid because I am surrounded by love. I am forever grateful, you inspire me everyday my son. Papa is a better person because of you. Thank you for always reminding Papa. I love you dearly my boy!

The Beauty That Life Has To Offer

I was looking through cooking blogs today and stumbled upon this poem from the most unexpected place. I believe this perfectly conveys the mark of a strong woman - or person - who has experienced that "spice" of life has to offer.

I am STRONG because I am weak

I am BEAUTIFUL because I know my flaws

I am a LOVER because I am a fighter

I am FEARLESS because I have been afraid

I am WISE because I have been foolish

... and I can LAUGH because I've known sadness

*Thanks to Reeni of Cinnamon Spice & Everything Nice for sharing these beautiful words.

P.S.
Thank you my baby boy for giving Mama's life more meaning. I Love You.

February 14 - Valentine's Day

My Dear Baby Marcus,

Thank you for the flowers you and Talula gave for Valentine's Day, my love. Papa gave the beautiful red-tip carnations to me right after lunch. Your note was really touching, my baby. Thank you for remembering to give me something sweet on St. Valentine's Day.

I want to post the love note for posterity's sake:

To Our Dearest Mama, 

Happy Valentine's Day to the best Mama in the whole world! We are truly blessed that God gave you to us!

We love you very very much!

From Baby Marcus & Lola Talula 

I arranged the flowers in a vase and placed them right by your sanctuary, my love. The smell of the eucalyptus leaves are wonderful! The flowers are still alive and fresh till now and I like that. Thank you again, my baby boy!

Mama loves you very much, my little angel. You are in my thoughts each and everyday! God bless you, my love.

Words from my heart,
Mama

Happy Birthday Papa Jhon

Today is Papa Jhon's birthday... his first birthday without our baby Marcus. Exactly last year today, Jhon celebrated his birthday with a big smile on his face, because last year we were very much pregnant and counting the days to see our beautiful baby boy Marcus in person.

Today is a good day for Jhon, though the word bittersweet seem to be a staple vocabulary for us now, it is what today is for him.

Last night before the eve of his birthday he was in good spirits. It was obvious that he was looking forward for it to be his day. After we arrived from an evening out buying our Marcus' special storage boxes - where we will place all his baby things - Jhon smilingly said, "I will chill tonight and just lounge." So he settled himself comfortably on the sofa and played his favorite video game Plants vs. Zombies. When midnight came we cheered together with a resounding "Woohoo!" and while carrying Lola, I sang to him Happy Birthday three times. Happy birthday Papa, happy birthday Papa... After the singing and cheering, Jhon went to our baby's sanctuary and kissed Marcus' urn and said, "Thank you baby." Jhon was happy.

When this morning came I knew Jhon woke up in a good mood. As always, he got up ahead of me and went by his morning routine. I faintly heard him speak with Ate Sherry when she called to greet him. And when I got up, Jhon was smiling. He could not wait to start celebrating his day. He received text messages constantly and phone calls here and there. I was very happy to witness how many people remembered his special day.

While having our morning coffee I asked him again what he wanted to do for his birthday, as I have been bugging him for days. Did he want to see family and friends? Did he want to have drinks with them? What about dinner? He just plainly said "I want a quiet birthday." I knew I could not argue with that.

He decided to stay in tonight so I went on to fix our Marcus' baby things this afternoon. I have been wanting to do this project since November but never seemed to get the chance to do it. I wanted to fix and arrange our baby's things that we displayed in his sanctuary as well as his baby clothes that I kept in our closet. I did not want them to get old and weathered so we bought beautiful storage boxes for them. Marcus' storage trunks as we would call it.

Jhon was very much okay and offered his hand to help. Quite refreshing to see honestly, because he had been quite emotional lately. I feel for him so much. It seemed like I have been the strong one these past months and I do my best to see him through. It was good to see him "get back on his feet."

Going through our baby's things brought us back eleven months ago when it all happened, though we somehow feel and handle it better now. There were occasional tears though it felt more like a pivotal step in our recovery had transpired this afternoon. Why, of all days, and after numerous efforts to accomplish this project, today - on Jhon's birthday - we finally realized it.

I told Jhon that a miracle was being done on his birthday. And it had Marcus written all over it.

Tonight, we were supposed to have dinner at Seven Corners to satisfy Jhon's craving for good steak and seafood. Mama Myrna even asked if she could join us and Jhon was touched by the affection. Though for some reason, things were not going as planned so we opted to reschedule. We were meant to stay in today.

So what truly transpired this afternoon?

Our Marcus is with us today and he was talking to Jhon. It was clear that our baby, together with God, controlled the events on Jhon's birthday and they had something special for him. A gift.

We transferred our baby's personal belongings in storage boxes today. To put away for safe-keeping. It is a chapter in our lives, our recovery, that is being completed. We, most specially Jhon, is somehow being inspired to move on. It is a clear message from Marcus that he wants his Papa Jhon to know that it is okay to get better - to feel better.

There is a line that always gets me in the movie Disney's Up. We have been catching the movie at the Disney channel several times these past weeks. This movie is our movie for Marcus. It is really special to us. And this afternoon while speaking about this monumental step we went through this afternoon, I felt compelled to reiterate to Jhon this favorite movie line of mine. I felt that I had to share it to him, it felt like I was being told to relay it to him. This very simple line yet very meaningful to me and our story, our story with Marcus.

"Thank you for the adventure. Now go get a new one."

Our baby boy works in extraordinary ways to help us with every aspect of our lives, and this is one of them. He is our little guardian angel. And today, he is here for his Papa Jhon. Another miracle, really.

It is a bigger, better, brighter start and new beginning for Papa Jhon. And I can't wait to witness his greatness. Because Marcus will be there with him every step of the way.

I am overwhelmed by our Marcus' magic. Thank you my baby.


A Love Note to Papa Jhon from Baby Marcus:

Happy birthday Papa! You are the best Papa in the whole wide world!

I am always here watching over you. Whenever you feel down, just think of me and I will always make you feel better... because I always whisper to God to take care of you. 

I know you keep me forever in your heart Papa, because I feel your love everyday. And today, on your birthday, I am there with you Papa, celebrating with you.

Mama and Lola Talula are there to give you the tightest hug like Superman, and the sweetest kiss like cotton candy for me. 

I love you very much Papa! Happy birthday!

Your baby boy, Marcus